Good Karma

Last night I confessed to Alex that I may have a bit of a crush on him. His response was "I had a hunch. And I think I'm developing a crush too."

You know how in the movies when girls are really happy/excited, they bounce around and squeal? I always thought that moment was exaggerated. Now I know it is completely true. Completely and utterly true. I had never felt elation before last night--never had someone I like return the feeling. And until last night, I hadn't known what it was to be so happy that you cried. I was bawling as soon as I was able to sit myself down. It's not entirely based on the fact that I like Alex and Alex likes me (of course I'm saying this with limitations), but on the fact that this is something I've wanted my whole life: to have someone return my feelings. It doesn't matter that absolutely nothing could happen. Our feelings for each other are only in the developing stage, so this could turn into nothing. That doesn't bother me; I've had my moment. And as I always think to myself, things will work out for the best. That's just how it's done.

I told Alex through text, so I didn't get to witness his expression, but he told me about it during our phone conversation that lasted until 5am. He had gone to a metal show with friends and was eating out with them at Denny's. He had been mid-sentence about how fucking hardcore that metal show was when he glanced at his phone, went silent, and turned red. Apparently I made him blush a couple of times last night. God I wish I had been able to see... But apparently his friends kinda prodded him for answers. I wonder if that was the first time they had seen him blush.

There was so much that was said last night that I can't even find what to type here. That boy is so good at flattery, even when he's just telling the facts. He described what my aura looks like to him: light reflecting off of a shallow pool of water. And I told him that his wit, persistence, and intellect were what attracted me to him. Apparently that made him blush as well.

So much, so much! I'm glad I have Alex.

Come find me!

I feel like I've become really close with Alex. We finally got to hang out on the 11th. Julian, Alex, and I went to Squirrel Hill to see District 9. The movie was... interesting. I'm glad I didn't pay full price for it (we saw a matinee), but it doesn't matter because I finally got to hang out with Alex. Since then we have met randomly a few times when he was in Oakland with Julian. It's so interesting that his view of me is a half evil black man with an afro. XD Of course, he pretends to be a hoodlum brother from the ghetto. It's really funny. He is extremely witty and persistent.

We've gotten to talking a lot on AIM and facebook. The other night we had a question/answer session that lasted for a few hours--he now knows more about me than most of my friends do. And yes, I mean that specifically. Perhaps I wouldn't have told him if he hadn't told me his horrible childhood. We have established a relationship where honesty is a given and we will tell each other anything; at least, that's how it feels on my end. He is very sweet for all his evilness.

And he keeps pestering me to join his band in the spring. It wouldn't be hard to say no if he didn't keep reminding me that he has all of the equipment needed to make my cello electric. *drool* And he uses imaging to make me want to do it, too. How does he know my weak spots?! Damn magicians. I finally got to hear him play his guitar last night because he sent me a few clips of him playing from a month ago. I like his style very much. What he sent me was very calming: just what I like.

We must make plans to eat cake and ice cream together!

In other news, I'm being dragged into kendo. Two weeks ago, sensei's wife broke her arm, so he was at home being a good husband, and Genevra was running practice. She had already brought a shinai up for me... so I practiced with them. This week I sat out, but I'm not being given a choice anymore. Also, Jacobson-san and I are now participating in kajukenbo. I brought her to watch on Thursday and we participated this morning. It's a good time. If she continues going, I will as well.

I've been losing weight recently and I don't know why. I suspect it is because I've been eating a lot of rice, but still! I'm below 100lb. in the morning and I only get up to 104lb! This has had an interesting effect on my abs. They are back to where they were when I was working at the horse barn: when I laugh, the outer sides of the top ones fold in a little and they wind up looking bigger and pointier than they are. So weird.

Last Saturday Isaac, Nobu, Paige, Matthew (who was home for the weekend), and I went kayaking and walked around the North Side a bit. It was a really fun time. Matthew will be up again this weekend with Stephanie and Eve, so I'll be going home.

Liv and Harold have become intimate. I have become... a make-out monster with self control. Which of course means I really want to make out with someone but don't have anyone to do it with. Perhaps I just need cuddling.

Anyway, I still need a shower because kaju is quite the workout. Damn iron crosses.

Aye and Huzzah!

I’m all moved into my suite at Pitt! I was a little worried about Deanna and Melanie, but it seems like everything is going to work out great! Melanie is really opening up to us, so I’m hopeful that we will become good friends. So much has happened in the past few days and classes haven’t even started yet.

Friday night Taesoo got really drunk and had a psychotic episode at Genevra’s house, so Saturday morning was spent making sure he was alive and could hold a conversation. He was and he could, so my job was done. I ran into Jacobson-san at the Hillman Library that day, also. It was nice to see her again. If I recall correctly, we are in the same class, so I will be seeing her again on Tuesday! :D

Harold came back to Pittsburgh and we went out to ½ price dinner with him and his brother at Joe Mamma’s. I’m glad he’s finally back. I wanted to give him a much longer hug than he allowed me to. :/ Maybe I’ll be able to get him back soon. I’d really like to spend some time with Harold without Liv. I mean, I like having her around, but Harold was my friend before he was her boyfriend and I miss having that time with him. I’ll probably wind up telling this to her at some point.

Today I went to church with Deanna, who is also Roman Catholic! Huzzah! I have someone to go to church with! Awesome. Soon after church, I was off to the Renaissance Festival with Matt Harrington and we had a marvelous time! I really missed the good-natured atmosphere of Ren Fest. It reminds me entirely too much of Robert. I miss you, Robert!

Lately I’ve been in a very huggy mood. I think it’s partially because I wasn’t able to visit Becky and I had mentally prepared myself for five minute long Lily/Kael hugs. Being deprived of those and late night cuddling (which I probably wouldn’t have gotten anyway) I’ve wanted to be much more affectionate with the people around me. *sigh*

Damn you hope and expectation.

All summer I had wanted to make a trip down to Maryland to visit Becky, Tia, and Rob. I wanted it to be a surprise visit, so I was collaborating with Rob. I guess in the beginning it was kind of a "I have plenty of time" thing, but then I started babysitting and by the time we hit August, it was almost time to go back to Pitt. And my car wasn't passing inspection. I was down to two optional weekends; I was shooting for the first, but just in case, I had the following as backup. The first was a no-go. The car still hadn't passed inspection. The second weekend, the car passed, but Mom decided if I was dead set on going, which I was, I could take her car. This was finalized Friday night, so I would leave in the morning. I sent a text to Rob saying I'd probably be there around 2:30, but half an hour later, I got a call from Tia. Rob had just told her I was coming. They had just picked up Colin (Daiichi) for the weekend.

Plans terminated.

Why do I even try if it concerns Becky? It never works.

This is getting out of hand.

Baffled

Okay this is really odd. And a bit unsettling. So I have this strong interest in Alex... I've mentioned it before, right? But I swear it isn't anything emotional or physical. I just think he's a really interesting person (Genevra claims he has some weird kind of charm). But now all of a sudden, my daydreams are involving him and are platonically romantic, if that makes sense. It's that kiss the back of the hand, stolen kiss kinda thing. But where did this come from?! I mean, I've only met the guy once! Sure I've read his livejournal, but come on! How much stuff doesn't get put in there? Like 95% of it! And these aren't the deliberate, "I wonder what would happen if..." or "What would I do if..." daydreams. These are the unintentional daydream daydreams. These are ones that I snap out of when things get platonically romantic and I beat them back with a stick going WTH? *sigh* What am I to do... And I'm going to meet up with him on August 4th. Somehow I think these daydreams will only get worse. *headdesk*

In other news, Taesoo dumped Genevra on Saturday night. Jerk. But, he said he didn't think she was the one, so I have to identify with him. I only think he is the jerk because he broke up with her through instant messenger and not face-to-face. I visited her yesterday and slept over. It's rather tiring trying to cheer someone up without being overbearing. I think I just wound up being another body in the house. -_-

Nrrr... so tired...

Odd Feelings

They're really odd feelings: knowing a murderer and someone who would not think twice about killing someone who he thought deserved it. I'm talking about Alex and Taesoo. It's even stranger to think that I am trying to get closer to these people. I want to be their friend. In a way it kinda reminds me of Lily's actions toward Kael. She spent all of that time trying to get him to trust her, to accept her as a friend and then something more. And she did all of this knowing that he had killed hundreds of people with his own hands and weapons. I never thought I would be in such a position... it's so very strange. I'm scared of what they are able to do, but I want them to like me, take notice of me. Shouldn't I be doing everything to stay out of their notice? I feel like it'd be playing my own horn, or something of the like, to say that it feels like I'm following Jesus' example. I know that's what I should be doing anyway, so why does it feel weird to say that I'm doing it and proving it with my actions? Weird. This whole thing is just weird.