Moonlight Lily Garden

Eenie Meenie Miney Mo!

2011-07-26T21:47:00.005-04:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH
!!!

The Vision Center wants me for the full time Optician job.
9.8/hr speculation until Marla tells me I'm good enough for more
15 min. commute
some paid benefits?
work environment I know I'm going to like

The Cranberry Eagle receptionist/graphic artist position
10/hr
30 min. commute
full benefits
kinda in my field

Both
no room for advancement
probably be happy at either

The truth is the numbers are so damn close and the jobs are on such the same level for me that's it's really hard to pick one or the other. If I go to CE, I'll have to do a lot of menial stuff, but I'll be making ads as well. At VS, there won't be much menial stuff, but I won't be doing anything in my field. It will just be another skill.

Mom says not to worry about it yet because I don't know if they want me back for a second interview. Which is true. Maybe they won't want me and that will be that.

I don't know if I should wish for them to call me or not...

BLAH!!

Punch

2011-07-23T18:35:00.003-04:00

Alex is at the Blues Festival at Hartwood Acres right now. It really sucks that he came North for once and I don't even get to see him. I guess I could, but I don't want to pay $25 to get into a festival I'm not going to enjoy. Lame. I wish he would get his driver's license already. I swear he is horrible at making appointments. I should just do it for him and not tell him until we are there. Damn. Even if he can't get a car yet, at least a license would be progress. I hate knowing that he is so close. I can fucking feel the close proximity and it sucks! It would have been better if I thought he was at home. Grrrrrrrr...

It makes me want to hang out with Chelsea or Liv...or punch something. Or cry (same result). It's horrible that I only have two friends from high school left that I actually want to see. And I can't.

Liv will be back in August, but she's going to be sad every time I see her because Harold will still be in Japan. I mean, she was kinda sad last summer because Harold was in Kutztown, but that was different. She got to see him every month, and she wasn't reminded of him by her core passion. Now every time she thinks about Japan or anything Japanese, she's gonna think of him. Which means work for me. But whatever. It's better than nothing.

I kinda want someone to punch me in the face.

Someone should punch me in the face.

But not in the nose.

That would hurt.

Cautiously Optimistic

2011-07-22T22:14:00.004-04:00

Things are finally looking up in the job part of my life. Although now they are a little more complicated.

A while ago I changed my preferences on Walmart's WIRE to include positions in the Vision Center. I got a call from them earlier this week for the position of Optician which is full time and at least a 50 cent pay raise (we haven't talked about that yet). I went in for an interview, and before I went home, my interviewer told me she picked me out of the candidates. Awesome, right? At least it's a step in the right direction.

Today when I was driving home from work, I got a call from The Cranberry Eagle (newspaper) about the receptionist/graphic artist position I applied for. Pay is based on experience--I'm going to try to get 25,000--and has almost if not full benefits. And it's a newspaper, so the communication degree might help out a bit. I'd be doing secretary stuff and making ads. This is a much better position for me.

So I am to start at the Vision Center at the end of next week or the beginning of the week after that. They need to find a replacement for me in the meantime. I have an interview with CE on Tuesday. I would really feel bad if CE offered me the job after I've started training for the other job, but I'd really rather work for the newspaper. I know it's a small place, but they are owned by The Butler Eagle, which is bigger in comparison. It'd look much better for me on my resume to have both radio and newspaper positions as opposed to radio and optical. "Optical? Really? How did that one happen?"

So for now, I'm gonna keep quiet and try not to get my hopes up for the Eagle. Worse thing they can do is say they don't want me, and then I can continue working in optical. It's nice to have a fall back full time job.

Oh. The last thing about the job at CE? IT'S RIGHT NEXT TO THE WOODEN CASTLE IN CRANBERRY PARK. WIN.

Commuting

2010-09-07T19:34:00.002-04:00

So this year I am commuting to Pitt three days a week. I didn't think it would be that bad, and really it isn't, but it does cut down on your down time. That hour that you would normally allot yourself for relaxation is taken up by the time it takes you to walk back to your car and drive home. By the time you get home, you have to remove time for dinner, and when you've finally completed everything you need to for the night, you've either fallen asleep doing it, or it's well past midnight and you're exhausted for the next day. This makes me wish a bus came all of the way out here. It would cost about the same, and while I was riding, I could study. No such luck for me.

In other news, I go the WQED FM internship and start on the 20th. This means I'm either going to be working at Walmart 16 hours (read 18 hrs.) a weekend or I'm going to have to take an educational leave of absence. While I hate the thought of not pulling in more money, I kinda need those weekends for all of the work I'm getting piled on top of me from my classes. Truthfully, it's mostly just reading, but it's a lot and from every class.

Perhaps I am just complaining too much. Someone get me a straw.

The End is Nigh... of Summer, that is.

2010-08-26T22:48:00.005-04:00

I like playing my cello. I really do. But sometimes I just don't want to play it for a looong while. Like now.

I don't remember if I posted in here about the wedding I will be playing for Nathan's friend Holly, but it's in a week and the rehearsal is on Saturday. I was supposed to be playing with Nathan, but seeing as he hasn't practiced at all and the only time we got together was when I gave him the music, I'd say I'll be playing by myself. This won't be an entirely bad thing. It will be my first solo wedding and it will be acoustic, so few worries there. It's not even for a big crowd, just 100 or so. But I am sooo tired of practicing this music. I'm not perfect at any of it, but it is more than passable for the wedding. I just want to get this done and over with! I don't know how Alex can play for hours every day. I'm just so bored! I suppose since he doesn't read music, he just improvises everything which keeps it interesting, but still! I'm ready to throw this music in a drawer somewhere and forget about it for a season or two.

I'm not like this when it comes to piano... maybe because I'm so limited on the time I can play without getting yelled at or having to play over the tv. But when I learned Requiem for the Living, I just kept at it until I could play it through perfectly. Why can't I apply that to this wedding music? It really is frustrating.

I just need to last one more week.

In other news, I am finally going on a picnic with Alex tomorrow. Duquesne's classes have already started, so I kinda feel like we didn't get it in this summer, even though it is still technically summer. We haven't gone to Kennywood yet either, but I'm sure we'll get there.

I am more excited for Labor Day, though. The day I get to clean Alex's room. >:D He is dreading it, I'm sure, but hopefully the clean room with help prevent him getting sick all of the time. He burns incense, which isn't a bad thing, but all of that smoke and ash builds up, not to mention everywhere he hasn't vacuumed in years. I want to buy him some sheets that actually fit his bed, but I feel like that would be intruding upon his mother's territory and disrespectful (although he really needs sheets that fit...). I just have to look forward to the day when we live together and I can take care of all of that stuff without having to go through this though process. That will probably still be a while from now, though. *sigh* One day.

Pursuing what is expected

2010-08-01T21:11:00.003-04:00

My professors have started posting the books we will need for the new semester, and it just doesn't seem... correct, somehow. I have one more year of university life left for me, but I feel like I've already dropped into finding a real job and wanting to think about my first apartment even though I can't because of not having that real job yet. O_O Going back to Pitt for classes now just seems surreal.

Harold is in Japan now, and Liv will be there in less than two months. It feels like they are pursuing their dreams while I am pursuing what is expected of me. In these moments I really loathe the chance I was denied of going to Japan for a semester. One could argue that I still have that chance. I could go in the spring. But not only would that cause complications with my graduation, I would be getting out into the job market a semester later than the rest of my graduating class, which is quite the disadvantage it seems. One could also argue that it doesn't matter when precisely I enter the job market because jobs are opening and closing at their own leisure. While this is true, more jobs are made available in that spring/summer time frame because employers know there will be new graduates looking for a job. Besides, getting out there beyond on time just doesn't sit well with me.

All of this adds up to a rather annoying feeling which I cannot even begin to name. Like being smart enough and competent enough to move on to the next grade but being held back for a year. Like when you are trying to run in your dreams, but your legs will only move in slow motion.

It could be that thing feeling is spurring on by getting a job at Walmart. This is a menial job, but I get paid and I get taxed like a real job. Up until now, I've been working for private owners and getting paid under the table. The new arrangements conjure different thought processes and emotions.

At the same time I don't feel like I am doing this because it is what is expected, but because it is what needs to be done. To support my creative boyfriend I will need to provide extra income and save for hard times. Besides, what would I do with all of that free time? So there is a bit of plain desire to have a steady job. I just hope I can find one where I will actually be happy going to work.

Early Risin'

2010-07-24T02:23:00.003-04:00

It's 2:25 in the morning and I'm pretty much ready to go. The case is this: we are headed to the beach and I get to drive first, which means I get to start driving at 3am. I've only had less than four hours of sleep, but I feel pretty good. Everyone else is still asleep, although I suspect Mom will be getting up shortly. Because now is during that precarious time of night when the water softener is running, I can't do more than quickly wash my face for fear of staining the toilets just in time for us to leave. I'm sure this will happen anyway when everyone else wakes up.

I hope this trip will be a good one. It is Isaac and Nobu's first trip to Ocean Lakes with us and also the first time we've gotten our own place instead of sharing with Matthew and Stephanie. Hopefully this will minimize Dad's moodiness, or at least minimize our contact with it. Overall I am hopeful.

I will miss my Alex, as I always will, but I'll call him at least every day. I miss our long phone conversations, but I don't think we'll get to have any this week. But we'll see.

It is now time for me to get dressed and make some breakfast for the journey!

4th

2010-07-05T00:19:00.003-04:00

Today, well, technically yesterday now, is Independence day. I had a very American lunch with Mom and then went to work from 3-11:30. It isn't until you're kept from doing something you do every year but never really cared about that you realize how much you need that thing. Today, for example, we would usually have the American style lunch and dinner and set off a few small fireworks in the backyard. I was stuck in Walmart this year for all of that. We could hear the fireworks going off while we were working inside and it was depressing. It felt like the year Mike went to a friend's New Year's party instead of giving me my first New Year's kiss. I know that it is silly to be down about missing fireworks with my family one year, but I can't help the feeling. Hopefully next year I'll get to be here for that.

On the subject of work, damn was it slow today! So slow, in fact, that I spent almost the entire second half of my shift learning self check out and in soft lines fixing clothes. 11:30 could not come soon enough.

Twix

2010-06-27T00:55:00.003-04:00

It's an interesting feeling of loss, discovering that you truly desire something and then find out it will never happen for you. It's the feeling I have now about marriage and having children. None for me. I've decided to put it out of my mind as much as possible, considering hope is evil and I should never allow the feeling to occur. Alex will just have to put up with my crying spurts about it over the coming years.

In other news. Lies fall from your lips like sand through an hourglass. That doesn't pertain to anyone. I just thought of the line a little bit ago and wanted to write it down.

I feel like work has really restricted the activities. I'm sure it hasn't as much as it feels like it has, but there isn't much I can do about that feeling. I'll just have to deal with it.

I can't wait for the day Alex and I live together.

Battered

2010-06-19T19:20:00.004-04:00

I hate when simple things turn out to be difficult, time consuming, and very frustrating. You go in with an attitude of "Oh, this should only take 10min, max," and then nearly an hour later you're trying not to cry from frustration and texting your ex boyfriend because he is the only person you know who would know what the hell you're doing wrong. And then remembering how much you hate texting with him because he drags on forever. *sigh*

Work is going well. They've been giving me plenty of hours, so my paycheck should be nice when I get it on Thursday. I'm not really fond of standing for so long and my left elbow kinda hurts every now and then, but oh well. Money is money, and it's nice to see my account being replenished after draining what I did when I was at school.

Loathsome

2010-06-02T20:00:00.005-04:00

There are few things I hate with the fiery passion of a thousand burning suns. One of them is pretend ass cello music. This is music that is written or transcribed by violin players. You can tell because you never use the entire bottom half of the cello. 7/8 of the music is played on the A string in ridiculous positions while that 1/8 is just touching the D sting. What about the G and C strings? They apparently don't exist to many players, which is very unfortunate for me and the cello because those are my favorite stings and THE CELLO WAS MADE TO PLAY LOWER NOTES. It is there to add a rich bottom to music which is almost never utilized in solo cello music. Instead, people are determined to show off how close cellos are to their violin counterparts by playing the highest notes possible. When music is transcribed for cello, the transcribers seem to forget the cello has a range below the cello's middle D. ARGH! The bottom two strings are what sets the cello apart and they are so rarely used! They have the richest, most beautiful tone and yet they are ignored for pinched, violin-like wannabes.

Despicable. Detestable. Disgusting.

This rant occurs now because I have begun practicing for Holly's wedding, and picking out the music has been difficult because of my lower skill level and the atrocities of the solo music as written above. Hopefully I have found a sufficient amount of music that I will be able to play well enough for the wedding. *sigh* We'll see.

Jobtastic

2010-05-21T19:19:00.003-04:00

I suppose I am officially hired at Wal-Mart now. I went in for the interview on Wednesday, went back on Thursday to sign paperwork and do the drug screening, and I go in for orientation on Tuesday. They are gonna start me off at $8.90, which is pretty cool considering minimum wage is $7.25. They must have liked me. I wasn't expect three people to interview me at once on Wednesday, but oh well. I got the job, so what does it matter? Now Dad can stop bitching at me. Although, I just know he's gonna start it up again next summer to find a real job. I wish someone would come up to me at my graduation and hire me on the spot.

Brittany is off to Ireland next week, so we're gonna hang out on Sunday after church. Even though she's going there to take a class, I'm still kinda jealous. I've always been on the fence about wanting to travel, but I think if I had the chance and the resources, I'd do it. Maybe when Alex's books sell, we can visit some fun places.

It seems like I've been out of school for a while now, but I know it hasn't been that long. Next semester is still a long way off. I have to keep reminding myself that summer has only just begun.

Books and Jobs

2010-05-13T20:11:00.002-04:00

This will be a summer of reading and working. At least, that's what I hope. I already have lots of stuff to read: Alex's stories, Dresden Files, Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell, etc.

The job part is the problem, though. I have the babysitting gig again, at least, but that won't start until mid-June. I'd like to be making money now, please and thank you. Elissa got me to apply to Wal-Mart even though she hates her job and will probably quit soon. That one looks the most promising considering I got to talk to one of the managers and she seemed to like Elissa and Ray enough when I mentioned them. Because Elissa was talking about quiting the electronics department, that's what I said I was looking for, but I'm open to anything. They're apparently looking for cashiers, and I would much rather cashier than work in electronics. So there's that. I just hope they call me... I've applied to some other places too, the flower/produce place by Hammer's, Fashion Bug, Subway down my Mom, and the snack bar at Ice Connection. I really hope I have better luck this time around.

Alex told me about his friend Andrea and the job she has at a company that he does not remember the name of. She got it through an internship and it sounds like a completely awesome job. Once Alex finds out the name of it, I'm gonna look it up. They work with kids and Andrea works with commercials and advertising on a station that sounds similar to PBSkids. Doing what she is doing would be so cool and so perfect. And since it's in Robinson, it wouldn't be too horribly far away. Here's to hoping... ugh. There I go again.

Summer, Begin.

2010-05-03T11:52:00.002-04:00

My junior year of college is over already. It feels like that year flew by faster than the others, but maybe that's just because I had Alex this time around. He makes everything easier and happier.

I'm half looking forward to this summer and half not. This is my first summer with Alex, and we intend to make it a good one. While I'm excited for that, I really need to make money. I'm going to call Eric today about working at the horse barn this summer and Kim Anna already asked me about chauffeuring again this summer. I'd like to get a part-time job on top of that, but no one ever wants to hire me, so I don't have much hope for that. I'll still apply to some places anyway. What I'd really like is an internship, but I've already tried for those for this summer and I got nothing back. So I'm gonna look at BC3's list of summer classes to see if there are any good skill classes I can take.

In league with that, I'll be finished up with all of the requirements for my Comm major and Jap minor at the end of next semester, but not enough credit hours to graduate. So I'll be taking bunches of skill classes that last semester. Maybe then people will like me for jobs... Here's to hoping. Damn. There I go hoping again.

Matthew and Eve are coming up on Thursday for Mother's Day. I'm excited to see them again. Eve is gonna be such a little girl now. Alex and I are going to the Murder By Death concert on Friday, so I'm gonna bring him home to meet them before the concert.

The weather has already started being nice. I've been opening the windows in my room nearly every day since I returned home. This bodes well.

"She will not like it because they are not pants."

2010-03-01T17:13:00.003-05:00

Friday was Alex's birthday, so I decided to throw him a surprise party. Now, with his awesome perception, I didn't think it'd be much of a surprise, but he claims to have been very surprised when I ushered in a bunch of his friends. The party went well, overall. We sat around and talked; ate ice cream, Oreos, and pretzels; Deet and Alex tried to jam; and we watched Big Fish, which is a very appropriate movie for Alex's birthday. For presents, I gave him "Guess How Much I Love You," a book of Sherlock Holmes stories, a Tom Waits shirt, a Levenger fountain pen, and some ink to go with it. He liked all of the presents... especially the Catholic school girl outfit I wore that night after everyone left... *shifty eyes*

Saturday we traveled to Alex's home where we had Alex's birthday dinner party with his family. He got a 160G iPod, so now he can carry ALL of his music around with him. Sunday he had to work the afternoon shift, so his mom and I went to church and went out to eat. I got to do homework and play with the kitties when we got back. I really wanted to clean the pile next to his bed, but he said I'm not allowed because one of my birthday presents is somewhere in there. I made his bed instead. I had dinner with his parents before he got home from work and we watched Sin City before going to bed.

This morning was fun fun. Not. I got a ride with Mr. Moore and Zachary to CCAC, but we didn't get there in time for me to catch the 67A to Oakland. I wound up taking the 77B with Nik (we met at the bus stop and he got off the bus before me) to the top of Craig and walked as quickly as possible to my art class. I made it just in time with all of my stuff. We have a test in that class on Wednesday, so she let us out a bit early and I was able to get to Japanese in time for once. I actually think I did well in Japanese today. I got a B on my oral midterm, though. :(

This week is Alex's Spring Break, and mine is next week, which is pretty lame, but I'm sure I'll get to see Alex a few times this week at least. I need to get the recommendation letters back from Dr. Gareis and I need to finish my essay so I can turn in my Ritsumeikan application. At least I have everything else.

To explain the journal title: Alex said this to me when he was half asleep. He was talking about the present hidden in the pile. So cute. <3

Alias

2010-02-21T01:40:00.002-05:00

I have a new phone! Yay! It's certainly a good thing because my other one was starting to break... I now have the Alias 2 phone by Samsung and it's pretty snazzy. I've been making all sorts of ringtones and background pictures for it since I got it, and now I've lost track of time. This is the same phone that Liv got a few months ago, and she hasn't had any problems with it, so hopefully mine will be just as obedient. The only thing I'm kinda eh about is because it has a full keyboard, I don't have the automatic spell check anymore. I hate looking at words I've written and going "...Is that right?" I am not very good at spelling... :(

But Polar Bear still loves me! <3

がっかりした

2010-02-14T20:16:00.005-05:00

Last week was the Blizzard of 2010. I was supposed to go the Zachary's birthday dinner party on Sunday, see a free viewing of Wolfman on Tuesday, take Alex to Video Games Live at Heinz Hall on Thursday, see The Machine with Alex and friends on Friday, and go either to the Black & White Ball on campus or to a Japanese Rave on Saturday, but none of it happened. Everything was either canceled, rescheduled, or Alex couldn't do it. *sigh* Last week was supposed to be an exciting and fun week. It turned out to be very boring and very lonely. The buses weren't running or weren't running down by Alex's house, and none of his friends wanted to drive out on the horrible roads, so there was no way for us to see each other. Meanwhile, Liv and Harold saw each other every day. Eeennnvyyyy.

If Mr. Pekor decides he wants to, we'll be going to see Wolfman tonight, but it's getting late, so that probably won't happen. Also, Alex has asked me out on a fancy date for tomorrow night. This will be an excuse to finally wear my prom dress again.

To make up for the three days of canceled classes, Pitt is making us have classes on two Saturdays, one being my birthday. Really, it's up to the professors whether or not we actually have class on those Saturdays, so I think most will try to work around that.

Lent in coming up quickly. Ash Wednesday is this Wednesday, so I really need to remember to eat on Tuesday. I always tend to forget about that...

Oh! I got my hair cut on Monday, so now it's about as short as Liv's. I like it.

I spent Friday night at Alex's house. It's getting less awkward for me to just talk to his parents or his brother, which is a very good thing. Hopefully I won't feel awkward at all about staying at their house for 8 hours while Alex works. But then, I don't want to be that much of a bother, so I probably won't do that anyway.

The deadlines for Japan applications are coming up quickly. I must get moving.

Black Lotus

2010-01-21T20:33:00.005-05:00

It seems like time just isn't right recently. I've been with Alex for a little over two months now, but it feels like we've been together for so much longer than that. Almost four months ago, Alex and I went to Lu Lu's Noodles and walked to Schenley Park. That night Alex would almost die while fighting the troll (that damn troll). I feel like we've been through so much already that it couldn't have possibly been just two months, or four depending on which way you are counting.

Last night Alex and I retraced our footsteps that night in Schenley Park. I think we'll do it every season until we can do it only once a year, remembering the night that really set our relationship into motion.

Yesterday Alex brought me my first bouquet of flowers:

He said he got them for me simply because he loves me. Each of the eleven roses he picked out by hand and arranged around the lily that he had to send an employee to the back to retrieve. This, of course, makes me feel girly and swept off my feet. I don't particularly mind the feeling. ^_^

Cantabile

2010-01-19T23:52:00.004-05:00

I've been watching Nodame Cantabile recently and on some points I really feel like I identify with Nodame. She attends a music school for piano but she wants to be a kindergarten teacher. Everyone keeps telling her that she has so much talent and that she should strive to be a professional piano player, but if her dream is to be a teacher, why must she? The boy she likes, Chiaki, wants to be a conductor and is constantly berating her for wasting her talent. Every time Alex says I should do something and I tell him I'm not good enough his response is "because you don't practice." Every time he says that it kinda hurts. Like he is berating me for wasting my life. I know if I wanted to be a professional cello player, for example, I could become good enough to at least be part of a good orchestra, but I don't have any desire for that. I love music and art, but they are only hobbies to me. They are just things I enjoy doing in my spare time. I don't think I should be yelled at because it is not something I want to do with my life. But then I think about all of the people who wish they had my talent but don't, and I feel horrible. I feel that stab that makes me want to cry. And I just want to forget about it.

And, of course, that leads me to thinking about my future and lack of initiative. Do I even want to go to Japan? I've never been one who was really into traveling... Am I secretly hoping Mom tells me not to go even if I get in? If I didn't have Liv and her ambitions, would I have any of my own? I'm sure I would, but picturing life without her, I feel like I wouldn't have any at all. I suppose my ideal future has always been to just be happy. I never cared what it was I would be doing with my life or what hobbies I would have. The only picture I ever had of my future was of a small garden full of flowers surrounded by green grass. Nothing else. No thought of a job, no thought of a family or friends, nothing besides that garden. It isn't even a full image. I can't see beyond the tops of the flowers. Is the sky blue? Are there any clouds? I think so because of the vibrant colors of the petals that only appear in the sunlight.

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be here... like this isn't the right place or the right time. But I don't feel like I should be somewhere else either. There isn't a place for me. I'm not right. I wonder if some of the people who commit suicide have thoughts like these. Probably, right?

Fringe

2010-01-17T19:08:00.005-05:00

For all of my practice and desire to be good with words, I know that I am not. To be able to properly express myself... to finally be able to portray my emotions to others and have them understand... I know this will never happen. I wish I could just stamp my emotions on a page and give them to the people I try to communicate with. "This!" I would shove it in their faces in frustration. "This is what I am experiencing!" Oh how simple that would make everything. They would touch the paper and know, and everything could finally carry on.

My self esteem has been pretty low lately. Ever since Alex told me I have ADD. He was joking, but what I was describing described ADD perfectly. I don't know why this has resurfaced the low self esteem, but it has. It makes me want to forget that I have any talent in anything. I don't have talent in anything. I can't play the cello. I don't even know how to hold the bow. The piano? What are these black and white things? Singing? My voice isn't programmed for that. Don't be silly. There isn't a scrap of creativity in my head. Why would anyone want me for anything? I'm not a good friend, a good student, a good girlfriend, a good catholic, a good person, a good human. The only thing that I can do right is give hugs. And really, what kind of skill is that?

Tonight I went to International Guitar Night at Duquesne. This was the opening piece: Fringe Hinge by Brian Gore. There were three other guitar players. Itamar Erez's style combined Arabic sounds with Judaic. He even had to add extra frets to his guitar to get the right notes. Stephen Bennett played slide guitar and harp guitar, although he didn't utilize the harp as much as I thought he should have. The last, Lulo Reinhardt, who plays gypsy jazz and flamenco, added an interesting contrast to the other players. They all played individually at first and then played together in groups for the rest of the show, which lasted a little over 2 1/2 hours. I had hoped to bring Alex with me, but alas, he had to work and couldn't switch shifts. I posted a plea on facebook, but the only person who responded was Scott, but he obviously couldn't come, being in Georgia and all. So I wound up going by myself. I really enjoyed the show, but I really wish someone would have come with me. It was lonely.

Alex was supposed to come over tonight, even if he couldn't come to the show, but he wasn't able to get a ride. There are no classes tomorrow because of MLKJ Day, so he says he'll be able to come. I hope so.

Quick Update

2009-12-24T18:00:00.003-05:00

The semester is over! Huzzah! And I got my grades back... lame. B+ in Japanese?! So angry. It's only because I had a fever for almost a week and wasn't allowed to go to class. TT^TT But. Now that's over with.

Break has been pretty good so far. Stephanie, Matthew, and Eve came up for a few days and we had Christmas on Monday. Everyone seemed to like the gifts that I gave to them and I liked all of my gifts.

I went to Alex's house for the first time last night. I was ssoooooo nervous, but it went well. His parents and brother seem to like me. And the kitties certainly do, especially Eevee. Dinner was delicious and a fun time. Alex's scarf came in the mail just before I was going to leave, so I was able to give it to him. He was so happy. ^_^ Hopefully he will be able to come over here some time next week.

The stress of meeting his parents held a cold mostly at bay, and now that I'm not stressed anymore, it's hit me head on. It really is just a cold, though, so it's alright.

Maybe more details later.

体が悪いよ。

2009-12-05T14:40:00.006-05:00

Ha... well let's see. Aunt Chris broke her leg. Her and Uncle John were riding the motorcycle when a six-point buck jumped into the side of them. She broke a lot of her lower leg and there was a good bit of damage done to the bike, but at least the buck died. Somehow Uncle John was able to keep the bike upright. No one knows how. But. Our plan was to go bring them Thanksgiving dinner.

Everyone except for me left the Tuesday before break. I didn't know this, but it worked out well because I was having Alex sleep over. He's now a very happy Alex.

Thanksgiving was overall alright. It was just Uncle John, Aunt Chris, Uncle Eddy, Mom, and me, so it was pretty boring for me. I needed to write a few papers over break, one of which I spent Saturday in the dorm doing.

I went back home Sunday morning because UN Methodist on Airport Rd was holding a small concert and they wanted us to be a part of it. It was the Mos, Mrs. Roos, Josephine, Chelsea, and me. It was only two songs, but it was pretty fun. We were at the very end of the program, and, not to be egotistical, but we were probably the best there. Of course, we had Josephine, so that's not hard to do.

I've been sick all week. I had a nice fever from Monday night to Thursday, so with the exception of Monday, I didn't go to any classes this week. Japanese is going to suck when I get back to it on Monday... Alex kept me company a lot of the time this week. <3 He has started giving me my gifts for Christmas: "Urawaza," a fun book full of tips and tricks from Japan, a Sun Jar that catches the sun for me, a baby polar bear stuffed animal that he won at a carnival on Duquesne campus, and my new cello bow!! Everything is awesome. You know, besides still being sick.

I've also started giving Alex his gifts. The first one was the pair of gloves because we were talking about how he needs them. I hid them in his pocket when he was in the bathroom. When he found them, he was speechless and soooo red. <3 Next was his wallet because he yet again really needed them. He is so happy with it, and it's a good thing I gave it to him when I did because his old wallet fell into two pieces in his bag a day later. o_O The most recent one was the journal he was eyeing at the bookstore that he decided against buying. Apparently he had regretted not buying it a little bit, so now everything is good. I can't wait to give him his final gift!! I'm so excited for it!

So how about Mom and Dad are on a cruise right now. Yeah, they're off to the Bahamas for a day. They flew down on Wednesday to see Aunt Jan and they stayed the night there before the launch in Ft. Lauderdale. Luckies. I hope they're having a good time.

Hopeless

2009-11-17T16:47:00.001-05:00

Leah, what do you think you are doing? You know you can't allow yourself to look forward to anything. You know you shouldn't hope. You know what happens when you do. How many times do you have to cry because you let yourself hope before you realize just how hopeless everything really is?

Home

2009-11-07T23:15:00.003-05:00

I'm home for the weekend and it is sooooo nice. To have the comforting smells of home, the same creaky house noises, my own bed. The water is sweeter here. I can take a bath when I want to or hop into the hot tub (before it gets shut down for the winter). I have my Sadie to pick up and hug and kiss until she is annoyed with me. Or pet her on those rare occasions she decides to sit on my lap. My piano is here with all of my music. My mom is here.

I enjoy my life at college. I love learning so many new things and meeting new people. But there really isn't any place like home.

Breathless

2009-10-25T21:59:00.003-04:00

I... um... Oh...

Dammit, Julian! Stop looking at me like that! *cries*

I can't get that image out of my head, that conversation after Alex got on the bus. When I couldn't form words besides "I'm sorry," and when I finally could, they were jumbled and stuttered. That conversation that had us both in tears and me hyperventilating later that night, over and over again. It is against my nature to be this selfish. It is against who I am to hurt a friend like this.

I can't do anything that doesn't hurt others.

Disowned

2009-10-18T23:33:00.002-04:00

Genevra has officially disowned me. She no longer considers me a friend and has even un-friended me on facebook. I do not understand what I did that was so wrong that she has gone this far.

I will not hope for her to reply. I will not wait for her to reply. I will not expect her to reply. I won't... but I will.

Boyfriend

2009-10-12T22:17:00.001-04:00

*grin* I have a boyfriend. His name is Alex. I love him. <3

*flail*

What The Hell...?

2009-10-11T01:21:00.000-04:00

There must just be something about me. Maybe I really have used up all of my good karma. For this to happen twice?? Do my friends not want me at their weddings?

Becky is now Rebecca Weiskind-Dey. I don't know when she got married. Is this why none of them ever wrote back to me? Why Becky never thanked me for the birthday present? What does it mean that she didn't tell me about this? Did she get pregnant and decide to get married right away? Does she not consider me someone worth telling this to? Am I a half-forgotten remnant of her past: someone you forget to tell things to simply because you forget to?

?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Balance

2009-10-07T23:31:00.000-04:00

Has it really only been a little over a week? It feels like it's has been double that amount of time, at least. On the date of my last entry, Alex did battle with a troll under one of the bridges in Schenley Park and survived, thank God. Before he did that, though, he took me to dinner at Lulu's Noodles and put an enchantment on my ring. The enchantment protects my thoughts from those who would read them and, considering he cannot look in on me when I am wearing the ring, I can assume it protects me in general from that sort of thing. It will also turn the ring black if Alex dies. I will not remove the ring until the enchantment wears off at the end of three weeks or if he asks me to remove it. After dinner we strolled to the bridge and the pond where we had romantic and worrisome conversations. That was a night I will never forget. It is poem worthy and the next time my fingers decide poetry is the way to go, that will be the night it is based on. Until then, I will hold it close to me.

*grin* I went on a date Monday night. *broader grin* With Alex. Wah! it's so crazy! Have I finally gone insane and am just imagining him? But seriously, though, I must have cashed in an embarrassment of good karma for him to have appeared. It's just ridiculous how close to my ideal he is. Take a moment to compare him to Kael. Yeah. CRAZY. So about that date... :D That was my first date outside of a relationship, so it was quite the event for me. He said he likes long skirts, so I was going to wear my black pencil skirt, but I didn't have a date-worthy shirt here. I went to Rue 21 in between classes to find one, but they didn't have any that would work with the skirt, so I wound up buying a dress and stockings instead. He liked it. ^_^

First we went back to the bridge and the pond to see them in the daylight. No trains decided to attack us this time. XD He made me pick where we were going out to dinner, so I decided on Bangkok Balcony in Squirrel Hill (Sukuaru Hiru no Bankoku Barukoni ni simasita). When we left the park, we took a different route that led us up to a playground... which we proceeded to play on. Yay merry-go-rounds!! Aw, so much fun. Dinner was delicious and dessert at Coldstone was thanks to Alex's mom who found out he had a date from his brother. Hehe. It was still early after all of that, so we went to a movie, Zombieland, which turned out to be really funny. ...That's the first time I've ever kissed someone in a movie theater. :DDDDDDDD Afterward we decided to go back to Oakland and walk around for a while. We wound up back in Schenley Park, on Flagstaff Hill this time, and had more romantic conversation. He taught me how to waltz; He bestowed upon me seven of his thirty kisses; He gave me warm hugs; He touched me with magic. Is there anything missing here?

Oh but there is. The amount of good karma I have used in gaining Alex has left me without enough to keep Genevra or Mike, or so it seems as of now. Genevra is pissed that I "blew her off" and didn't mention that the friend I was going to dinner with was Alex. Mike sat next to me yesterday when I was waiting for a hug from Alex. He told me he wants me back and says if I start dating Alex, he will lose all respect for me. Without respect there can't be friendship. He sent me a text later that said "It might end up being a bye." This last part didn't hit me until this morning. I wasn't able to go to Japanese because I couldn't stop crying. The highlight of my day was a fortune cookie that said "A friend is a present you give yourself" and a picture of Alex with a kitty that he sent me soon after I got the fortune.

Throw me into the ocean
where I will float as I drown.

2009-09-29T22:10:00.002-04:00

I'm too worried and nervous right now to write the poem I wanted to create. If all goes well, I will still be able to write the poem without a trace of true sadness.

Good Karma

2009-09-24T10:36:00.000-04:00

Last night I confessed to Alex that I may have a bit of a crush on him. His response was "I had a hunch. And I think I'm developing a crush too."

You know how in the movies when girls are really happy/excited, they bounce around and squeal? I always thought that moment was exaggerated. Now I know it is completely true. Completely and utterly true. I had never felt elation before last night--never had someone I like return the feeling. And until last night, I hadn't known what it was to be so happy that you cried. I was bawling as soon as I was able to sit myself down. It's not entirely based on the fact that I like Alex and Alex likes me (of course I'm saying this with limitations), but on the fact that this is something I've wanted my whole life: to have someone return my feelings. It doesn't matter that absolutely nothing could happen. Our feelings for each other are only in the developing stage, so this could turn into nothing. That doesn't bother me; I've had my moment. And as I always think to myself, things will work out for the best. That's just how it's done.

I told Alex through text, so I didn't get to witness his expression, but he told me about it during our phone conversation that lasted until 5am. He had gone to a metal show with friends and was eating out with them at Denny's. He had been mid-sentence about how fucking hardcore that metal show was when he glanced at his phone, went silent, and turned red. Apparently I made him blush a couple of times last night. God I wish I had been able to see... But apparently his friends kinda prodded him for answers. I wonder if that was the first time they had seen him blush.

There was so much that was said last night that I can't even find what to type here. That boy is so good at flattery, even when he's just telling the facts. He described what my aura looks like to him: light reflecting off of a shallow pool of water. And I told him that his wit, persistence, and intellect were what attracted me to him. Apparently that made him blush as well.

So much, so much! I'm glad I have Alex.

Come find me!

2009-09-20T14:29:00.000-04:00

I feel like I've become really close with Alex. We finally got to hang out on the 11th. Julian, Alex, and I went to Squirrel Hill to see District 9. The movie was... interesting. I'm glad I didn't pay full price for it (we saw a matinee), but it doesn't matter because I finally got to hang out with Alex. Since then we have met randomly a few times when he was in Oakland with Julian. It's so interesting that his view of me is a half evil black man with an afro. XD Of course, he pretends to be a hoodlum brother from the ghetto. It's really funny. He is extremely witty and persistent.

We've gotten to talking a lot on AIM and facebook. The other night we had a question/answer session that lasted for a few hours--he now knows more about me than most of my friends do. And yes, I mean that specifically. Perhaps I wouldn't have told him if he hadn't told me his horrible childhood. We have established a relationship where honesty is a given and we will tell each other anything; at least, that's how it feels on my end. He is very sweet for all his evilness.

And he keeps pestering me to join his band in the spring. It wouldn't be hard to say no if he didn't keep reminding me that he has all of the equipment needed to make my cello electric. *drool* And he uses imaging to make me want to do it, too. How does he know my weak spots?! Damn magicians. I finally got to hear him play his guitar last night because he sent me a few clips of him playing from a month ago. I like his style very much. What he sent me was very calming: just what I like.

We must make plans to eat cake and ice cream together!

In other news, I'm being dragged into kendo. Two weeks ago, sensei's wife broke her arm, so he was at home being a good husband, and Genevra was running practice. She had already brought a shinai up for me... so I practiced with them. This week I sat out, but I'm not being given a choice anymore. Also, Jacobson-san and I are now participating in kajukenbo. I brought her to watch on Thursday and we participated this morning. It's a good time. If she continues going, I will as well.

I've been losing weight recently and I don't know why. I suspect it is because I've been eating a lot of rice, but still! I'm below 100lb. in the morning and I only get up to 104lb! This has had an interesting effect on my abs. They are back to where they were when I was working at the horse barn: when I laugh, the outer sides of the top ones fold in a little and they wind up looking bigger and pointier than they are. So weird.

Last Saturday Isaac, Nobu, Paige, Matthew (who was home for the weekend), and I went kayaking and walked around the North Side a bit. It was a really fun time. Matthew will be up again this weekend with Stephanie and Eve, so I'll be going home.

Liv and Harold have become intimate. I have become... a make-out monster with self control. Which of course means I really want to make out with someone but don't have anyone to do it with. Perhaps I just need cuddling.

Anyway, I still need a shower because kaju is quite the workout. Damn iron crosses.

Aye and Huzzah!

2009-08-31T00:01:00.002-04:00

I’m all moved into my suite at Pitt! I was a little worried about Deanna and Melanie, but it seems like everything is going to work out great! Melanie is really opening up to us, so I’m hopeful that we will become good friends. So much has happened in the past few days and classes haven’t even started yet.

Friday night Taesoo got really drunk and had a psychotic episode at Genevra’s house, so Saturday morning was spent making sure he was alive and could hold a conversation. He was and he could, so my job was done. I ran into Jacobson-san at the Hillman Library that day, also. It was nice to see her again. If I recall correctly, we are in the same class, so I will be seeing her again on Tuesday! :D

Harold came back to Pittsburgh and we went out to ½ price dinner with him and his brother at Joe Mamma’s. I’m glad he’s finally back. I wanted to give him a much longer hug than he allowed me to. :/ Maybe I’ll be able to get him back soon. I’d really like to spend some time with Harold without Liv. I mean, I like having her around, but Harold was my friend before he was her boyfriend and I miss having that time with him. I’ll probably wind up telling this to her at some point.

Today I went to church with Deanna, who is also Roman Catholic! Huzzah! I have someone to go to church with! Awesome. Soon after church, I was off to the Renaissance Festival with Matt Harrington and we had a marvelous time! I really missed the good-natured atmosphere of Ren Fest. It reminds me entirely too much of Robert. I miss you, Robert!

Lately I’ve been in a very huggy mood. I think it’s partially because I wasn’t able to visit Becky and I had mentally prepared myself for five minute long Lily/Kael hugs. Being deprived of those and late night cuddling (which I probably wouldn’t have gotten anyway) I’ve wanted to be much more affectionate with the people around me. *sigh*

Damn you hope and expectation.

2009-08-26T00:21:00.003-04:00

All summer I had wanted to make a trip down to Maryland to visit Becky, Tia, and Rob. I wanted it to be a surprise visit, so I was collaborating with Rob. I guess in the beginning it was kind of a "I have plenty of time" thing, but then I started babysitting and by the time we hit August, it was almost time to go back to Pitt. And my car wasn't passing inspection. I was down to two optional weekends; I was shooting for the first, but just in case, I had the following as backup. The first was a no-go. The car still hadn't passed inspection. The second weekend, the car passed, but Mom decided if I was dead set on going, which I was, I could take her car. This was finalized Friday night, so I would leave in the morning. I sent a text to Rob saying I'd probably be there around 2:30, but half an hour later, I got a call from Tia. Rob had just told her I was coming. They had just picked up Colin (Daiichi) for the weekend.

Plans terminated.

Why do I even try if it concerns Becky? It never works.

This is getting out of hand.

2009-08-23T23:15:00.001-04:00

Baffled

2009-08-21T00:45:00.000-04:00

Okay this is really odd. And a bit unsettling. So I have this strong interest in Alex... I've mentioned it before, right? But I swear it isn't anything emotional or physical. I just think he's a really interesting person (Genevra claims he has some weird kind of charm). But now all of a sudden, my daydreams are involving him and are platonically romantic, if that makes sense. It's that kiss the back of the hand, stolen kiss kinda thing. But where did this come from?! I mean, I've only met the guy once! Sure I've read his livejournal, but come on! How much stuff doesn't get put in there? Like 95% of it! And these aren't the deliberate, "I wonder what would happen if..." or "What would I do if..." daydreams. These are the unintentional daydream daydreams. These are ones that I snap out of when things get platonically romantic and I beat them back with a stick going WTH? *sigh* What am I to do... And I'm going to meet up with him on August 4th. Somehow I think these daydreams will only get worse. *headdesk*

In other news, Taesoo dumped Genevra on Saturday night. Jerk. But, he said he didn't think she was the one, so I have to identify with him. I only think he is the jerk because he broke up with her through instant messenger and not face-to-face. I visited her yesterday and slept over. It's rather tiring trying to cheer someone up without being overbearing. I think I just wound up being another body in the house. -_-

Nrrr... so tired...

Odd Feelings

2009-07-20T23:45:00.000-04:00

They're really odd feelings: knowing a murderer and someone who would not think twice about killing someone who he thought deserved it. I'm talking about Alex and Taesoo. It's even stranger to think that I am trying to get closer to these people. I want to be their friend. In a way it kinda reminds me of Lily's actions toward Kael. She spent all of that time trying to get him to trust her, to accept her as a friend and then something more. And she did all of this knowing that he had killed hundreds of people with his own hands and weapons. I never thought I would be in such a position... it's so very strange. I'm scared of what they are able to do, but I want them to like me, take notice of me. Shouldn't I be doing everything to stay out of their notice? I feel like it'd be playing my own horn, or something of the like, to say that it feels like I'm following Jesus' example. I know that's what I should be doing anyway, so why does it feel weird to say that I'm doing it and proving it with my actions? Weird. This whole thing is just weird.

Lots and Lots

2009-06-29T23:33:00.002-04:00

Let's see if I can recall all of the main happenings.

My last post neglected the mention anything about Tekkoshocon this year. Basically what happened was I avoided Min until the very last day, Mike and I fought, and to top it off, Robert wasn't there. For the Min portion, just before I left on the last day, I decided that I was being completely pathetic. I walked up to him and said hello. Seeing him and talking to him was such a relief. It made me wish I had done it earlier, but it was probably for the best that I didn't--the whole Mike thing and all. I think for the most part, our fight was about trust. I don't remember what was said, but I know it started on Friday before I even went to Tekko. Maybe it was because he didn't have a place to stay, so he wanted to sleep in his car. In Pittsburgh. I wouldn't have it. We both wound up sleeping at Genevra's on Friday night and he went home Saturday night while I stayed in a hotel room with some of the other girls. I guess he didn't realize that Sunday didn't last for very long, and by the time he said he was ready to come, we were ready to leave. So he didn't come, and that's probably why I was able to talk to Min. Genevra's kendo team had a demonstration on Saturday and it was fantastic. ^_^ Robert not being there was a huge let down. I think it is his presence that gives me half of my Tekko energy. I missed him so.

The next big event was Ormond Beach, FL. I went down there with Mike and his mom and on the way back, Mike and I stopped at Matthew's house for a the night. At this point I was seriously considering breaking up with him, so I told him that I wanted that week to be an observation on my part. I wanted to objectively consider whether or not I wanted to be with him anymore. I wanted to have fun with him. The only thing he wanted to talk about was our relationship. And because I didn't want to talk about it at all, every time he brought it up, I get really angry. Finally in the last hour or so our our car ride home (his mom was staying with a friend in FL for the next week), he decided to give it one last go. And that was what it was. I decided to break up with him after he admitted that he had been destroying the relationship. Of course, that wording makes it sound like he was doing it on purpose. He wasn't, but he had just realized that that is what he had been doing. All of his doubting was him distancing himself from me and poisoning the relationship. On May 20, I told him I was done. And so now I am single. Oh, and no longer a virgin. I've been popped, interestingly enough.

Here's a good one. On Father's Day, Dad walked out of the house to get dinner by himself as we were making dinner for him. His excuse later that night was that he was trying to nap because he hadn't slept the night before (complete lie--we were staying in a hotel room for Amanda's wedding and I clearly heard him snoring) and that he heard "banging"--all noise must be "banging" to him--which was us making dinner. I told him that his behavior was unacceptable and please don't do it again. He said if he had said that to his father, he would be picking himself up off the floor. "I noticed," was my response. After him trying to choke me when I had defended Mom, I really wouldn't be surprised if he had gotten beaten around as a kid. So. After he left I shook and cried with rage and hatred. I wanted to scream so badly, but I could only make tea kettle noises if I didn't want him to come back. That was a horrible night.

I have a job now. I'm watching Kim Anna's son David and her friend's son Matt. Really I'm just chauffeuring them around. Mostly to Hartwood Acres to run and to the Hampton pool. I am so tan right now. And the money is really decent too. For three days, one of which I'm watching Matt, I receive around $175. She compensates me for gas (woot!).

So Mom and I have sanded, stained, and refinished the hardwood floors in the living and dining rooms. And we've painted the living room. The past few days were spent cutting and placing the new base boards while Dad was away at Eric's (Greenwood) graduation. All that's left is for them to be tacked in. Oh and on Saturday we power washed the living room carpet. Not as much fun as it sounds, but certainly fun to say.

I've been sick for almost a week now. It started on Wednesday with a high fever and when that went away, it turned into sinus and chest congestion. I've been living with that for most of the time, but this morning I woke up with pinkeye. I've been taking the leftover drops from the last time we thought I had pinkeye (it turned out my eyes just loathe Opti-Free contact lens solution). It's gotten much better since then. I'll be going to the doctor's in the morning to get checked out, regardless.

Yesterday I picked up Taesoo from the bus station. (Genevra was in NYC for a kendo tournament.) Taesoo is Genevra's maybe new boyfriend. I'll wait until she changes her facebook status or until she tells me to be certain about that. He's a 5th degree black belt in Taekwondo from Korea who has spent the past few years of his life being a chef in Boston. They met on OkCupid and have been talking for at least a month now, and he's been out here once before. For the week before I was to retrieve him, he was completely out of contact with Genevra. When he finally sent her an email, it was only five lines long. Three of which were apologies. Apparently he had gotten into a fight and, here is a speculation on our parts, was put in jail for a few days. I'm sure Genevra knows the truth of what happened by now--she's been home since early this morning. Anyway, just to be safe, I brought Alice Lai and Rachel Giovenco with me since they were in Pittsburgh for the Japanese Intensive summer program (and Harold is in Kutztown with Liv). We got something to eat and brought Taesoo to Genevra's because he hadn't slept the night before. We left him to sleep (after I delivered the promise slap for Genevra) and did some shopping at the Lotus Korean food store and and Tokyo Japanese Food Store. After that we went back to their dorm rooms and watched some DBSK. I went to church because I couldn't stop coughing that morning, and I headed home.

I think that's pretty much all I have to say besides complaining about being sick.

Lies. I do have more.

I've figured out what a girlfriend is supposed to feel when her boyfriend doesn't call for a few days. It's twitchy. Partly worried, partly defensive, partly angry, wholly wondering. But of course I only figure this out now. Tch. It's only been a day, but Genevra hasn't spoken to me since they started their trip home from the NYC kendo tournament. I know she got back alright even though she didn't text me when she got home. I stayed up until about 3:30am waiting for her to sign on to AIM, but she never did. She posted a facebook status this morning, though, saying that she will now sleep for a week. But still, I want to hear from her. I left Chocolate Clouds on her kitchen table and two skirts and new flip flops in her room. Not to mention the boy I left sleeping in her bed. You'd think she'd send a quick "thank you," at least. But I must be patient. There is no reason for me to feel this way.

Mysterious

2009-04-28T15:56:00.000-04:00

STUPID MYSTERY!! STUPID POWER OF MYSTERY!! -_-

What I'm going on about it how interesting Alex is to me. And possibly attractive. Not in the physical sense, obviously. I've only seen him in person once. o_O I know of the danger that would come with being around him and the possibilities of what could happen. I know he's killed someone. I know he is "damaged." I know of what he is involved with that his lips become burned every Halloween. Truthfully it scares me a bit. Probably more than a bit. But it's so interesting! Maybe I like being scared. Maybe I like my heart racing and feeling like horrible things could happen at any moment--that it is more likely to happen because we are talking about it. And maybe I like that he's taken enough interest in me that he has promised my safety if ever I pass through his home. And I feel like that protection extends to if ever I am in his presence. It makes me think of Genevra's dream and the power he held there. It also makes me think of my feelings for Josh... although Alex is much more intense than Josh was.

But this is just me thinking too much. I know it is. But that doesn't mean I can stop at will.

Okay. Very attractive.

Every Single Step of the Way

2009-03-31T19:23:00.003-04:00

Lots of posts! ^_^ Ano... So I got to hang out with Genevra today after Brain and Behavior. It was a gorgeous day, so we lied down in Schenley Plaza and she tanned while I read for Special Topics in Mass Communication. But we also got to talk a bit. I told her about Harold petting my hair last night (but not about him trying to figure out my scent) and she told me that Harold had been interested in a threesome with her and me. *shock* (What's with people wanting me to be in threesomes???) She said she didn't know if he wanted me in there because it was me or because it'd be his chance with two girls at once. I'd say it's because of the two girl thing, but then why would he have been petting my hair? SO CONFUSING!! Maybe I shouldn't have told him I might have a crush on him. It's probably affecting his actions. Hmmm....

So, I might wind up going to Genevra's tonight too. I have to write 1/2 - 1 paper for Mass Comm tomorrow morning, but I need the other half (hopefully) from my ばか partner. And I need to take a shower. If I finish everything by 9 or 10 I'll probably head over there. And I'm sure we'll talk about this whole Harold thing more. And probably about me and Mike. Maybe I'll tell her about Harold trying to figure out my scent...(so awkward to think about =_=)

Short Bits

2009-03-31T08:12:00.002-04:00

So, last night my dreams were all in short bits. I remember a couple of them, but the one I remember the most was like an alternate universe of what happened with Harold last night. I was in his bed and I woke up to him petting my hair. Instead of him backing off, though, he leaned in and kissed me. His kiss was very soft, but very sure. Even in the dream I was flustered. But I definitely enjoyed it.

Why do I always wonder what it would be like to kiss the people around me? That's what leads to dreams like these.

Harorudo

2009-03-31T01:18:00.001-04:00

So... I was over at Harold's helping him with the picture of him and Liv for Liv's (belated) birthday. He tried to fix it up himself, but I'd already cleaned up the picture so I could print it and have a copy for myself. In the end he wound up using my version and cropping it a little differently. We printed it out at Kinko's and went back to his apartment so he could write a message on the back and give it to Liv tonight. He was going to write it in English, but since he decided on Japanese, it took him quite a while. I wound up falling asleep in his bed.

I woke up to someone petting my hair. For a moment I was confused and didn't remember where I was. Then I did remember and realized the only other person there was Harold. I should have opened my eyes immediately... but I pretended to remain asleep for just a moment more. It was one of those moments where if you didn't open your eyes, you didn't have to question it. Then I opened my eyes and acted confused and kinda awkward. He denied petting my hair. He said he had just put his hand on my head to wake me up. Liar. So... why did he do that...? Why did I pretend to still be asleep? I probably have a bit of a crush on him: not anything to act on, but still. But what about him? How long was he there, watching me sleep? Petting my hair? Does it mean anything? No... it mustn't. I'm looking too far into it. Yes. Anyway, he crawled in with me because his apartment is so cold (so cold!) and tried to figure out what my scent is. Awkward! Now I smell like Harold.

We were probably starting to fall asleep when Liv called. We left and Harold gave the framed photo to Liv. ^_^ lol She was so curious about what the gift was because she knew Harold and I were plotting. Rather, that's what she thought. I was just keeping him on track. XD Liv is so easily deceived by me. ... That makes me feel horrible...

End

2009-03-24T20:44:00.002-04:00

Mom picked me up Thursday night and we drove to Massena Friday for the viewing at 7. We stayed at Aunt Karen and Uncle Glen's house for the night. The funeral was Saturday. Grandma was buried in a lovely purple flower-print dress that made her look beautiful.

RIP, Grandma

2009-03-19T13:14:00.000-04:00

Grandma passed away this morning. The stroke she had was a bad one and she had a living will, so they didn't put her on life support. She died peacefully in her sleep.

Drained. Sad.

2009-03-14T14:07:00.005-04:00

Drained. Sad. Harold didn't make it into Pitt Med, so he'll be moving in a few months. I'll miss the light. Gave him and Liv a day together yesterday, tried to give them as much alone time as possible. Brought him to Liv's house, hung out, went to see Watchmen with them, Mike, Beth, and Kayla then out to Kings for dinner. Took him home, Liv and Harold made out in the back seat then gave them half an hour alone at his place. Harold kissed me on the cheek in thanks. I was flustered and almost forgot to respond. Liv is falling in love with him but doesn't want to because he has to leave and we don't know what his feelings for her are. Mike complains that I spend too much time with Liv. He doesn't understand. I thought he did. Genevra told me I appeared in her war dream, but didn't tell me my part in it. Also, I wasn't included in it when she wrote it down and posted it in her livejournal. And Grandma had a stoke this morning. Grandpa has been having problems with his memory, and must have been out of it, because he didn't report anything all day. Aunt Debbie went to join them for dinner and found Grandma on the floor. They think she had the stroke somewhere around 2am. That's all we know so far. I am sad.

Beauty

2009-03-10T02:50:00.000-04:00

I've been wanting to paint something beautiful lately. I wish I knew what.

A few nights ago, it was gorgeous outside and I couldn't help but enjoy it. I climbed my tree barefoot and sat there for a while, doing nothing but enjoying the peace and the beauty.

さあああああ。。。

2009-02-22T19:17:00.000-05:00

Genevra has amazing dreams; I've been reading them as she posts them. She told me the other night that I appear in them. That simple sentence brought my need back to the surface. Or rather, it brought it to my attention again. I forget if I've written about it in here before or not... I'm so concerned, or rather, I constantly wonder how people see me. In this case, how does Genevra see me? It feels like with one glance she can see everything about me, except maybe for that one thing... So how will I be in her dream? Will I be on the side of good or the side of bad? Maybe a spy? Hopefully a spy for the good... Or a healer...? But she already pointed out Mallory who is a healer in the dream, so probably not. Genevra went back to her camp where all of the people she loved where and I was not there. Yeah...

I have way too much homework to be typing this now...

Stress to Stressless

2009-02-12T20:03:00.001-05:00

So these last few days have been absolutely horrible. There are the problems with Liv and Harold, I told Liv, I had a big test last night in Marketing Fundamentals, and Mike and I had a fight on Tuesday.

I kept on getting interrupted while trying to study for the test, so I wound up staying up until 6am the night before just trying to get it done.

The fight with Mike was, of course, about him telling Adam. Mike called himself "terrible" and I playfully agreed. Apparently it didn't sound playful because Mike thought I was serious and asked me why I thought he was terrible. Obviously, I only have the one reason, so that's what I told him. I got upset because I brought it up again, but what am I gonna do? I'm not gonna lie to him, and if I don't say anything, he's just gonna drag it out of me anyway because that's what he does. He doesn't understand that some things are just better left unsaid.

After the test yesterday, things got better. The test was over, so I didn't have to stress about that. I had planned on going to the buy part of Liv's b-day present right after the test because the store stays open until 8 on Wednesdays, and I decided to call Harold to see if he wanted to come. He wasn't up to anything, so I met him at his アパート and we went to get the present. We started talking about relationships and all of my random thought processes. He was very surprised that I'm not physically attracted to anyone and that I've never had a legitimate crush. I thought maybe Min, but I'm not physically attracted to him. I think I think about him so much because he was the friendship that got away. I dont' think I've ever had a situation where I wanted a friendship and the other person didn't. Anyway, we wound up going back to his place and watched a bunch of random YouTube videos and gave each other massages while folding his laundry and putting it away. XD We talked about the problems and the stress I've been having and I feel a lot better now. He's super curious about my secret, though. He can't figure out what would be so bad that Liv's reaction was what it was. I want to tell him, but he hasn't earned his place and I don't think he knows me well enough to understand the impact that it's had on everyone else. But I feel like I can tell him. I want to tell him, but I won't.

On a happier note, today is Mike's birthday and I'm going home tomorrow! Mike got an HD TV from his parents for his birthday and I'm giving him a nice fountain pen and, if I can find one tomorrow, a new watch. I ordered a magnetic pendullum thingy for him because I wasn't sure if I'd be able to find a watch. Having his birthday and Valentine's Day right by each other is really annoying. I have to come up with more presents than normal. ><

I kinda want to start back up with martial arts again. Thanks Harold. ^_^; He was doing a couple of moves and it got me wanting to do it again. Maybe I'll ask him if he'll be my sensei for a while. XD

Finished

2009-02-09T20:11:00.000-05:00

I told Liv. She knows. I should have waited. She has too much on her mind right now as it is. Maybe I should have waited it see if she and Harold worked out. If it didn't, I could have used this to distract her... but what emotion is she feeling right now? I didn't want to make her sad. I think I did. She only looked me in the eye twice after I told her. But that was twice more than I expected. She hugged me and told me it shouldn't have happened to me. Not me. I love you, Liv, but I am strong. I've been handling this my entire life. It is no longer a burden to me. I don't want it to be a burden for you. It's not something you should have to carry.

I'm sorry. Forgive me.

faints in happiness

2009-02-09T01:28:00.006-05:00

OMG OMG OMG!!!! It's been so long since I've been this happy! Liv and Harold made out!! For two hours!!!!!! With breaks, of course, BUT STILL!! XDDDDDDDD At one point he had his hand on the clasp of her bra and he asked "Ii desu ka?" She wound up saying "Dame," but OMG WOW! And she danced for him! And with him! And they grinded! My heart is beating so fast! And she told me more than an hour ago! Just the thought of it...! I want to break Harold's hand. Liv has finally had a good experience with a guy. And he's ASIAN, which doesn't really matter, but it's still a plus! AOIUHWENVOWEHGSKJ023RHASDVLP0W34'SALGJ0Q4HKJSANDV8Q39GNS!!!11!!!!1!!! I don't know what else to say... I'm speachless! It's all just happy feelings!

My heart is overflowing. ^_^ <3

More On That

2009-01-06T00:21:00.003-05:00

-_- But more on that later.

I'm back at Pitt. With Liv! This semester is already much better than the previous ones, and I've only gone through the first day. I still need to drop Magic, Medicine, and Science so I can add Special Topics in Mass Comm. So far things are going pretty well. We'll see if that lasts.

Back to -_- though. I was talking with Liv about Min again. It's definitely a problem that I think about him so much. I wish I could figure out what these feelings were. *sigh* But I'm sure I've talked about that enough on here. Bleh. We were talking about what could have happened if I didn't have Mike when we met. There were a bunch of possibilities... I don't know what would have happened. What was Min looking for when he asked me to hang out after the rave that night? Saa... wakarimasen!!

I miss Robert. *pout* _{_{And Min...}}

Again with the "I don't know"s

2008-12-01T21:48:00.001-05:00

I know I should be working on my essay for Rhetoric right now, but I can't help it. I'm weird.

Why is it I'm attracted to strange when all I want is normal? It's really frustrating. All of the guys I've liked since Jared have been on the weird side. Josh, Keer, hell even Min. He painted his nails, who knows what else he did. Is it because I've had an abundance of really weird that I only want normal? Grant, Josh, Albert, David. I don't know. It's like I'm a nutzo magnet. Not all the time, but it still feels like that. Sadistic, suicidal, drug addicts. Mike is the only normal one of the bunch. But I'm not satisfied. And I don't even know how I feel about him. -_- Ugh. This again.

I went to dinner on Tuesday with Becky, Rob (yay!), Alina, and Emily. Alina has a new crush and she was saying how she didn't like to be apart from him. It hurt her emotionally. She didn't want to be away from him. ... I don't feel that for Mike. Should I? Is that something I should be feeling for my boyfriend? Because I don't, does that mean he isn't right for me? AGH. I just don't know! I want to talk to someone about it, but I don't know who. Liv is probably already convinced that I shouldn't be with Mike because of that talk I had with her before. I don't know if I can trust Chelsea with it because Mike and Chels have gotten REALLY close. And I feel like there isn't anyone else who knows the situation well enough to help me. Alina would just tell me to break up with him... so would Becky. Who else is there? Mom? No. Brittany, Kayla, Misha... Maybe Brittany. She'd probably be best. Or Kayla maybe... Misha and Mike are too close at the moment. God, I don't know!

*fail*

Cool People = Fun Weekend

2008-11-01T23:48:00.000-04:00

This weekend was probably the best I've had at college so far. Halloween night, Genevra's birthday, I went to a small party in the WPU with Genevra. I got to re-meet Juilian, and I got to meet Harold, Genevra's prospective boyfriend. Oh course there were other people there and they were all fun. I won a frozen apple pie for gathering the most lollipops out of balloons, but because I don't have a freezer or an oven, I gave it to the runnerup, Alexa. She is a very fun and sweet person. Later in the party, Malory showed up with Jonathan and his girlfriend Kelly. I was friendly, of course, but it caused internal drama-llama for Genevra. Afterwards, my crew + Malory and Julian were supposed to go get something to eat, but they others wound up walking Jonathan and whoever else to a bus stop far away and decided to get food down there instead of coming back to eat with us.

So after the party, Genevra, Harold, and I went to Fuel and Fuddle for half-off and we got better aquainted with each other. Harold is a really cool person and I hope we can become better friends. He's having problems with his ex: she wants him back and he isn't sure of his feelings. Apparently she is in Hawai'i (?) and she bought him a plane ticket without telling him so he would go visit her. Genevra definitely likes him, but she won't do anything until he figures all of that mess out. She is definitely trying to get closer to him, though. Anyway, after we went out to eat we went back to Harold's apartment... I don't really recall why... Oh! I think it was because she had left fabric and stuff there (she had helped make part of his ninja-pirate costume). We wound up giving massages to each other--apparently my back is ALL knots, not surprisingly--and talking late into the night. Genevra fell asleep somewhere around 2am-ish and Harold and I talked until about 4am. Then we all fell asleep and didn't get up until 11:30. Besides sleeping on the floor--which wasn't all that bad--it was a great time.

When we got up this morning we went to Eat N Park for food and started moving Genevra into her new apartment in the South Side. It only took us two trips because of my awesome packing job. x3 The futon was a LARGE problem, though. After much effort, we managed to stuff it into the back seat, but realized Harold wouldn't be able to see out of his rear windshield, so we had to fit it into the trunk. It didn't quite fit, but after pushing and stomping and prodding, we got in mostly in there. The trunk wouldn't close, though, so they bungied it and off we went.

By the time we got everything done, it was already 6:30. Harold had stuff to do, so they dropped me off and I've watched anime until now. I definitely need to shower before church tomorrow. I didn't expect to sleep over anywhere, so I didn't bring any deoderant and I couldn't find Harold's in the bathroom, so I wound up spraying the armpits of my shirt with Febreeze type stuff. XD I can't tell if I smell good or just odd. We'll go with odd. o_O

Anyway, I need sleep. Just because I got a decent amount of hours doesn't mean I slept well. おやすみ。

まったく。。。

2008-10-30T23:43:00.003-04:00

I'm not sure why, but まったく (geeze...) seems to sum up my thoughts right now, like it's the recurring theme.

I finally turned in that damn metafiction paper on Tuesday. We got it back today: B-. Fail, right? I worked so hard on it. -_- She said that we can revise it again and turn it in my the end of the semester and she will take the better grade. But I never want to see that paper again! ... But I want an A... ;_;

Right now, though, I have to worry about a Rhetoric test on Tuesday and the euthanasia debate on Thursday. Tomorrow is Genevra's birthday, but I probably won't get to spend much time with her 'cause I need to research for the debate and meet up with Ethan at 4:30. I haven't gotten to spend much time with Genevra recently--it's made me lonely again. >< Pathetic. I hope she likes her presents. I'm sure she will, I'm just worried about the bracelet. It fell apart tonight when I went to put it on. Thank God I had the extra supplies. Hopefully it will be okay now.

眠りがいりますよ！
I need sleep!

Writing Slave

2008-10-22T22:39:00.000-04:00

Wednesdays are always so full of writing. I'm "revising" my metafiction paper for O'Brien's The Things They Carried. Or rather, rewriting it. Or trying. I'm in the lounge in Holland, but there are these three girls across the room that are studying for a test in about an hour and a half in what sounds like anatomy. I don't mind it as much now beause they are acutally studying, but before the third one got here, they were just babbling about random stuff. DX

No one's ever had a problem with my English writing until now. I know Prof. Schwartz doesn't mean to be mean, but she just tears my papers to shreds. I'll be so glad when the semester's over.

I also have to write an Argument paper today. >p This is way too much writing.

~~~

Why am I so attentive when it comes to words? I'm horrible at using them myself, but when they are said or written out in front of me, I'm very particular about the words used and what they mean. For example, the assignment on metafiction: the paper is saying to "Show particular examples (using specific quotes from the text) of O'Brien's use of metafiction and explain how that technique qualifies it (or doesn't?) as metafiction." So I've been focusing on proving that it's metafiction 'cause that's what it says. But I just got off the phone with Prof. Schwartz and she was saying that I'm supposed to focus on how and why it's being used. Maybe I'll talk to her about that tomorrow... if she has a minute or two after class. How I'm not understanding/misinterpreting what she is looking for and that's why I don't get it.

I answer questions based on wording. I'm a weirdo. (-_- )( -_-)

=_=

2008-10-10T15:46:00.003-04:00

Here's a repetitive entry: I'm lonely!! And it's only Friday!

Genevra is on her way to North Carolina with her friend Malory to meet someone Mal met online. It's a good thing that Malory isn't going alone, but now I don't have anything to do this weekend except for homework. I want to meet up with Keer at some point, but he hasn't gotten back to me on when would be best. It's a three day weekend (Yay Fall break), so I can pretty much hang whenever.

So bored... I guess I'll start reading those articles for Rhetorical Process...

Boss Monty and Black Dona

2008-09-13T23:21:00.005-04:00

I have a laptop! *cheers* Dude, it's a Dell. XD This thing rocks! Although the wireless is schizo.

In other news, I stayed at Mike's last night until about 1:30am and then came home and went to bed. Andrea calls me at 7:30am asking if I can come in a work, 'cause Ian's sick/partied too hard after the football game last night. -_- I go in, of course. I got to hang out with Melissa most of the time, 'cause she didn't have much to do, and we always seemed to be in the same place. It was nice. Except for the fact that I have little endurance left for the horse barn, so it took forever to do, and it was raining. I didn't get out until 2 (and then stayed with Melissa until 2:30) Boo. But I got $50. w00t.

It's Saturday night and I need to write 3 papers (approx. 2 pgs. each) and do lots of other homework. I should have been working on that, but I was putting everything on my laptop instead. And tomorrow is LifeTeen, so I won't have much time to work on them. At least I don't have to work in the morning again.

Needs and Wants

2008-09-09T20:25:00.007-04:00

That last entry... yeah... I guess I don't want to talk about it. I wouldn't even know what to say. Mike was there for me. That's all I needed.

So I'm into my third week of sophomore year and my first year in Japanese. Lightly speaking, it's intense. This semester is already shaping up so much better than last. I've actually made friends this time around. Well, Rika became my friend last semester, so I shouldn't downplay it that much. I've met Deanna, a girl who is also taking Japanese and met Liv, Kaityn, and Jessica Kimbell at Tekko. I don't see her all that often because our class got split up, but I still hang out with her every now and then. Same with Rika. But mostly I hang out with Genevra, Jon Rennie's old girlfriend. I met her at Tekko last semester, and she happens to be in my Japanese recitation. We usually hang out 3-5 times a week, which is really nice. She's a very interesting person. Bi-curious, as she calls it, magical (apparently has mythical creature bloodlines), and really, very lovely. I'm happy to have her as a friend.

I hung out with Genevra after Japanese lecture today and we had Chinese in Schenley Plaza. There was this wonder artist playing her piano. It was so beautiful, I bought one of her CDs. Her name is Joy Ike and she's an extremely talented musician/singer who majored in Communications. lol.

Liv came by a couple weekends ago. She's getting tutored by Sensei every few weekends or so, so she stayed over. She did the thing she's always wanted to do with me: she got me to talk. It didn't really make me feel any different about the things I talked about, but she gave me some much needed insight. Like how she and Chelsea both need me. The Chelsea part surprised me, but Liv said it's because I rescued her from her house so often. I didn't even think about that. The other thing that she made me realize was my infatuation with Min. It's not a "I want him" type thing, but almost a "I used to know him and am drawn to him" thing. I really don't know how to describe it, but it's there.

I finially looked up the catholic's view on reincarnation. Reincarnation is a purely human concept that falls under the same categories as astrology and palm reading. It can be easily summed up (for me anyway) with "It is appointed that human beings die once, and after this the judgment" (Heb. 9:27). Makes sense to me if I really think about it. The human soul is something precious; it wouldn't get reused and recycled.

Abuse

2008-07-07T23:20:00.003-04:00

Dad came close to physically harming me today. I was just going to add to the conversation he and Mom were having and he sushed me before I got three words out. I swear, he went from not angry to ready to throttle me in less than 60 seconds. The only thing that could be construed as being wrong on my part was "interrupting," but neither of them were talking at the moment, so it wasn't that bad. And I wasn't going to say anything off topic. At some point I asked if I wasn't allowed to defend Mom and he said I wasn't, so I said something along the lines of "Well then I'll never defend you again." I know that was probably going too far, but to say that I wasn't allowed to defend Mom? That's not fair. After he got mad, he grabbed my neck. I don't know what he was going to do, but Mom shoved him away before anything happened. Apparently Mike and Isaac were about to do the same thing. Mike and I immediately walked to the lake.

*sigh* More on this later. I'm going to bed.

Nahniah

2008-05-18T00:34:00.000-04:00

Still thinking about Keer. Mike and I were going to see Narnia: Prince Caspian tonight and then found out it was Mono's b-day party and only Alina was able to go, so we met them at North Park Clubhouse. We mostly sat around and talked. At one point my most recent pic of Kael and Lily (The Approach) was brought up and Alina said Becky had thought Kael looked a little like Keer. I don't really see it, but if those two do--Alina had agreed with Becky--it makes me wonder if my subconscious is really thinking about him that much. I might get to see him again tomorrow because Alina and Mono want to do a sewing party. We'll see.

Prince Caspian was good, by the way. Not to mention pretty cute. ^_^ At one point I thought for sure the general was Tim Curry, but it wasn't. The credits had some pretty fun names: Cheeseman and Whynaught for example. And I found Guy, of course.

I just got the strangest urge to read Harry Potter... o_O

More Thoughts on Keer

2008-05-17T00:01:00.000-04:00

I've been meaning to write this journal for a while now. We just got faster internet and there were some problems, so I didn't have internet for a little while.

Every time I'm around Keer, I wish I were single. It could just be that I don't want to have to worry about what Mike would think of my actions or keep my own actions in check because I'm in a relationship. But I keep finding myself wondering what it would be like to kiss Keer. It's a strange feeling 'cause I've never had it before. Sure I've imagined kissing others before, but never when I was with Mike, and I never wondered what it would be like for real. Or let me put it this way: I've never had the urge to do it before now. It makes me wonder what my real feelings are for Keer. I only see him as a friend, so why do I wonder? I guess it could just be induced by the fact that we are often close physically. And his light touches and kneading and biting certainly don't help because I like them so much. I feel like I can be so open with him, whereas with Mike I'm constantly watching myself and making sure I don't say or do anything wrong. But then again, I do watch myself when I'm with Keer, but on different stuff. I only watch myself because I don't want to disappoint him or lower his opinion of me.

And I sleep so much better when I am with Keer as opposed to with Mike. I know this probably doesn't mean much of anything, but it seems to matter to me. Yeah I like sleeping with Mike, but I fit so much better with Keer, and I don't really mean physically, although I think that's true. I mean we sleep the same way, or we think the same... I don't know. It's just more comfortable. The only time I've woken up when I was with Keer was when I was cold. I wake up constantly when I'm with Mike.

It really bothers me that Becky was so quick to accept that Mike and I were having problems and that I might break up with him. I only talked to her about it once and the next time we talked she wondered if I was with Keer. She didn't even ask if Mike and I were still together. I don't know why it bothers me so much, but it does. She said she always thought Keer and I would be a good couple.

Mom made the connection of why I like Keer so much. She says it's because he's practically the male version of my Becky. In a way, she hit the nail on the head. He is very much like her; I can't deny it. But at the same time, he's so different. He's more mature than she ever was. He wants to live his life to the fullest and take every opportunity that knocks on his door. He's better than Becky.

Agh. I don't know. I just needed to get these thoughts written down.

In other news, Wood 'N Things did not hire me, my room is still coming along, and I helped with the art installation in Pittsburgh yesterday and today. Check out the waterfall!This is on the climbing wall in the REI building in SouthSide Works. Yay for recycled water bottles and a little cellophane. It will be up for a week and then we are moving it to another rock wall in Pittsburgh 'cause the lady liked the idea and wanted it on her climbing wall also. She's giving out free climbing passes for you and a friend if you help, so I'm not complaining.

Sleepy time!

scrunched face

2008-05-07T00:07:00.000-04:00

So Isaac was the one who broke off the relationship. The bum. At least now he'll stop hurting Nobu. I'm really gonna miss her...

I just got off the phone with Becky and now I'm lonely again. :( This is really annoying. I know I don't need constant interaction, so why am I always lonely at night?

I'm still in the process of cleaning my room. I finally made it to the closet, so all the stuffs on the bed and my closet floor is clean--I'll be sleeping in there tonight. It won't be nearly as comfortable as Keer's closet and it will be a little more cramped, but I think I will be fine for the night. I'm still planning on painting my room. I'm thinking light cream for the walls and a dark brown for the trim and such. I'm also considering doing a mini mural on the wall next to the door. It'd be a tree with sakura. We'll see if that actually happens, though.

I applied for a job at Wood 'N Things today. They just need a part-timer in sales. I figure it's better than nothing. Bah. I feel so weird about getting a job. I don't know why.

I just dropped Min a line... I felt awkward about sending him an email, but, I don't know. Part of me still wants to be his friend, but the other part wants to put him in the past and just forget about him. Make him another Everis.

Ugh. I don't know. I'm so tired of feelings. I just want to not have to worry about them anymore. I don't want to have to constantly think about how is this going to effect, say, Mike. I just want to live and have fun. *sigh*

Might As Well

2008-05-05T01:05:00.000-04:00

So on Friday Dad found out Keer was male and said "I wouldn't have approved if I had known." Well you would have known if you had been listening. X( So he didn't want me to sleep over, then Mom expressed her distaste for the situation, so I wound up leaving for the Coffee House in a huff after telling Mom I wouldn't sleep over. As soon as I pulled my car around to leave the driveway I was crying. I was really looking forward to a weekend with Keer.

The Coffee House cheered me up; seeing all of my high school friends does. I got through about 1/4 of the art before I came to a dead halt 'cause people realized I was there. I got attacked by hugs. ^_^ OMG There was a tumor with hair and teeth! *dies happy* But yes. Keer and I were still going to hang out, it just wouldn't be a his place and we wouldn't be watching movies. We wound up hanging out at Cranberry Park and then the Fun 4 All parking lot until about 3ish and neither of us went to be until around 5, so I might as well have slept over. Bah.

Saturday Keer came over and we played Mario Kart for the Wii and made peanut butter cookies before going to his house before KT's concert. The whole day was fun. I got to meet Keer's brother Eugene (who is awesome) and KT's concert/drama thing kicked butt. I'm totally going to the next one too. After the concert I gave KT some cookies and the hand sculpture I made her. I should have taken a picture of it... it was just a little white hand holding music notes. I liked it, and I think she liked it too. I didn't really get to talk to her, 'cause she just performed and I know how that goes: everyone wants to talk to you. I met a whole bunch of Keer's friends, like Lochas (Lockas?), Jerad, Chad, Kai, just a lot of people. We stood in a circle and played hackysack for a while before we got kicked out and moved to Kai's apartment. We didn't really do much there--Halo, Robin Williams live, legos... that was pretty much it. Keer drove me back to my car and we slept until 4 before coming home. Yet again, I might as well have slept over.

Friday I noticed my front left tire was really low. It turns out there was a break at the base of the air valve. -_- So now I have a doughnut on my car and Dad can't fix my tire himself. Which also means I'm stuck here until the tire's fixed. You're not supposed to drive over 45mph on a doughnut, apparently.

We had classical mass today (Sunday) which rocked. There was another cello player, Paige Labaugh. She's a freshman and not a very good cello player, but oh well.

I'm thinking about painting my room cream and brown/chocolate. We'll see if that happens. It probably will.

I'm also thinking about getting another job. I like my brainless manual labor at SEC, but it runs my life too much. I can't do anything the evening before 'cause I have to get up early for work. I'm gonna check at Wood N Things and see what kinda worker they're looking for.

Lonely

2008-05-02T00:33:00.001-04:00

*cries* I'm lonely!! *pouts* I hate being lonely. Mom's right. I'll get married one day, just so I don't have to feel lonely anymore.

Looking forward to the Coffee House at Mars tomorrow and the Keer Movie Fest weekend right after. w00t.

I really want to make something for KT. I know, I haven't met her and I know next to nothing about her, but I really want to make her something. I don't know why; it's just a spontaneous thing. Maybe it's because we have something in common: Keer likes both of us. I know we have more in common: she's into music, she plays violin, piano, and writes her own stuff. She has an appreciation for small things. She likes video games, the outdoors, talking, and hanging out with friends. All of this info I got from Keer. She has a concert on Saturday that Keer and I might be going to, and I want to give her something when (if) I meet her. I'm thinking a little sculpture out of Crayola modeling clay... but I need to get the clay. I'll do that when I wake up so it has enough time to dry and such. I don't know what it will be yet... hopefully something she likes. *crosses fingers*

Room cleaning still in progress.

And OMG adorable picture of Eve. *coos*

Solutions

2008-04-30T11:07:00.000-04:00

I've figured it out! I don't have feelings for Min, Matt, or Keer. Problem solved. Or so it feels, anyway. With that part out of the way, it's so much easier to look at everything else.

I saw Mike on Sunday for the first time in a long while. For the first bit of our reunion, everything was strange and awkward, but then we went geocaching and things got better quickly. He acted so much differently! Almost like a guy! It was strange, but he actually did things that reminded me of what Keer does, like randomly running his nails down my arm. I was like "Woah! He's never done stuff like this before!... Yay!" It was nice. I hope he continues being more himself.

I'm gonna do a movie madness weekend with Keer starting Friday night. Mike isn't too happy about it, but after I told him I don't have feelings for Keer, he's been more cooperative. It's one of those things where he doesn't want to tell me I can't, but he wants me to come to that conclusion. Heh. Not gonna happen. I enjoy my time with Keer. He's fun and I can be completely and utterly open with him. No false words. None at all. It's great. It is tiring, though. Keer has high expectations of his friends, so I'm constantly watching my actions and monitoring what specifics I give out about me. And there are topics where we clash, like with religion. He's one of those "prove it and I'll believe it" people, so I have to watch my religion talk. There's other stuff, but you get the point.

So yeah. I still don't know my feelings about Mike, but I do know about the other ones, so that's a start, at least. I think Mike and I will be okay. I do feel really pressured every time he says "I love you" because that's such a heavy thing for me. Practically the equivalent of saying I want to marry y0u. He tried to explain that for him it wasn't that heavy, but he didn't do a very good job of it. At first I seemed to understand that it was "I love you more than a friend, but not enough to consider marrying you," but he screwed it up and said "but it might be enough to get engaged." Ugh. I think all this stuff is happening/happened because of the pressure. I think I need some non-relationship time, but then again, I think I'm a bad girlfriend anyway, so I should just be single with a close guy friend. I think I'd be happiest in that relationship. But of course, Mike doesn't want that, so...

Mike asked, so I truthfully told him that yes, I snuggle with Keer and we sleep in the same bed when I sleep over there. Needless to say, he was not happy about it, and I can see why he wouldn't be happy, but he needs to learn to see things from my point of view. I don't attach gender to friendship, so if I can snuggle with Liv, why can't I snuggle with Keer? Isaac would say it's dangerous and would give Keer the wrong idea, but Keer and I have established all those things. He knows I only do it as a friend, and even though he likes me, he's not going to try to woo me or anything. He'll let me go to him if that's what I want.

I'm almost getting discouraged about talking with others about heavy stuff like this. Not because I feel awkward or like I'm burdening them, but because I've already considered all of the feedback they give me. Besides me saying everything out loud, I'm not really getting anything out of it. *shrug* I guess I've just figured out how to think from many different angles, so I almost know everything to be considered. Wow. Check out that ego. Ugh.

On a completely different note, I have WAY too much stuff. I was watching a home improvement show on HGTV and they said that we only use 20% of the things we own. It's so true. I don't know if they were counting decorations or anything, but I still have way too much stuff. And clothes, omg. I was content with the amount I had at college and now I come back and I have so many clothes! I went through them once already, but I'm gonna go through them again to weed out even more. As for my room, I'm slowly working my way around it, dusting, throwing stuff away, basically a hard-core cleaning. The garbage man comes tonight, so I need to get a move on and get at least most of it done. C>(-_-) (That's a puff sigh. Yay for new emoticons.)

It's Raining Men

2008-04-25T16:01:00.003-04:00

Oh man, I don't even know where to start with this one. -_- So it seems like ever since the Min thing and I started doubting my relationship with Mike, God has been throwing guys at me. It kinda feels like He's been the little brother who wants to play with his big sibling. Once the sibling agrees, He wants to play everything 'cause he finally got what he wanted. So my translation: He's been wanting me to give up on Mike and now that I'm doubting, He's been showing me all these options. Kinda like "Oh! Here's a guy! And here's another! Don't forget about this one!" o_O Min was obviously the first.

Second, not quite so surprising, was Matt Harrington. Somehow I'd forgotten the fact that Matt likes me. Or maybe it was because I never thought Matt actually liked me. He slept over Saturday night because he had some type of mini convention down by the airport and Sunday (April 20) was his birthday so his parents were taking him to Nakama. The night before he came, though, he kept on saying stuff about what his perfect girl is like and how he let her slip through his fingers. *sigh* It was a fun weekend overall. We went to Lulu's Noodles Saturday night, he fell asleep on the floor at about 10:30, I couldn't sleep because of my cough, so I actually wound up sleeping in the closet (o_O), Sunday we ventured around the Carnegie museums and in the basement where Matt worked over the summer, met up with his parents and went to dinner at Nakama (Mmm... Chicken Diablo...) and had a jolly ol' time.

Third is Keer. Yes, Keer. I started talking to him over AIM not too long ago and then got to see him at Tekko. He's been considering getting hormones, but is iffy about it right now. He's giving himself a year to research and consider and all that jazz. Anyway, we had fun for the short amount of time we got to see each other. In fact, I wound up spending Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights with him. In his comfy closet. Watching movies and having good conversations. It turns out that Keer likes me. Yeah. And he has lots of standards, man. She's got to cuddle, be intelligent, mature, good looking, ugh... there's more, but I can't remember them right now. He said it's hard to find someone who fits all the criteria. He's found me and this other girl KT who is a year younger than me. Actually, he isn't sure if I fit the "intelligent" category yet, but that's only because we haven't really done anything that would show him that I am intelligent, or, intelligent enough for him. *shrug*

So yes, it's frickin' raining men.

Sorry, WHAT?

2008-04-18T22:00:00.000-04:00

So, I wound up spilling everything I was thinking to Mike last night even though I wanted to wait to make sure those were my real emotions. Or at least until we were face to face. Jerk. )X I still don't know whether I should break up with him or not.... I'm leaning toward yes. Of course he tells me this: "I haven't fully been myself for this relationship." Sorry, WHAT? So, if you don't mind me asking, who have I been dating for 10 months?! Ugh! wtf. >_> And at some point he was babbling on about how he thinks this has been a really good relationship, but I wouldn't know because I haven't dated anyone else. Excuse me? Is that permission to break up with you? 'Cause I'll take it. Bastard. How about, he said he was probably pretending to be depressed the first time we dated so I would pay attention to him. Just...! Just... AHASRHLAIDHV;UIARSDFJSN8WY[10YF

No pink eye, thank God. It's just part of the cold. -_-

More later, I'm sure.

cries

2008-04-16T23:15:00.001-04:00

DAMN IT!! WTFUCKKK?!?!!?! THIS WEEK SUCKS!!! *cries*

I got a 54 on my Business Calc test, I'm really sick, and I think I have pink eye. ;_;

:fork:

2008-04-15T23:42:00.000-04:00

So now I'm really confused about my feelings. I was talking to Rika about it and I came to the conclusion Mike doesn't really make me happy. I'm content while I'm with him, but it's not the same thing. It still feels like he's a friend with benefits over a boyfriend. And it drives me crazy that he doesn't make me feel any better about myself. He doesn't make me feel worse, but that's not the kind of relationship I want. I want to feel good about myself and be able to make the other person feel good about their self, too. I don't know if I do that with Mike.

If I wasn't so sick, I'd bang my head of the wall.

I have e-mails going back and forth with Min now. We've only had two legit. ones, so we'll see where it goes. I'll save them for reference.

Tekko Drama

2008-04-14T02:37:00.001-04:00

I have come to the conclusion I have low self esteem. How did I come to this? Tekko weekend spelled it out for me.

Sara drove me out Friday at about 3:30ish and it took us quite a while to get there despite it being only a 10 min. drive. Stupid traffic. Once I got there, the first thing I did was go visit Robert. ^_^ Oh how I've missed that man. Here is case 1 for my conclusion. Yes, Robert is charismatic, but he makes me feel really good about myself. He likes to take pictures of me (naughty and otherwise) and is actually really sweet, despite him being a lech. He laughs and counters my witty remarks and we can flirt and taunt each other without actually meaning any of it. It's all in good fun.

Case 2: Min Win. I met Min Friday night after seeing Robert while I was looking for people I knew. Min is one of the sword dealers along with his big, black, awesome friend Xavier. Min was really nice and talked with me for a minute or two every time I walked by. Min is a Vietnamese photographer from southern California.So he was cute, Asian, really nice, and it seemed like he wanted to be my friend. Who could resist? Not me, obviously. So I kept on seeing him and talking to him every time I passed by. Saturday he asked if I wanted to hang out when he got off at 7. Of course I did. I was excited because I had made a new friend. I could tell he was flirting with me a little, but it didn't bother me because it reminded me of how Robert and I flirt. He was calling a lot a girls "babe." Harmless, meaningless. I didn't actually go through this thought process. If I had, I would have kicked myself for being dumb. Obviously he was flirting for real. Why didn't I get this?! Ugh!

Anyway. I was hanging out with Liv, Alex Caruso, and Jake Seamon at the time he actually got off, which was 7:30ish because he had to help clean up and stuffs. I forget how we made it to Artist's Alley and why, but it all worked out 'cause he didn't have the chance to look around earlier. He bought a few jewelry piece and two 2' long foam pieces of Pocky. One chocolate, one strawberry. He gave me the strawberry one. Of course I resisted, but he wouldn't take it, so now I have an uber awesome Pocky plushy. ^_^

Moving on, all of us went to the little pizza palor the hotel had (Min invited them to come even though I think he didn't really want to. maybe it was a plot to impress me. it worked.) and Min paid for mine and Liv's food. Jerk. ^_^ Of course, I slipped some money into his pants pocket, so really I paid for mine at least. I found it attractive that he also paid for Liv's food because in the short time he had seen us together, he knew how close we were. It's like that Spice Girls song: "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends." or at least try to be friends. While we were in line, he did what Robert does, to some extent. He countered my wit. Not all the time. Sometimes he just laughed, which made me feel good anyway.

Mike doesn't do that type of stuff. He rarely laughs at my wit, which makes me think I'm not witty until I do it around other people. It's almost like a way of putting me down, even though I know he doesn't mean it or even do it on purpose. And Min was more outgoing that Mike is. I'm an extrovert, I need other extroverts. Being around intros for a long time drives me crazy! And unfortunately, Mike is a very intro intro.

Actually this topic came up briefly at dinner. Liv did a mini rant on passive people and I said "like my boyfriend." Apparently Min didn't catch this. Too bad, I said it on purpose, too. That caused some problems.

Liv and I went to the Asian boy bands panel when we finished and Sarah and Jesyrae got out of line just in time to take our seats. Sad face. I haven't seen Sarah in a while. Anyway, I didn't really want to go to the panel, I wanted to spend time with Min, but Liv had been having a lot of drama (drunk guys hitting on her) and she needed my company. Min and I made a date to dance at the rave and we left.

Panel was boring, I went to chance into my rave outfit. The line for the rave was HUGE. It went from the ballroom all the way back to Artist's Ally, which was at the complete opposite end of the hotel. Luckily, I spotted Elyssa and Ray in line across from the bar, so I snuck in with them. Sarah and Jessy eventually joined us. There was a max limit of people for the rave, but they nixed that after a while. It was so hot and sweaty in there. So much fun. Unfortunately, Min got stuck working AGAIN. He was selling fake rose buds, shinies, and glowsticks at a table in the back. He gave free roses to me and Liv. ^_^ There was drama involving Liv and Lief, but overall everything was fun. Min even asked me if I wanted to hang out after the dance. ^_^

It was nearing 2am and Min finally got off for a few minutes to dance with me. All I have to say is damn. He's an awesome dancer. I was having a lot of fun until he kissed the back of my neck. Then I reiterated and said "You do know I have a boyfriend..." He heard me this time and immediately backed off. More like stopped dance and backed off a yard. I was immediately sad because it was then I made the connection between how he was acting and what he meant. I told him that didn't mean I wanted him to stop dancing with me. He continued, but he was a lot more hesitant and danced with Liv more than me. Pretty soon Min had to start cleaning up and he left without a word.

With the connection of action and thought finally making sense in my brain, I figured he didn't want to hang out with me after the rave anymore. I asked just to make sure. He needed to think about it. ;_; Time for questions: did this mean he had planned on making out with me? If I wasn't dating Mike, would I? If none of that stuff with Mike had happened, would I? I'm leaning toward yes on all of those.

The rave would be ending soon, so I went to get my things. On the way back, Min was pushing his cart of merch. down the hall. I gave him a weak smile and he pulled over. After a couple stumbled sentences he asked me "What do you want?" Oh that horrid question. There are so many possible meanings to it. So many. Of course the one that stood out was "What do you want from me?" which must be the worst of all readings of that phrase. I was so shocked I asked "What do you mean?" He said to forget it and gave me an excuse as to why he couldn't hang out. Obviously it was because I'm taken.

I felt wretched. Absolutely putrid. I talked with Jake about my naivety on the way back to the suite and he analyzed some of the things I did that would have given Min the wrong impression. I suck. Why can't I control my signals? Heck, I don't even know which signals are doing it! I wish I did know so I could control them. I still felt like shit for leading him on. I really like him. So, I decided to write him an apology, which I did the next morning. I would have just said it, but they tend to have a lot of customers, so I figured written was better. He could read it when he had the time.

In the mean time, I avoided the dealer's room and went to Artists Alley for a hopeful pick-me-up from Robert. He can always make me smile, even if it is evilly. Unfortunately, Robert felt I was looming after a few minutes... he gave me to really weird look when I asked him how he first got into art. Maybe I'll ask what that look meant... Anyway, I took it as my cue to leave, so I decided I had given Min enough time to read and headed toward the Dealer's Room.

The first thing he said was "I'm not good with letters. If you have something you want to say, then just tell me." Thanks for the confidence boost. -_- I basically reiterated what was in the letter, pretty much. I'm sorry, I didn't even realize I was leading you on, I'm naive like that, you're an amazing guy, if I wasn't dating, etc. I think he pretty much forgave me, but I still felt absolutely horrible about it. It was about time for me to get my things and meet up with Jon and Gen to go back to Pitt, so I visited Robert one last time to get my things. I'd given him a mini "I'm feeling bad" rant earlier, so he gave me a big hug before I left.

Ever since I left Min, I'd been on the edge of tears. I just felt so bad about what happened. That's what I really care about. I don't allow myself to hurt people unless it's with honesty, and even then I don't like to do it. If they're hurt, I feel like I've failed my life's goal to make the people around me happy. Which I have.

I met up with Jon and Gen, but they said the shuttle wouldn't be there until 2. They decided to walk around the Dealer's Room. I followed, but I hid from Min because I felt so bad and I didn't want to wind up saying anything wrong, or even giving him a bad look; whether that's a smile or a blank look, I don't know. Thankfully, Min's table is at the very beginning of the room, so once I passed him the first time, I was good.

We left and lounged in the bar area to wait and noticed a shuttle outside. We went out and asked if he was going to the airport; he was, so he took us and canceled out 2pm ride. Waiting around in a mini skirt when it was in the low 40s or less is not fun.

I tend to be detail oriented in some aspects of life and not in others. I am when it comes to smells. When Min and I were dancing, I couldn't help but notice. I couldn't place it at the time, but once I got off the bus and was walking back to the dorm, I knew what it was: city. He smelled like the city. Of course this didn't help since smell is the sense most closely time to memory.

So yeah. Dropped my stuff on the floor, cried for bit, finally fell asleep, got up, took a shower, went to church, came back, cried some more, and cleaned up the room. Now not only do I have a cold and runny nose, I also have a headache from crying, which has yet to go away. I'm completely exhausted from the drama and from the lack of good sleep (thank you freezing rooms, cold, hard floors, and a thin blanket).

I'd go to bed, but I'm sending this entry to Mike and he'll want to talk about it. He's mad I pose for Robert. How dumb. I mean, I'm not doing any harm, and to fit with the journal theme, it boosts my low self esteem levels. Ugh. Anyway, I'm done here.

Lying Cheater with Herpes

2008-04-07T01:41:00.000-04:00

Geez, this is SO weird... I found Isaac's online journal and it just happens to be a blogspot journal. What a coincidence. I stumbled upon it when I went to check my email and stuffs. He had the journal update page up with some "material" typed. He only has four or five entries, but I decided to be the snoop little sister and read it. It's online, so it's up there for the whole web to see. If he didn't want anyone (me) to find it, he should have just written a normal journal. Even if I found that, I wouldn't have read it 'cause I would have known he didn't want anyone to see it.

I guess that means I secretly want someone I know to find this journal... Yeah. I do. But I'm not going to tell anyone.

Back to Isaac, it turns out he's a PUA--a pick up artist. I kinda went SDLFKV MNOQ8UR WHAT?! He's using his talents for evil!! Evil!! *sigh* Poor Nobu. I can't tell for sure, but I think he's cheated on her (sex?)... and one of the entries said "I have not been sooo unfaithful." But then he was like "Why cant she accept that i want to better myself!" And I went "YOU FRICKIN' CHEATED ON HER, JERKOFF!!" DX I mean, really! Is he that dumb that he wouldn't understand why she would be upset?! From how it sounds, she doesn't know about it, but can guess.

Ugh. I mean, I feel jealous when Mike spends a lot a time with Amy 'cause it always sounds like he has more fun with her than he does with me. But to have him cheat on me? I'd feel like shit! Like I wasn't even close to good enough for him. Like I was just someone to fill his time when Amy wasn't available.

Come on, Isaac! Get with the program! Girls are more in-tune with their feelings than guys are. That means something that would hurt you, hurts us twice as much! We don't just think on it; we dwell on it. It's like a broken record that just keeps on going.

Ugh. Just... ugh. He likes the PUA lifestyle because he gets validation out of it. You can get validation out of ANYTHING! Not just picking up chicks. You can use your powers of manipulation for good, too! Do the same thing to make friends instead of get chicks. You have a girlfriend whom you want to marry. You should not be doing ANYTHING with ANY girl other than Nobu.

You're a liar, a cheater, and I wouldn't be surprised if you have herpes. Thank you Dane. Goodnight.

Michael Isaac

2008-03-20T01:41:00.001-04:00

Michael Isaac was the boy from my dream last night. At some point he was kidnapped on a hijacked train that me and, I think, my family chased down (literally on foot). We chased the train through this amazingly open, hilly, green place until it fled into this valley where Michael was from. I swear, it was straight out of a Miyazaki. Everyone else took care of the hijackers while I returned Michael to his home. Somehow, I didn't get a look at him. I stood in the dining room outside his bedroom door with my ear pressed to his door and my eyes closed. He was playing the cello. God, it was beautiful. His grandmother was sitting at the table next to me and knew, with that conspiring smile grandmas get, that I had a HUGE crush on him. She told his mother to set another place at the table for me. ^_^ Finally he came out of his room for dinner. He was tall, maybe about the same as Matthew, with strawberry blonde, brownish, curly hair. He was so cute! The rest of the dream is blurry and really messed up. That part of the dream ended and at some point I had sex with Mike. I don't know.

I talked to Becky today. It was mostly about her story; it seems like everything has changed. I really needed an elvin fix, though. I'm gonna call her tomorrow and we can talk about real life stuff. I've really missed her. I will really miss her.

Drowning in Tears

2008-03-12T03:18:00.001-04:00

I just went through all the scans I have of Becky's old art and the voice recorder notes. I couldn't stop shaking and crying. It reminded me of Liv. One day, she asked me if the pain ever goes away. I told her the truth: it never goes away. Never.

I don't even know.

2008-02-24T00:46:00.001-05:00

I'm so emo right now. Yeah, it's because of Becky. Engaged and moving to Maryland in a few days. I hate how this affects me so much. What if she wants me to be part of the wedding? What if she doesn't? She told me she was going to send me something in the mail. I can only assume it's a wedding invitation. Man. There's no way I'll be able to get through it without breaking down.

I wish it was warm outside. I would really like to go for a walk.

Nobu-oneesan

2008-02-18T18:34:00.000-05:00

OMG!! *flails excitedly* I just got off the phone with Isaac and he said the most amazing thing while we were talking about Nobu. He said the ways things are going, he could MARRY Nobu!!
a;oweijajvp978a4wbrkiq ywbfv n2;oi8 qvjUWED NQWU5/!!!!!!!!
He said he doesn't want to get married until he's approx. 26, which is fine. That leaves plenty of time for them to break up if something goes wrong, but STILL. I want Nobu to be my sister! *happy tears*

Letting Go

2008-02-14T22:31:00.001-05:00

Becky is engaged. I should have let go a long time ago...

Guilty Poverty: Giving to Charity

2008-01-18T01:18:00.000-05:00

I just wrote this, what feels like, massive essay for English Comp. It was responding to Peter Singer's essay "The Singer Solution to World Poverty." It was one of those times you didn't know you thought that way until it came out on the page. Humans are so... despicable. We have to be guilt-tripped into being good people. It's horrible to think about, but it's true. Here's the essay as it is. There will probably be major revision once Prof. Erica gets back to me. I sent it to her so she could read it and tell me what to do with it. Yeah, to sum up what Singer was saying in his essay, he tried to guilt-trip the reader into giving money to his two charities. His first example was of Dora, who escorted a boy pretty much to his death unknowingly for money to buy a TV. The second dealt with Bob who spent his life and savings spiffing up this old classic and left it on a second pair of train tracks to take a stroll. A train is coming and a boy (dumb ass boy) walking on the tracks doesn't notice. Bob has two options: flip the switch, saving the boy and destroying his car, or not flipping the switch, killing the boy, but saving his car. He chooses the second. Yeah, there's pretty much all you need to understand the essay. I like it how it is for the most part, so I'll post it now. This is the first typed draft.

~*~

From the time we were little, we knew there were starving people around the world. Our mothers made sure we knew it every time we refused to ear our vegetables. “Eat your food. Don’t you know there are starving children in _______? Fill in the blank. At some point in our young lives, we connected starvation to suffering to diseases and therefore knew, even if we did not really say it, many people (or children at least) were dying from diseases. If for some reason we did not make this connection, the numerous TV commercials asking for donations sufficed by knocking us upside the head and cluing us in. Peter Singer in his essay “The Singer Solution to World Poverty” decides to take a different route to get us to contribute to charities: guilt.

Guilt is a wonderful way to get people to do things for you. I admit I have used it myself, though I felt more than putrid afterwards. But from his first example, Singer uses this tactic to get us to donate to UNICEF or Oxfam America or any other “charitable agencies” (390). His example of Dora is one that gets us to sympathize with the poor boy and look to Dora to save him, even though she turned out to be the key person in the scam. And it is true, as Singer said, if she would not have tried to save the boy after figuring out what she had done, “she would have become, in the eyes of the audience, a monster” (390). Now to lay on the guilt; he compares us and the dying children around the world to Dora and the boy. Thus, he turns our views to make us look at ourselves as monsters because we (or at least, most of us) do not donate to good causes. Instead, we recklessly spend our money on luxuries that will not help us in the end. So how are we any different from Dora? According to Singer, there is no difference.

There is a new television show coming out called “Nothing but the Truth” that poses difficult questions to the contestants for money. The difference between this show and “Who wants to be a Millionaire” is the contestants on “Nothing but the Truth” are strapped to a lie detector and the questions are about their moral values. One of the questions asked on the commercial was “Do you really care about the starving children in Africa?” A few moments later, the question was answered “no.” Many of you will gasp at her answer and wonder how she could be so cold and say such a thing. But the knowledge that there are people dying around the world is a common fact. From the very beginning of our lives, that fact has been shoved down our throats (along with our vegetables) and, truthfully, we have become fairly immune to it. Admit it; every time one of those commercials comes on, you want to say “Yeah, yeah. I know” and change the channel. We all do it. It can also be compared to the violence in our world. The rating on TV shows and movies have been slipping since I was a little girl. I recently watched a new PG movie with a few friends and we were appalled at the language being used and the excessive violence being displayed. This movie should have been rated at least PG-13. With that much crudity being available to the minds of youngsters, it is no wonder the world is going down the drain, metaphorically speaking. But do we notice? Not really. We are too wrapped up in our own lives and material possessions to really care.

Singer emphasizes material possessions in his next example from Peter Unger’s book Let High and Letting Die. This is quite obviously a very similar situation to which Dora was in. Only now the material possession, Bob’s car, is in physical danger along with the boy. Bob must choose which will survive. But the reader must ask when looking at this situation “Who the hell would park their valuable I-poured-my-life-into-this car on train tracks?” It would seem Bob almost deserves this decision because of his idiocy. However, Singer mocks us for caring about the things we are proud of by stating

If you still think that it was very wrong of Bob not to throw the switch that would have diverted the train and saved the child’s life, then it is hard to see how you could deny that it is also very wrong not to send money to one of the organizations listed above. Unless, that is, there is some morally important difference between the two situations that I have overlooked.

Yet I can almost guarantee he is proud of his essay. How much money did he make for writing it? How much of it did he give to charities? Singer, a graduate of Oxford University and Professor at Princeton, reports that he gives 25% of his salary to UNICEF and Oxfam. Granted that is much more than the average person gives, but I am sure he is still living a more than comfortable life. Would this make him a hypocrite? You decide.

All sane humans want to see themselves as a decent people. The truth is no one is perfect, so this is as much as we can hope for. This is the main reason why we try to ignore the fact people are dying from preventable and curable diseases. It is not that we do not care—I think we all do to some extent,—it is just that we do not want anyone to prove us wrong and pop the bubble of what little pride we have in ourselves. In a world full of violence, we strive for the most perfect and happy life we can get. When confronted with things we should be doing to help others achieve that kind of life, we turn away. But would not it make sense that if we were to make someone else happy, we, in turn, would be happy because or their happiness and the fact that we bettered ourselves in the process? Despite my surprising defense of the evil of humanity, this is what I believe. Unfortunately, most people do not see it that way, or just do not think about it. How do you truly “better” yourself? Some people think you can better yourself by exercising or spending thousands of dollars to get a “better” education at a four year college. Singer would argue a “better” route would be to give that time and those thousands to charities and go to a less expensive community college or not go to college at all, despite going to one of the most expensive colleges in the United States himself. The truth is all of those views can be considered as the bettering of oneself. The difference comes down to what, specifically, you are bettering. Exercise betters the body, education betters the mind, and charity betters the soul. The answer to what you would prefer to better is up to each individual. Unfortunately, many people don’t believe they have a soul. And if they do believe souls exist, they all have different theories as to what happens to the soul when the body dies. Those who believe the soul exists while they exist do not give a shit what happens to their soul after they die because, supposedly, it would also stop existing. Some believe in reincarnation; the soul will return to the earth in the form of a different body after they die. As a branch of this, some believe the body of the next life reflects how you lived your previous life; some believe you get to choose your next embodiment; some believe you do not have a choice in the matter; and some believe the soul gets reincarnated as nature. Of course there are many other theories, but the point is, what you believe will determine how you live your life and “better” yourself. Because there are so many people that do not consider their soul, or only pretend to, most of them would choose to better their body and mind over their soul. Hence, they do not giving their money to charities. Singer declares “if we don’t do it, then we should at least know that we are failing to live a morally decent life.” Most of us know; we just ignore it.

On another note; how trusting can you be of charities? How much of your money actually goes to the cause? Obviously, there are respectable charities such as the ones Singer listed, but many who do give money, give to a variety of charities: some not so respectable. The news warns us to be careful who we give our money to. We practice the same caution giving our money to charities as we do to the homeless on the streets. “Are they actually going to use my money for food and shelter or are they just going to buy alcohol and drugs?” “Is my money actually getting to those kids or are the charity workers taking it all for themselves?” It is a tricky process to find out if charities are respectable or not. You have to research to find out. That takes time. Humans, I am sorry to say, are lazy. Researching may be incredibly easy with the use of the ever-helpful internet, but it still takes time: time we do not want to waste on researching (even though it will be wasted on something else anyway). In the end we just do not bother to do it. In our minds: “No time wasted, no one stealing my donated money.” It is an easy concept.

So have we been reduced to giving only when someone guilt-trips us into it? Sadly, that answer is a resounding “yes.” Guilt seems to be one of the only ways to procure a satisfying response to these certain situations. So few people give their hearts along with their money anymore. As I applaud the people who do, I also understand the horrible concept of human laziness and the evils that let us turn our eyes and lives from those who really need our help. So as much as I despise the guilt tactic used by Peter Singer in his essay “The Singer Solution to World Poverty,” I concede to its necessity.

Paint Balls and Ice Cream

2008-01-13T11:56:00.001-05:00

Lots has happened in the last couple of days. Thursday I went to Cru (Campus Crusades for Christ). It's pretty much just mission trip program. It was alright. I'll probably go back; everyone was really nice. Afterwards, Sara and I stayed up talking about religion and stuff until after midnight. It was fun.

Friday I sat around after class and did homework. Then most of Cru and I went to a gymnastics competition, which one of the Cru girls was in. Damn those girls can flip. 3/4 of the way through, we left and went to watch a movie at South Side. Everyone went to see Juno except Sara and I. We saw The Bucket List. It was funny and serious. Not bad. The ride home was interesting because the campus bus was full of drunks. o_O

Saturday I went to see The Lion King with Brittany and her parents at the Benedum and we went to The Olive Garden afterward. The Lion King was interesting. Better than I thought it was going to be. I expected something different from the Disney movie, but it was the Disney movie, just with a couple of added songs etc. When I got back to the dorm, I got to meet Sara's friend Amber and we decided to go get some Coldstone ice cream. While we were waiting at the bus stop, someone hit Amber with a paint ball launched out of a slingshot in a moving van. It hit her upper right thigh and there is probably a welt there today. Some people are such jerks. The rest of the evening went well and the ice cream was very good.

And today has been church so far and that's it.

Goodbye 2007

2007-12-31T22:41:00.000-05:00

December 31st already. It's been a long time since I've typed a journal entry... I think my last real one was before we went to visit Matthew, Stephanie, and Eve-chan. They are up right now; we just opened Christmas presents from/for them. I got a how-to-survive-college book and this funky "WTF is that" stuffed animal. It looks like a blueT-Rex/marsupial/Chihuahua... weird. I <3 it. Unfortunately, I have to work in the morning, so I'm gonna go to bed until I have to drive Isaac home from Alison's. At least we won't have a repeat of last year. -_-

Nobu was here for a while. I really hope those two stay together. She is so sweet. ^_^ Although sometimes it feels like Isaac talks to her like she is a little kid. >:( She gave me Origami Love Notes. I've already used a couple of sheets. Some of those are freakin' hard! Oh well. Still fun. Her X-Mas card to me was a monster, but I think I got it. ><

I posted a list of what I got for Christmas on dA, with the exception of what Mike got me, 'cause I had already posted it by then. I <3 my sewing machine!

I got to see Becky and Tia for an hour or two the other day; they were home for the weekend. Becky is the same, although she died her hair black, straightened it, and cut it to about shoulder length. I'm not sure what Tia did, but she looked really cute when I saw her. Something about the new shade of her hair and her glasses frames really brought out her eyes. She had some curls in there too. Too cute.

Mike and I are doing fine. He and, like, everyone else are complaining that I'm leaving for Pitt so early. I can't help that! Well, he's spending the night with Adam and, maybe, Marita. We just found out that Maura Elizabeth is not Adam's girl. She's... that guy from McDonald's: Marita's boss, I think. There are mixed emotions about that whole situation. I don't know if I should tell Mom or not. Mike is kinda glad that it's not Adam's because he didn't want it to ruin Adam's life. I suppose I wanted her to be Adam's so I could pretend Marita was... semi decent, I guess. I don't know. Apparently, she was cheating on Adam before and after she knew she was prego. Adam tried to kick her out of his house, where she's been staying apparently, and she threatened to kill herself. That's pretty low and it definitely hurts my opinion of her. All of this situation does. I don't know what's going to happen with that relationship. Right now Adam is trying to get his name off of Maura's birth certificate. I guess we're all kinda hoping the relationship comes to an end, but Mike says he can still tell he loves Marita.

I need to go see Sarah, Chelsea, and Liv by Friday. Since they start school in two days, I'm gonna try seeing them all tomorrow, but I don't know how that will work out... I think Chelsea already has plans... Well, if worst comes to worst, I'll just leave their presents at their houses.

I can't believe I'm going to Pitt in four days... I haven't even started packing! I've talked with my roommate, Sara, through Facebook and she seems like an awesome person; I think we'll turn out to be good friends. Liv is still trying to fight her way into Pitt. I don't know what's going to happen there. She is waiting for a reply from Penn State to see if she got into there as a backup. I hope she makes it to Pitt: for her sake. It's where she's always wanted to go.

I got to hang out with Alina and Emily at a sleepover a while ago. Becky was supposed to come, but she didn't show. This is the conclusion I made that night: Every time she disappoints me, I get more bitter. Yeah, I think sums it up nicely. Well, at least Alina is still a pretty good friend.

I got to see some more of that group of friends when Mike Cornell had a party last week. I got to see him, SAM, Alina, Mono, SAM, Brad, Dom, SAM, and a couple others. I miss Sam. T^T I miss a lot of people.

Here's to 2007. May 2008 be a better year.

Mom

2007-12-04T23:02:00.000-05:00

I love Mom. ^_^ <3 She's the greatest person ever. No one can ever take her place. <3

Becky Dream

2007-10-24T08:50:00.000-04:00

Part of my dream last night was weird. Becky came home, but she didn't tell me. I only found out because Chelsea mentioned it in her dA journal. Becky was performing in the Bakerstown Annex and I was really upset no one told me. When I got to the Annex, they had the bleachers from the Life Teen house (only bigger) set up to the left and there was a crowd of fans on them. They were cheering and shouting like Becky was an idol. I sat down in the back toward the right side of the room with my knees to my chest. I didn't recognize any of the songs, but I knew them in the dream. She was painted up like you would expect her to be for a performance. The wall behind her had an abstract, fae-like version of her face.

I miss Becky.

Phantom Pitt

2007-10-21T21:32:00.000-04:00

Mike and I went to Phantom Fright Night last night. There was so much traffic getting there. >_< And the park was so crowded. We only went on the bumper cars, Volcano, and Phantom's revenge. We also went through a haunted house called Vampire Villa. It was pretty good. By that point it was near closing time, so we came home. I got four hours of sleep before I had to go to work. Luckily, Ian was working so it wasn't too bad. That and Andrea was gone. w00t!

Mom and I just went through all of the Pitt stuff for housing and dining and stuffs for spring. DX Oh well. At least it's done. Now I jsut have to do all the other stuff like go see a counselor. Bleh. It's coming up fast.

Tears for Sa Sa

2007-10-18T19:30:00.000-04:00

Well this week really sucked at work. First Red dies and now Salem is dead. Yeah. I guess Eric had to put him down yesterday, though I don't know why. I always thought we would lose Wizard before Salem. *sigh* Tommy told me this morning. I was confused when he said Salem died. I thought he meant Red but said Salem. I wish that was the case. :'( We were both still sad about Red and now even more sad about Sa Sa. I swear Tommy had tears in his eyes. ;_;

くそ！！

2007-10-17T00:36:00.000-04:00

Damn it. Mike and I went too far again tonight. I wound up practically hyperventilating and was all tingle-y. He said he wants to talk about it tomorrow morning before classes, so we'll see what happens.

Red Butterfly

2007-10-15T11:27:00.000-04:00

Friday night Mike and I went to Scarehouse down in Etna. It consisted of two building with a maze you walk through with all the typical scares. Although I didn't get scared, I'd say it was the best I've been to. The people dressed up were really creepy and did a good job. The wait to get in took about 2 or so hours. >_< There was a girl in front of us who I swear was high. She was with her friend (boyfriend?) and her dad. She wouldn't stop talking! I wanted to punch her in the face. -_- There was a couple behind us and we talked to them and wound up going through the buildings with them. Overall it was fun.

Eve was born on Saturday. I'm an aunt! w00t! Here are all the stats.
Oct. 13, 2007 12:07 pm
7 lbs. 7oz.
19 3/4 inches
C-section
Poor Stephanie just wouldn't dilate so they had to do a C-section to get Eve out. That and Eve wasn't in the right position. Isn't she cute! ^_^

We will be going down to visit them on the 26th.

Dad is such a jerk. When we told him Eve was born his response was "Oh. Okay." >_< Then he started complaining about the doctors being impatient about births because she was born C-section. Jerk.

That night Dad and I went to see the opera Madama Butterfly. It was wonderful! It was so SAD though. I think everyone in the audience cried. ;_; I'm glad I wasn't the only one.

Poor Mary. Red died this morning. His intestines were twisted around four times and he was in intense pain, so she made the choice to put him down. It's so sad. Those two were meant for each other. :'(

Fine Print and Copper Pennies

2007-10-03T21:42:00.000-04:00

We didn't have Statistics on Monday and we found out why today at the end of class. He has been sick since the first time he was out and he finally got tired of it and bought extra-strength medicine this morning. Everything was fine until during his Calc. class right before Stats. He started getting all of those symptoms in fine print, but didn't know what was going on since it was so long after he took the medicine. So he went straight to the doctor's, got blood work done and had some x-rays taken. Nothing was wrong, obviously. We don't have class on Friday either, which means I don't have to get up at some hideous hour to get to class on time. XD Yes!

Right now I have a copper penny bandaged to my bee sting. Scott from sculpture class recommended it when I asked for a bee sting remedy. It's supposed to neutralize the venom. Of course it would have worked better if I'd done it right after I got stung, but oh well.

Speaking of sculpture, I really need to figure out what I'm going to do for my furniture project. :/ We'll see what happens.

Fuck Bees

2007-10-01T22:38:00.000-04:00

Ugh. Where do I start? Fuck bees. That's a good start. Yesterday, Sunday, I get home and fall asleep on the couch- I haven't been sleeping well -and Dad wakes me up saying if I just gonna "sit around doing nothing" I should go help Mom stain the deck. Well if I thwarted him at that point, he would yell at me, so I went outside and helped Mom. I wouldn't have minded, except he woke me up to go work. Obviously if I am tired enough to fall asleep on the couch, I shouldn't be working. I showed Mom how we waterproofed the ramps in MI and we got the top deck done pretty quickly. We started working on the lower deck and I noticed a bees' nest under the hot tub. Well, as long as I didn't bother them I would be okay. Yeah. Sure. I swept and, as I was telling Mom the Dane Cook joke about bees, one stung the under/side of my right foot. Fuck bees. So now it stings and itches.

I came close to breaking up with Mike today. He got me angry yesterday during the staining project and he asked me again if I still wanted to go out with him. You would think he would figure out that him asking that just makes me more angry. It's like he has no faith in me or the relationship. So I came close to doing it. I was just about prepared to do it at work, considering how much I think there. But no, we're still together. We'll see how long that lasts.

No school tomorrow! It's a "Professional Day." AKA an in-service day. w00t! I'm thinking about visiting everyone at the high school and seeing how they are doing. We'll see, depending on how long I sleep in... and whether that is good sleep or not. *shrug*

How Dumb am I?

2007-09-29T12:09:00.000-04:00

So a couple things have happened since my last entry. On Tuesday Nate, that guy in the back of my Psych. class, stopped at my desk before class again and when I asked him "what?" he said I get more beautiful every time he sees me. O_O So now I've got two guys in Psych. after me. >_<>_<>_<), and got scratched up because of it. Just the arms this time. I was wearing pants 'cause it was chilly this morning. I will probably go see the band today. It's their home show. We'll see.

DAMN IT!! THE REST OF THIS POST WAS EATEN AGAIN!! It was how I got up at 3 to go to work at 4, got through half a wing and realized I had taken that day off. -_- Hayed, swept, wrote a note on part of a feed bag with a dry erase marker, told Tommy, found out the office had been open, left the note there and left.

I don't remember what else was in here. ;_;

Again.

2007-09-26T12:51:00.001-04:00

Oh man. I just took another Stats test and I did really badly. I studied for it and I though I knew it, but, of course, I blanked out when I sat down to do it. -_- Now I need to start writing my comparison essay for English and type up a few scripts for speech. Stupid commercial speeches...

Not So Dead Bird...

2007-09-24T13:54:00.000-04:00

So I didn't pwn that test in psych. I barely got a B on it. ;( Well, she drops one test grade if we do the project, so as long as I do well on the other tests, I'll be okay.

They liked my hideous monster (as I have taken to calling my Noren sculpture project). I don't know why, although it does make me feel better that people didn't agree with me. I still don't like it, though, so I made a new project in the hour he gave us (which I used most of trying to fix up my noren). I like that one better but I might use it for the jewelry section we are in now. :/ We'll see. I'm thinking about a Kodama bobblehead for the furniture project. XD

Saturday I walked into work and there was a dead Blue Jay in the aisle. *shudder* I would have been alright with it, except it twitched as I walked past it. The way it was... mutilated? Made it look like its sight kept on following me. It reminded me of the eye in Poe's The Telltale Heart. Creepy! So when Andrea came in I told her about the bird and she went over and looked at it. "Huh. It's not dead!" Duh! Didn't I just tell you it twitched? Well, she got rid of it, so it was okay. DX

I have to give a personal experience speech on Wednesday. I'm thinking about using the bird... 'cause I can't think of any others. -_- My life has no interesting stories. Maybe I'll just make one up and pretend it happened. *shrug*

Nervous

2007-09-18T15:34:00.000-04:00

Pysch test in an hour... Sculpture project due tomorrow.

Help.

I so pwned that test! 50 questions, 10 minutes. XD Now I just have to do my sculture project...

Slime, Snails, and Puppy dog tails

2007-09-16T21:31:00.000-04:00

So sick. Must work on sculpture project... study for Psych test... >_< Ugh.

Mike's Dad is in pretty bad condition. He has a heart problem and the medication he used last time started killing his liver too. I hope he gets better.

くそ！

2007-09-14T21:52:00.000-04:00

Uh! Things are so frustrating with Mike. It will seem like he doesn't want me around, but he'll complain as soon as I'm gone that he didn't want me to leave and he really needs me. Well by then I'm keeping sick Sarah company (she's contagious*sniffle*) and I'm not gonna go back because I'm agitated by him. Then, of course, I feel bad so I start to go back to his house but he texts me and says he's somewhere along the train tracks. He says he's doubting our relationship. >_< Conclusion: we need to communicate better.

What am I going to do with my life?! >_< I don't know if I really want to go into Japanese. I think I just got infatuated with it because of Liv's enthusiasm over it. But now I feel like if I don't, I'll be letting her down. くそ！ I hate the fact that I have to figure out what I want to do with my life at age 18. I'm still a kid! How should I know? ;_;

Just kill me now.

Ground Zimbardo

2007-09-12T01:28:00.000-04:00

September 11. Wow, 6 years ago the U.S. got attacked. It doesn't seem like it was that long ago. But when I think about when I heard it, I realize just how long ago it was. I was sitting in Mr. Watson's science class when either the principal or the vice came over the intercom and told us to turn on the TVs. I don't think anyone of us really understood what just happened. That could be a good thing, I guess. It didn't really hit anyone until we fully understood, and by then, we weren't in school so we wouldn't be embarrassed if we broke down. :( Damn. So many people died.

We watched a Phil Zimbardo movie in Psych today. I really wanted to call Mr. Gross and tell him, but I just wrote him an email instead. XD Chris and I went to Subway afterwards and havered (yeah I actually used it X)). I then went to Mike's house and we hung for a while. It, somehow, got pretty heated up, but we didn't do anything.

No work on Friday! w00t!

Frozen Bruises

2007-09-10T22:22:00.000-04:00

I woke up at 4:30 this morning to go to work because I knew none of the horses were going out last night and I didn't know if I had to do both sides or not. Thankfully I didn't and I was able to come home and study for my Stats test, which I think I did well on... Classes went fine. I hung out with Jake Seaman and Jacob Cook during my break after stats and we sat around Jacob's car and listened to Japanese music.

After classes, Mike and I ate at Pizza Hut so Mike could get some food into him before his Java class. We were in the car, pulling out of the lot when we realized we had forgotten our pizza box. -_- So I pulled into a spot and Mike went in to get it. And who walked out of the restaurant to say hi? Tommy. Yeah, that's right. Completely and awesomely unexpected. So Mike finally got to meet him and stuffs, but it was still all good.

I was going to get a fudge sickle out of the freezer and a can of OJ fell on my foot. Can you say 'pain'? I've had ice on it since then and it looks okay. Just like one frozen bruise.

J's Mats

2007-09-09T21:18:00.000-04:00

Ugh. Hard day at work today. I had to fix Jasper's mats. >_< style="font-style: italic;">forever. And Andrea didn't have any help, so I had to do other stuff like top off, hay, and sweep. Oh well.

Life Teen started today. ^_^ There were 6 singers including myself. *_* And a shit load of instruments. We also had a new song that didn't go over too well. Oh well.

I need to help Liv find some stuff for her outfit for Tekko in April. Hey, the sooner to get started on it, the better. I'll be, like, 10 minutes away while I'm at Pitt. X) Happy!

Bed. Work. >_<

Still...?

2007-09-08T18:27:00.000-04:00

Why is it the first half of the wing goes really quickly but the second half takes forever?? Maybe it's because Melissa is there by then... I had to move hay in the rain. >_< Not fun. When I got home, I was so tired I slept on a beach towel on my floor because I didn't want to get the bed covered in hay. Mom asked me later why I didn't just put the towel on the bed. (*_*) Because that would be the smart thing to do, so I didn't think about it. 'Cause I'm dumb.

Mom and I went shopping at Target and I got some more clothes I don't need and a new bathing suit. While I was trying it on, my body suddenly decided I wasn't over being sick, so I had to hurry to the bathroom when I got out. I thought I was done with this! *sigh* Oh well.

Leaky Faucet

2007-09-07T22:05:00.000-04:00

Today wasn't all that exciting. I woke up at 3 and as soon as my head cleared, I got my period. Why went I get it I don't bleed? I leak! It's soo annoying. Literally, I'm like a leaky faucet. -_- Anyway. I didn't sleep very well after that, so I was tired by the time 5 rolled around and I had to get up for work. By then the cramps had set in, so I didn't want to eat anything. I forced down a bowls of Fruitloops and got all but 5 stalls on the left done before Andrea showed up and told me to start cleaning the right. Xþ Well, I got done with enough time to take a shower and gather my things before I took Mike to class. The bum was late. I could have eaten! Instead I bummed some peanut butter Captain Crunch off of him.

Classes were fine. Mike didn't have Trig today so we hung out by the playground during my hour break. We thought about hitting up the home football game, but I decided I didn't want to and fell asleep while Mike stole my internet. We ate dinner (spaghetti!) and hung out until I kicked him out at 20 till 10.

I hate cramps.

Yes! >_<

2007-09-06T18:32:00.000-04:00

This post just got eaten. X( Now I have to retype most of my rant.

K, so Tommy got a new job excavating, so I'm pretty much doing stalls on my own now. >_<

Yeah. Psyc class today. Fun random conversions with Nate and the guy behind me, Chris. Called Puerto Ricans crazy. Said 'hey!' I'm a quarter Puerto Rican. Apologized after class. Asked if he could make it up to me by taking me out. Told him I didn't know how my boyfriend would feel about that. Told him we could do something sometime, though. Didn't hit me until driving home. NORMAL GUY. Holy crap. FINALLY! A normal guy! Besides Mike. Not a Josh, not another Albert, just a normal guy. Yeah. I was excited about that.

Mr. Humphrey came by tonight because he has to go to some place south of the turpike for work. I don't know. But he's sleeping over tonight. I hope I don't wake him in the morning.

Work Dreams

2007-09-05T21:28:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling much better. I didn't get my period today, which is good, I guess. But I have to work every morning from tomorrow through Monday and I really don't want to start getting cramps at work. >_<

Heck, I had a work dream this morning where the right wing was about the size of both put together. The thing was all but, like, five of the stalls were empty so it was really easy. Not to mention, it was about as clean and bright as the wing at SRU. I wish. I think Tommy bought the barn and had Andrea working under him. >) There was a slightly larger girl there that kinda resembled Bergen and had her voice, but it wasn't her. That was sad. I miss Bergen. ;(