Breathless

I... um... Oh...

Dammit, Julian! Stop looking at me like that! *cries*

I can't get that image out of my head, that conversation after Alex got on the bus. When I couldn't form words besides "I'm sorry," and when I finally could, they were jumbled and stuttered. That conversation that had us both in tears and me hyperventilating later that night, over and over again. It is against my nature to be this selfish. It is against who I am to hurt a friend like this.

I can't do anything that doesn't hurt others.

Disowned

Genevra has officially disowned me. She no longer considers me a friend and has even un-friended me on facebook. I do not understand what I did that was so wrong that she has gone this far.

I will not hope for her to reply. I will not wait for her to reply. I will not expect her to reply. I won't... but I will.

Boyfriend

*grin* I have a boyfriend. His name is Alex. I love him. <3

*flail*

What The Hell...?

There must just be something about me. Maybe I really have used up all of my good karma. For this to happen twice?? Do my friends not want me at their weddings?

Becky is now Rebecca Weiskind-Dey. I don't know when she got married. Is this why none of them ever wrote back to me? Why Becky never thanked me for the birthday present? What does it mean that she didn't tell me about this? Did she get pregnant and decide to get married right away? Does she not consider me someone worth telling this to? Am I a half-forgotten remnant of her past: someone you forget to tell things to simply because you forget to?

?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Balance

Has it really only been a little over a week? It feels like it's has been double that amount of time, at least. On the date of my last entry, Alex did battle with a troll under one of the bridges in Schenley Park and survived, thank God. Before he did that, though, he took me to dinner at Lulu's Noodles and put an enchantment on my ring. The enchantment protects my thoughts from those who would read them and, considering he cannot look in on me when I am wearing the ring, I can assume it protects me in general from that sort of thing. It will also turn the ring black if Alex dies. I will not remove the ring until the enchantment wears off at the end of three weeks or if he asks me to remove it. After dinner we strolled to the bridge and the pond where we had romantic and worrisome conversations. That was a night I will never forget. It is poem worthy and the next time my fingers decide poetry is the way to go, that will be the night it is based on. Until then, I will hold it close to me.

*grin* I went on a date Monday night. *broader grin* With Alex. Wah! it's so crazy! Have I finally gone insane and am just imagining him? But seriously, though, I must have cashed in an embarrassment of good karma for him to have appeared. It's just ridiculous how close to my ideal he is. Take a moment to compare him to Kael. Yeah. CRAZY. So about that date... :D That was my first date outside of a relationship, so it was quite the event for me. He said he likes long skirts, so I was going to wear my black pencil skirt, but I didn't have a date-worthy shirt here. I went to Rue 21 in between classes to find one, but they didn't have any that would work with the skirt, so I wound up buying a dress and stockings instead. He liked it. ^_^

First we went back to the bridge and the pond to see them in the daylight. No trains decided to attack us this time. XD He made me pick where we were going out to dinner, so I decided on Bangkok Balcony in Squirrel Hill (Sukuaru Hiru no Bankoku Barukoni ni simasita). When we left the park, we took a different route that led us up to a playground... which we proceeded to play on. Yay merry-go-rounds!! Aw, so much fun. Dinner was delicious and dessert at Coldstone was thanks to Alex's mom who found out he had a date from his brother. Hehe. It was still early after all of that, so we went to a movie, Zombieland, which turned out to be really funny. ...That's the first time I've ever kissed someone in a movie theater. :DDDDDDDD Afterward we decided to go back to Oakland and walk around for a while. We wound up back in Schenley Park, on Flagstaff Hill this time, and had more romantic conversation. He taught me how to waltz; He bestowed upon me seven of his thirty kisses; He gave me warm hugs; He touched me with magic. Is there anything missing here?

Oh but there is. The amount of good karma I have used in gaining Alex has left me without enough to keep Genevra or Mike, or so it seems as of now. Genevra is pissed that I "blew her off" and didn't mention that the friend I was going to dinner with was Alex. Mike sat next to me yesterday when I was waiting for a hug from Alex. He told me he wants me back and says if I start dating Alex, he will lose all respect for me. Without respect there can't be friendship. He sent me a text later that said "It might end up being a bye." This last part didn't hit me until this morning. I wasn't able to go to Japanese because I couldn't stop crying. The highlight of my day was a fortune cookie that said "A friend is a present you give yourself" and a picture of Alex with a kitty that he sent me soon after I got the fortune.

Throw me into the ocean
where I will float as I drown.