Cantabile

I've been watching Nodame Cantabile recently and on some points I really feel like I identify with Nodame. She attends a music school for piano but she wants to be a kindergarten teacher. Everyone keeps telling her that she has so much talent and that she should strive to be a professional piano player, but if her dream is to be a teacher, why must she? The boy she likes, Chiaki, wants to be a conductor and is constantly berating her for wasting her talent. Every time Alex says I should do something and I tell him I'm not good enough his response is "because you don't practice." Every time he says that it kinda hurts. Like he is berating me for wasting my life. I know if I wanted to be a professional cello player, for example, I could become good enough to at least be part of a good orchestra, but I don't have any desire for that. I love music and art, but they are only hobbies to me. They are just things I enjoy doing in my spare time. I don't think I should be yelled at because it is not something I want to do with my life. But then I think about all of the people who wish they had my talent but don't, and I feel horrible. I feel that stab that makes me want to cry. And I just want to forget about it.

And, of course, that leads me to thinking about my future and lack of initiative. Do I even want to go to Japan? I've never been one who was really into traveling... Am I secretly hoping Mom tells me not to go even if I get in? If I didn't have Liv and her ambitions, would I have any of my own? I'm sure I would, but picturing life without her, I feel like I wouldn't have any at all. I suppose my ideal future has always been to just be happy. I never cared what it was I would be doing with my life or what hobbies I would have. The only picture I ever had of my future was of a small garden full of flowers surrounded by green grass. Nothing else. No thought of a job, no thought of a family or friends, nothing besides that garden. It isn't even a full image. I can't see beyond the tops of the flowers. Is the sky blue? Are there any clouds? I think so because of the vibrant colors of the petals that only appear in the sunlight.

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be here... like this isn't the right place or the right time. But I don't feel like I should be somewhere else either. There isn't a place for me. I'm not right. I wonder if some of the people who commit suicide have thoughts like these. Probably, right?