さあああああ。。。

Genevra has amazing dreams; I've been reading them as she posts them. She told me the other night that I appear in them. That simple sentence brought my need back to the surface. Or rather, it brought it to my attention again. I forget if I've written about it in here before or not... I'm so concerned, or rather, I constantly wonder how people see me. In this case, how does Genevra see me? It feels like with one glance she can see everything about me, except maybe for that one thing... So how will I be in her dream? Will I be on the side of good or the side of bad? Maybe a spy? Hopefully a spy for the good... Or a healer...? But she already pointed out Mallory who is a healer in the dream, so probably not. Genevra went back to her camp where all of the people she loved where and I was not there. Yeah...

I have way too much homework to be typing this now...

Stress to Stressless

So these last few days have been absolutely horrible. There are the problems with Liv and Harold, I told Liv, I had a big test last night in Marketing Fundamentals, and Mike and I had a fight on Tuesday.

I kept on getting interrupted while trying to study for the test, so I wound up staying up until 6am the night before just trying to get it done.

The fight with Mike was, of course, about him telling Adam. Mike called himself "terrible" and I playfully agreed. Apparently it didn't sound playful because Mike thought I was serious and asked me why I thought he was terrible. Obviously, I only have the one reason, so that's what I told him. I got upset because I brought it up again, but what am I gonna do? I'm not gonna lie to him, and if I don't say anything, he's just gonna drag it out of me anyway because that's what he does. He doesn't understand that some things are just better left unsaid.

After the test yesterday, things got better. The test was over, so I didn't have to stress about that. I had planned on going to the buy part of Liv's b-day present right after the test because the store stays open until 8 on Wednesdays, and I decided to call Harold to see if he wanted to come. He wasn't up to anything, so I met him at his アパート and we went to get the present. We started talking about relationships and all of my random thought processes. He was very surprised that I'm not physically attracted to anyone and that I've never had a legitimate crush. I thought maybe Min, but I'm not physically attracted to him. I think I think about him so much because he was the friendship that got away. I dont' think I've ever had a situation where I wanted a friendship and the other person didn't. Anyway, we wound up going back to his place and watched a bunch of random YouTube videos and gave each other massages while folding his laundry and putting it away. XD We talked about the problems and the stress I've been having and I feel a lot better now. He's super curious about my secret, though. He can't figure out what would be so bad that Liv's reaction was what it was. I want to tell him, but he hasn't earned his place and I don't think he knows me well enough to understand the impact that it's had on everyone else. But I feel like I can tell him. I want to tell him, but I won't.

On a happier note, today is Mike's birthday and I'm going home tomorrow! Mike got an HD TV from his parents for his birthday and I'm giving him a nice fountain pen and, if I can find one tomorrow, a new watch. I ordered a magnetic pendullum thingy for him because I wasn't sure if I'd be able to find a watch. Having his birthday and Valentine's Day right by each other is really annoying. I have to come up with more presents than normal. ><

I kinda want to start back up with martial arts again. Thanks Harold. ^_^; He was doing a couple of moves and it got me wanting to do it again. Maybe I'll ask him if he'll be my sensei for a while. XD

Finished

I told Liv. She knows. I should have waited. She has too much on her mind right now as it is. Maybe I should have waited it see if she and Harold worked out. If it didn't, I could have used this to distract her... but what emotion is she feeling right now? I didn't want to make her sad. I think I did. She only looked me in the eye twice after I told her. But that was twice more than I expected. She hugged me and told me it shouldn't have happened to me. Not me. I love you, Liv, but I am strong. I've been handling this my entire life. It is no longer a burden to me. I don't want it to be a burden for you. It's not something you should have to carry.

I'm sorry. Forgive me.

*faints in happiness*

OMG OMG OMG!!!! It's been so long since I've been this happy! Liv and Harold made out!! For two hours!!!!!! With breaks, of course, BUT STILL!! XDDDDDDDD At one point he had his hand on the clasp of her bra and he asked "Ii desu ka?" She wound up saying "Dame," but OMG WOW! And she danced for him! And with him! And they grinded! My heart is beating so fast! And she told me more than an hour ago! Just the thought of it...! I want to break Harold's hand. Liv has finally had a good experience with a guy. And he's ASIAN, which doesn't really matter, but it's still a plus! AOIUHWENVOWEHGSKJ023RHASDVLP0W34'SALGJ0Q4HKJSANDV8Q39GNS!!!11!!!!1!!! I don't know what else to say... I'm speachless! It's all just happy feelings!

My heart is overflowing. ^_^ <3