Sunday, August 1, 2010

Pursuing what is expected

My professors have started posting the books we will need for the new semester, and it just doesn't seem... correct, somehow. I have one more year of university life left for me, but I feel like I've already dropped into finding a real job and wanting to think about my first apartment even though I can't because of not having that real job yet. O_O Going back to Pitt for classes now just seems surreal.

Harold is in Japan now, and Liv will be there in less than two months. It feels like they are pursuing their dreams while I am pursuing what is expected of me. In these moments I really loathe the chance I was denied of going to Japan for a semester. One could argue that I still have that chance. I could go in the spring. But not only would that cause complications with my graduation, I would be getting out into the job market a semester later than the rest of my graduating class, which is quite the disadvantage it seems. One could also argue that it doesn't matter when precisely I enter the job market because jobs are opening and closing at their own leisure. While this is true, more jobs are made available in that spring/summer time frame because employers know there will be new graduates looking for a job. Besides, getting out there beyond on time just doesn't sit well with me.

All of this adds up to a rather annoying feeling which I cannot even begin to name. Like being smart enough and competent enough to move on to the next grade but being held back for a year. Like when you are trying to run in your dreams, but your legs will only move in slow motion.

It could be that thing feeling is spurring on by getting a job at Walmart. This is a menial job, but I get paid and I get taxed like a real job. Up until now, I've been working for private owners and getting paid under the table. The new arrangements conjure different thought processes and emotions.

At the same time I don't feel like I am doing this because it is what is expected, but because it is what needs to be done. To support my creative boyfriend I will need to provide extra income and save for hard times. Besides, what would I do with all of that free time? So there is a bit of plain desire to have a steady job. I just hope I can find one where I will actually be happy going to work.

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