I'm too worried and nervous right now to write the poem I wanted to create. If all goes well, I will still be able to write the poem without a trace of true sadness.

Good Karma

Last night I confessed to Alex that I may have a bit of a crush on him. His response was "I had a hunch. And I think I'm developing a crush too."

You know how in the movies when girls are really happy/excited, they bounce around and squeal? I always thought that moment was exaggerated. Now I know it is completely true. Completely and utterly true. I had never felt elation before last night--never had someone I like return the feeling. And until last night, I hadn't known what it was to be so happy that you cried. I was bawling as soon as I was able to sit myself down. It's not entirely based on the fact that I like Alex and Alex likes me (of course I'm saying this with limitations), but on the fact that this is something I've wanted my whole life: to have someone return my feelings. It doesn't matter that absolutely nothing could happen. Our feelings for each other are only in the developing stage, so this could turn into nothing. That doesn't bother me; I've had my moment. And as I always think to myself, things will work out for the best. That's just how it's done.

I told Alex through text, so I didn't get to witness his expression, but he told me about it during our phone conversation that lasted until 5am. He had gone to a metal show with friends and was eating out with them at Denny's. He had been mid-sentence about how fucking hardcore that metal show was when he glanced at his phone, went silent, and turned red. Apparently I made him blush a couple of times last night. God I wish I had been able to see... But apparently his friends kinda prodded him for answers. I wonder if that was the first time they had seen him blush.

There was so much that was said last night that I can't even find what to type here. That boy is so good at flattery, even when he's just telling the facts. He described what my aura looks like to him: light reflecting off of a shallow pool of water. And I told him that his wit, persistence, and intellect were what attracted me to him. Apparently that made him blush as well.

So much, so much! I'm glad I have Alex.

Come find me!

I feel like I've become really close with Alex. We finally got to hang out on the 11th. Julian, Alex, and I went to Squirrel Hill to see District 9. The movie was... interesting. I'm glad I didn't pay full price for it (we saw a matinee), but it doesn't matter because I finally got to hang out with Alex. Since then we have met randomly a few times when he was in Oakland with Julian. It's so interesting that his view of me is a half evil black man with an afro. XD Of course, he pretends to be a hoodlum brother from the ghetto. It's really funny. He is extremely witty and persistent.

We've gotten to talking a lot on AIM and facebook. The other night we had a question/answer session that lasted for a few hours--he now knows more about me than most of my friends do. And yes, I mean that specifically. Perhaps I wouldn't have told him if he hadn't told me his horrible childhood. We have established a relationship where honesty is a given and we will tell each other anything; at least, that's how it feels on my end. He is very sweet for all his evilness.

And he keeps pestering me to join his band in the spring. It wouldn't be hard to say no if he didn't keep reminding me that he has all of the equipment needed to make my cello electric. *drool* And he uses imaging to make me want to do it, too. How does he know my weak spots?! Damn magicians. I finally got to hear him play his guitar last night because he sent me a few clips of him playing from a month ago. I like his style very much. What he sent me was very calming: just what I like.

We must make plans to eat cake and ice cream together!

In other news, I'm being dragged into kendo. Two weeks ago, sensei's wife broke her arm, so he was at home being a good husband, and Genevra was running practice. She had already brought a shinai up for me... so I practiced with them. This week I sat out, but I'm not being given a choice anymore. Also, Jacobson-san and I are now participating in kajukenbo. I brought her to watch on Thursday and we participated this morning. It's a good time. If she continues going, I will as well.

I've been losing weight recently and I don't know why. I suspect it is because I've been eating a lot of rice, but still! I'm below 100lb. in the morning and I only get up to 104lb! This has had an interesting effect on my abs. They are back to where they were when I was working at the horse barn: when I laugh, the outer sides of the top ones fold in a little and they wind up looking bigger and pointier than they are. So weird.

Last Saturday Isaac, Nobu, Paige, Matthew (who was home for the weekend), and I went kayaking and walked around the North Side a bit. It was a really fun time. Matthew will be up again this weekend with Stephanie and Eve, so I'll be going home.

Liv and Harold have become intimate. I have become... a make-out monster with self control. Which of course means I really want to make out with someone but don't have anyone to do it with. Perhaps I just need cuddling.

Anyway, I still need a shower because kaju is quite the workout. Damn iron crosses.