Black Lotus

It seems like time just isn't right recently. I've been with Alex for a little over two months now, but it feels like we've been together for so much longer than that. Almost four months ago, Alex and I went to Lu Lu's Noodles and walked to Schenley Park. That night Alex would almost die while fighting the troll (that damn troll). I feel like we've been through so much already that it couldn't have possibly been just two months, or four depending on which way you are counting.

Last night Alex and I retraced our footsteps that night in Schenley Park. I think we'll do it every season until we can do it only once a year, remembering the night that really set our relationship into motion.

Yesterday Alex brought me my first bouquet of flowers:


He said he got them for me simply because he loves me. Each of the eleven roses he picked out by hand and arranged around the lily that he had to send an employee to the back to retrieve. This, of course, makes me feel girly and swept off my feet. I don't particularly mind the feeling. ^_^

Cantabile

I've been watching Nodame Cantabile recently and on some points I really feel like I identify with Nodame. She attends a music school for piano but she wants to be a kindergarten teacher. Everyone keeps telling her that she has so much talent and that she should strive to be a professional piano player, but if her dream is to be a teacher, why must she? The boy she likes, Chiaki, wants to be a conductor and is constantly berating her for wasting her talent. Every time Alex says I should do something and I tell him I'm not good enough his response is "because you don't practice." Every time he says that it kinda hurts. Like he is berating me for wasting my life. I know if I wanted to be a professional cello player, for example, I could become good enough to at least be part of a good orchestra, but I don't have any desire for that. I love music and art, but they are only hobbies to me. They are just things I enjoy doing in my spare time. I don't think I should be yelled at because it is not something I want to do with my life. But then I think about all of the people who wish they had my talent but don't, and I feel horrible. I feel that stab that makes me want to cry. And I just want to forget about it.

And, of course, that leads me to thinking about my future and lack of initiative. Do I even want to go to Japan? I've never been one who was really into traveling... Am I secretly hoping Mom tells me not to go even if I get in? If I didn't have Liv and her ambitions, would I have any of my own? I'm sure I would, but picturing life without her, I feel like I wouldn't have any at all. I suppose my ideal future has always been to just be happy. I never cared what it was I would be doing with my life or what hobbies I would have. The only picture I ever had of my future was of a small garden full of flowers surrounded by green grass. Nothing else. No thought of a job, no thought of a family or friends, nothing besides that garden. It isn't even a full image. I can't see beyond the tops of the flowers. Is the sky blue? Are there any clouds? I think so because of the vibrant colors of the petals that only appear in the sunlight.

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be here... like this isn't the right place or the right time. But I don't feel like I should be somewhere else either. There isn't a place for me. I'm not right. I wonder if some of the people who commit suicide have thoughts like these. Probably, right?

Fringe

For all of my practice and desire to be good with words, I know that I am not. To be able to properly express myself... to finally be able to portray my emotions to others and have them understand... I know this will never happen. I wish I could just stamp my emotions on a page and give them to the people I try to communicate with. "This!" I would shove it in their faces in frustration. "This is what I am experiencing!" Oh how simple that would make everything. They would touch the paper and know, and everything could finally carry on.

My self esteem has been pretty low lately. Ever since Alex told me I have ADD. He was joking, but what I was describing described ADD perfectly. I don't know why this has resurfaced the low self esteem, but it has. It makes me want to forget that I have any talent in anything. I don't have talent in anything. I can't play the cello. I don't even know how to hold the bow. The piano? What are these black and white things? Singing? My voice isn't programmed for that. Don't be silly. There isn't a scrap of creativity in my head. Why would anyone want me for anything? I'm not a good friend, a good student, a good girlfriend, a good catholic, a good person, a good human. The only thing that I can do right is give hugs. And really, what kind of skill is that?

Tonight I went to International Guitar Night at Duquesne. This was the opening piece: Fringe Hinge by Brian Gore. There were three other guitar players. Itamar Erez's style combined Arabic sounds with Judaic. He even had to add extra frets to his guitar to get the right notes. Stephen Bennett played slide guitar and harp guitar, although he didn't utilize the harp as much as I thought he should have. The last, Lulo Reinhardt, who plays gypsy jazz and flamenco, added an interesting contrast to the other players. They all played individually at first and then played together in groups for the rest of the show, which lasted a little over 2 1/2 hours. I had hoped to bring Alex with me, but alas, he had to work and couldn't switch shifts. I posted a plea on facebook, but the only person who responded was Scott, but he obviously couldn't come, being in Georgia and all. So I wound up going by myself. I really enjoyed the show, but I really wish someone would have come with me. It was lonely.

Alex was supposed to come over tonight, even if he couldn't come to the show, but he wasn't able to get a ride. There are no classes tomorrow because of MLKJ Day, so he says he'll be able to come. I hope so.