Solutions

I've figured it out! I don't have feelings for Min, Matt, or Keer. Problem solved. Or so it feels, anyway. With that part out of the way, it's so much easier to look at everything else.

I saw Mike on Sunday for the first time in a long while. For the first bit of our reunion, everything was strange and awkward, but then we went geocaching and things got better quickly. He acted so much differently! Almost like a guy! It was strange, but he actually did things that reminded me of what Keer does, like randomly running his nails down my arm. I was like "Woah! He's never done stuff like this before!... Yay!" It was nice. I hope he continues being more himself.

I'm gonna do a movie madness weekend with Keer starting Friday night. Mike isn't too happy about it, but after I told him I don't have feelings for Keer, he's been more cooperative. It's one of those things where he doesn't want to tell me I can't, but he wants me to come to that conclusion. Heh. Not gonna happen. I enjoy my time with Keer. He's fun and I can be completely and utterly open with him. No false words. None at all. It's great. It is tiring, though. Keer has high expectations of his friends, so I'm constantly watching my actions and monitoring what specifics I give out about me. And there are topics where we clash, like with religion. He's one of those "prove it and I'll believe it" people, so I have to watch my religion talk. There's other stuff, but you get the point.

So yeah. I still don't know my feelings about Mike, but I do know about the other ones, so that's a start, at least. I think Mike and I will be okay. I do feel really pressured every time he says "I love you" because that's such a heavy thing for me. Practically the equivalent of saying I want to marry y0u. He tried to explain that for him it wasn't that heavy, but he didn't do a very good job of it. At first I seemed to understand that it was "I love you more than a friend, but not enough to consider marrying you," but he screwed it up and said "but it might be enough to get engaged." Ugh. I think all this stuff is happening/happened because of the pressure. I think I need some non-relationship time, but then again, I think I'm a bad girlfriend anyway, so I should just be single with a close guy friend. I think I'd be happiest in that relationship. But of course, Mike doesn't want that, so...

Mike asked, so I truthfully told him that yes, I snuggle with Keer and we sleep in the same bed when I sleep over there. Needless to say, he was not happy about it, and I can see why he wouldn't be happy, but he needs to learn to see things from my point of view. I don't attach gender to friendship, so if I can snuggle with Liv, why can't I snuggle with Keer? Isaac would say it's dangerous and would give Keer the wrong idea, but Keer and I have established all those things. He knows I only do it as a friend, and even though he likes me, he's not going to try to woo me or anything. He'll let me go to him if that's what I want.

I'm almost getting discouraged about talking with others about heavy stuff like this. Not because I feel awkward or like I'm burdening them, but because I've already considered all of the feedback they give me. Besides me saying everything out loud, I'm not really getting anything out of it. *shrug* I guess I've just figured out how to think from many different angles, so I almost know everything to be considered. Wow. Check out that ego. Ugh.

On a completely different note, I have WAY too much stuff. I was watching a home improvement show on HGTV and they said that we only use 20% of the things we own. It's so true. I don't know if they were counting decorations or anything, but I still have way too much stuff. And clothes, omg. I was content with the amount I had at college and now I come back and I have so many clothes! I went through them once already, but I'm gonna go through them again to weed out even more. As for my room, I'm slowly working my way around it, dusting, throwing stuff away, basically a hard-core cleaning. The garbage man comes tonight, so I need to get a move on and get at least most of it done. C>(-_-) (That's a puff sigh. Yay for new emoticons.)

It's Raining Men

Oh man, I don't even know where to start with this one. -_- So it seems like ever since the Min thing and I started doubting my relationship with Mike, God has been throwing guys at me. It kinda feels like He's been the little brother who wants to play with his big sibling. Once the sibling agrees, He wants to play everything 'cause he finally got what he wanted. So my translation: He's been wanting me to give up on Mike and now that I'm doubting, He's been showing me all these options. Kinda like "Oh! Here's a guy! And here's another! Don't forget about this one!" o_O Min was obviously the first.

Second, not quite so surprising, was Matt Harrington. Somehow I'd forgotten the fact that Matt likes me. Or maybe it was because I never thought Matt actually liked me. He slept over Saturday night because he had some type of mini convention down by the airport and Sunday (April 20) was his birthday so his parents were taking him to Nakama. The night before he came, though, he kept on saying stuff about what his perfect girl is like and how he let her slip through his fingers. *sigh* It was a fun weekend overall. We went to Lulu's Noodles Saturday night, he fell asleep on the floor at about 10:30, I couldn't sleep because of my cough, so I actually wound up sleeping in the closet (o_O), Sunday we ventured around the Carnegie museums and in the basement where Matt worked over the summer, met up with his parents and went to dinner at Nakama (Mmm... Chicken Diablo...) and had a jolly ol' time.

Third is Keer. Yes, Keer. I started talking to him over AIM not too long ago and then got to see him at Tekko. He's been considering getting hormones, but is iffy about it right now. He's giving himself a year to research and consider and all that jazz. Anyway, we had fun for the short amount of time we got to see each other. In fact, I wound up spending Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights with him. In his comfy closet. Watching movies and having good conversations. It turns out that Keer likes me. Yeah. And he has lots of standards, man. She's got to cuddle, be intelligent, mature, good looking, ugh... there's more, but I can't remember them right now. He said it's hard to find someone who fits all the criteria. He's found me and this other girl KT who is a year younger than me. Actually, he isn't sure if I fit the "intelligent" category yet, but that's only because we haven't really done anything that would show him that I am intelligent, or, intelligent enough for him. *shrug*

So yes, it's frickin' raining men.

Sorry, WHAT?

So, I wound up spilling everything I was thinking to Mike last night even though I wanted to wait to make sure those were my real emotions. Or at least until we were face to face. Jerk. )X I still don't know whether I should break up with him or not.... I'm leaning toward yes. Of course he tells me this: "I haven't fully been myself for this relationship." Sorry, WHAT? So, if you don't mind me asking, who have I been dating for 10 months?! Ugh! wtf. >_> And at some point he was babbling on about how he thinks this has been a really good relationship, but I wouldn't know because I haven't dated anyone else. Excuse me? Is that permission to break up with you? 'Cause I'll take it. Bastard. How about, he said he was probably pretending to be depressed the first time we dated so I would pay attention to him. Just...! Just... AHASRHLAIDHV;UIARSDFJSN8WY[10YF

No pink eye, thank God. It's just part of the cold. -_-

More later, I'm sure.

*cries*

DAMN IT!! WTFUCKKK?!?!!?! THIS WEEK SUCKS!!! *cries*

I got a 54 on my Business Calc test, I'm really sick, and I think I have pink eye. ;_;

:fork:

So now I'm really confused about my feelings. I was talking to Rika about it and I came to the conclusion Mike doesn't really make me happy. I'm content while I'm with him, but it's not the same thing. It still feels like he's a friend with benefits over a boyfriend. And it drives me crazy that he doesn't make me feel any better about myself. He doesn't make me feel worse, but that's not the kind of relationship I want. I want to feel good about myself and be able to make the other person feel good about their self, too. I don't know if I do that with Mike.

If I wasn't so sick, I'd bang my head of the wall.

I have e-mails going back and forth with Min now. We've only had two legit. ones, so we'll see where it goes. I'll save them for reference.

Tekko Drama

I have come to the conclusion I have low self esteem. How did I come to this? Tekko weekend spelled it out for me.

Sara drove me out Friday at about 3:30ish and it took us quite a while to get there despite it being only a 10 min. drive. Stupid traffic. Once I got there, the first thing I did was go visit Robert. ^_^ Oh how I've missed that man. Here is case 1 for my conclusion. Yes, Robert is charismatic, but he makes me feel really good about myself. He likes to take pictures of me (naughty and otherwise) and is actually really sweet, despite him being a lech. He laughs and counters my witty remarks and we can flirt and taunt each other without actually meaning any of it. It's all in good fun.

Case 2: Min Win. I met Min Friday night after seeing Robert while I was looking for people I knew. Min is one of the sword dealers along with his big, black, awesome friend Xavier. Min was really nice and talked with me for a minute or two every time I walked by. Min is a Vietnamese photographer from southern California.So he was cute, Asian, really nice, and it seemed like he wanted to be my friend. Who could resist? Not me, obviously. So I kept on seeing him and talking to him every time I passed by. Saturday he asked if I wanted to hang out when he got off at 7. Of course I did. I was excited because I had made a new friend. I could tell he was flirting with me a little, but it didn't bother me because it reminded me of how Robert and I flirt. He was calling a lot a girls "babe." Harmless, meaningless. I didn't actually go through this thought process. If I had, I would have kicked myself for being dumb. Obviously he was flirting for real. Why didn't I get this?! Ugh!

Anyway. I was hanging out with Liv, Alex Caruso, and Jake Seamon at the time he actually got off, which was 7:30ish because he had to help clean up and stuffs. I forget how we made it to Artist's Alley and why, but it all worked out 'cause he didn't have the chance to look around earlier. He bought a few jewelry piece and two 2' long foam pieces of Pocky. One chocolate, one strawberry. He gave me the strawberry one. Of course I resisted, but he wouldn't take it, so now I have an uber awesome Pocky plushy. ^_^

Moving on, all of us went to the little pizza palor the hotel had (Min invited them to come even though I think he didn't really want to. maybe it was a plot to impress me. it worked.) and Min paid for mine and Liv's food. Jerk. ^_^ Of course, I slipped some money into his pants pocket, so really I paid for mine at least. I found it attractive that he also paid for Liv's food because in the short time he had seen us together, he knew how close we were. It's like that Spice Girls song: "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends." or at least try to be friends. While we were in line, he did what Robert does, to some extent. He countered my wit. Not all the time. Sometimes he just laughed, which made me feel good anyway.

Mike doesn't do that type of stuff. He rarely laughs at my wit, which makes me think I'm not witty until I do it around other people. It's almost like a way of putting me down, even though I know he doesn't mean it or even do it on purpose. And Min was more outgoing that Mike is. I'm an extrovert, I need other extroverts. Being around intros for a long time drives me crazy! And unfortunately, Mike is a very intro intro.

Actually this topic came up briefly at dinner. Liv did a mini rant on passive people and I said "like my boyfriend." Apparently Min didn't catch this. Too bad, I said it on purpose, too. That caused some problems.

Liv and I went to the Asian boy bands panel when we finished and Sarah and Jesyrae got out of line just in time to take our seats. Sad face. I haven't seen Sarah in a while. Anyway, I didn't really want to go to the panel, I wanted to spend time with Min, but Liv had been having a lot of drama (drunk guys hitting on her) and she needed my company. Min and I made a date to dance at the rave and we left.

Panel was boring, I went to chance into my rave outfit. The line for the rave was HUGE. It went from the ballroom all the way back to Artist's Ally, which was at the complete opposite end of the hotel. Luckily, I spotted Elyssa and Ray in line across from the bar, so I snuck in with them. Sarah and Jessy eventually joined us. There was a max limit of people for the rave, but they nixed that after a while. It was so hot and sweaty in there. So much fun. Unfortunately, Min got stuck working AGAIN. He was selling fake rose buds, shinies, and glowsticks at a table in the back. He gave free roses to me and Liv. ^_^ There was drama involving Liv and Lief, but overall everything was fun. Min even asked me if I wanted to hang out after the dance. ^_^

It was nearing 2am and Min finally got off for a few minutes to dance with me. All I have to say is damn. He's an awesome dancer. I was having a lot of fun until he kissed the back of my neck. Then I reiterated and said "You do know I have a boyfriend..." He heard me this time and immediately backed off. More like stopped dance and backed off a yard. I was immediately sad because it was then I made the connection between how he was acting and what he meant. I told him that didn't mean I wanted him to stop dancing with me. He continued, but he was a lot more hesitant and danced with Liv more than me. Pretty soon Min had to start cleaning up and he left without a word.

With the connection of action and thought finally making sense in my brain, I figured he didn't want to hang out with me after the rave anymore. I asked just to make sure. He needed to think about it. ;_; Time for questions: did this mean he had planned on making out with me? If I wasn't dating Mike, would I? If none of that stuff with Mike had happened, would I? I'm leaning toward yes on all of those.

The rave would be ending soon, so I went to get my things. On the way back, Min was pushing his cart of merch. down the hall. I gave him a weak smile and he pulled over. After a couple stumbled sentences he asked me "What do you want?" Oh that horrid question. There are so many possible meanings to it. So many. Of course the one that stood out was "What do you want from me?" which must be the worst of all readings of that phrase. I was so shocked I asked "What do you mean?" He said to forget it and gave me an excuse as to why he couldn't hang out. Obviously it was because I'm taken.

I felt wretched. Absolutely putrid. I talked with Jake about my naivety on the way back to the suite and he analyzed some of the things I did that would have given Min the wrong impression. I suck. Why can't I control my signals? Heck, I don't even know which signals are doing it! I wish I did know so I could control them. I still felt like shit for leading him on. I really like him. So, I decided to write him an apology, which I did the next morning. I would have just said it, but they tend to have a lot of customers, so I figured written was better. He could read it when he had the time.

In the mean time, I avoided the dealer's room and went to Artists Alley for a hopeful pick-me-up from Robert. He can always make me smile, even if it is evilly. Unfortunately, Robert felt I was looming after a few minutes... he gave me to really weird look when I asked him how he first got into art. Maybe I'll ask what that look meant... Anyway, I took it as my cue to leave, so I decided I had given Min enough time to read and headed toward the Dealer's Room.

The first thing he said was "I'm not good with letters. If you have something you want to say, then just tell me." Thanks for the confidence boost. -_- I basically reiterated what was in the letter, pretty much. I'm sorry, I didn't even realize I was leading you on, I'm naive like that, you're an amazing guy, if I wasn't dating, etc. I think he pretty much forgave me, but I still felt absolutely horrible about it. It was about time for me to get my things and meet up with Jon and Gen to go back to Pitt, so I visited Robert one last time to get my things. I'd given him a mini "I'm feeling bad" rant earlier, so he gave me a big hug before I left.

Ever since I left Min, I'd been on the edge of tears. I just felt so bad about what happened. That's what I really care about. I don't allow myself to hurt people unless it's with honesty, and even then I don't like to do it. If they're hurt, I feel like I've failed my life's goal to make the people around me happy. Which I have.

I met up with Jon and Gen, but they said the shuttle wouldn't be there until 2. They decided to walk around the Dealer's Room. I followed, but I hid from Min because I felt so bad and I didn't want to wind up saying anything wrong, or even giving him a bad look; whether that's a smile or a blank look, I don't know. Thankfully, Min's table is at the very beginning of the room, so once I passed him the first time, I was good.

We left and lounged in the bar area to wait and noticed a shuttle outside. We went out and asked if he was going to the airport; he was, so he took us and canceled out 2pm ride. Waiting around in a mini skirt when it was in the low 40s or less is not fun.

I tend to be detail oriented in some aspects of life and not in others. I am when it comes to smells. When Min and I were dancing, I couldn't help but notice. I couldn't place it at the time, but once I got off the bus and was walking back to the dorm, I knew what it was: city. He smelled like the city. Of course this didn't help since smell is the sense most closely time to memory.

So yeah. Dropped my stuff on the floor, cried for bit, finally fell asleep, got up, took a shower, went to church, came back, cried some more, and cleaned up the room. Now not only do I have a cold and runny nose, I also have a headache from crying, which has yet to go away. I'm completely exhausted from the drama and from the lack of good sleep (thank you freezing rooms, cold, hard floors, and a thin blanket).

I'd go to bed, but I'm sending this entry to Mike and he'll want to talk about it. He's mad I pose for Robert. How dumb. I mean, I'm not doing any harm, and to fit with the journal theme, it boosts my low self esteem levels. Ugh. Anyway, I'm done here.

Lying Cheater with Herpes

Geez, this is SO weird... I found Isaac's online journal and it just happens to be a blogspot journal. What a coincidence. I stumbled upon it when I went to check my email and stuffs. He had the journal update page up with some "material" typed. He only has four or five entries, but I decided to be the snoop little sister and read it. It's online, so it's up there for the whole web to see. If he didn't want anyone (me) to find it, he should have just written a normal journal. Even if I found that, I wouldn't have read it 'cause I would have known he didn't want anyone to see it.

I guess that means I secretly want someone I know to find this journal... Yeah. I do. But I'm not going to tell anyone.

Back to Isaac, it turns out he's a PUA--a pick up artist. I kinda went SDLFKV MNOQ8UR WHAT?! He's using his talents for evil!! Evil!! *sigh* Poor Nobu. I can't tell for sure, but I think he's cheated on her (sex?)... and one of the entries said "I have not been sooo unfaithful." But then he was like "Why cant she accept that i want to better myself!" And I went "YOU FRICKIN' CHEATED ON HER, JERKOFF!!" DX I mean, really! Is he that dumb that he wouldn't understand why she would be upset?! From how it sounds, she doesn't know about it, but can guess.

Ugh. I mean, I feel jealous when Mike spends a lot a time with Amy 'cause it always sounds like he has more fun with her than he does with me. But to have him cheat on me? I'd feel like shit! Like I wasn't even close to good enough for him. Like I was just someone to fill his time when Amy wasn't available.

Come on, Isaac! Get with the program! Girls are more in-tune with their feelings than guys are. That means something that would hurt you, hurts us twice as much! We don't just think on it; we dwell on it. It's like a broken record that just keeps on going.

Ugh. Just... ugh. He likes the PUA lifestyle because he gets validation out of it. You can get validation out of ANYTHING! Not just picking up chicks. You can use your powers of manipulation for good, too! Do the same thing to make friends instead of get chicks. You have a girlfriend whom you want to marry. You should not be doing ANYTHING with ANY girl other than Nobu.

You're a liar, a cheater, and I wouldn't be surprised if you have herpes. Thank you Dane. Goodnight.