Sara drove me out Friday at about 3:30ish and it took us quite a while to get there despite it being only a 10 min. drive. Stupid traffic. Once I got there, the first thing I did was go visit Robert. ^_^ Oh how I've missed that man. Here is case 1 for my conclusion. Yes, Robert is charismatic, but he makes me feel really good about myself. He likes to take pictures of me (naughty and otherwise) and is actually really sweet, despite him being a lech. He laughs and counters my witty remarks and we can flirt and taunt each other without actually meaning any of it. It's all in good fun.
Case 2: Min Win. I met Min Friday night after seeing Robert while I was looking for people I knew. Min is one of the sword dealers along with his big, black, awesome friend Xavier. Min was really nice and talked with me for a minute or two every time I walked by. Min is a Vietnamese photographer from southern California.
So he was cute, Asian, really nice, and it seemed like he wanted to be my friend. Who could resist? Not me, obviously. So I kept on seeing him and talking to him every time I passed by. Saturday he asked if I wanted to hang out when he got off at 7. Of course I did. I was excited because I had made a new friend. I could tell he was flirting with me a little, but it didn't bother me because it reminded me of how Robert and I flirt. He was calling a lot a girls "babe." Harmless, meaningless. I didn't actually go through this thought process. If I had, I would have kicked myself for being dumb. Obviously he was flirting for real. Why didn't I get this?! Ugh!Anyway. I was hanging out with Liv, Alex Caruso, and Jake Seamon at the time he actually got off, which was 7:30ish because he had to help clean up and stuffs. I forget how we made it to Artist's Alley and why, but it all worked out 'cause he didn't have the chance to look around earlier. He bought a few jewelry piece and two 2' long foam pieces of Pocky. One chocolate, one strawberry. He gave me the strawberry one. Of course I resisted, but he wouldn't take it, so now I have an uber awesome Pocky plushy. ^_^
Moving on, all of us went to the little pizza palor the hotel had (Min invited them to come even though I think he didn't really want to. maybe it was a plot to impress me. it worked.) and Min paid for mine and Liv's food. Jerk. ^_^ Of course, I slipped some money into his pants pocket, so really I paid for mine at least. I found it attractive that he also paid for Liv's food because in the short time he had seen us together, he knew how close we were. It's like that Spice Girls song: "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends." or at least try to be friends. While we were in line, he did what Robert does, to some extent. He countered my wit. Not all the time. Sometimes he just laughed, which made me feel good anyway.
Mike doesn't do that type of stuff. He rarely laughs at my wit, which makes me think I'm not witty until I do it around other people. It's almost like a way of putting me down, even though I know he doesn't mean it or even do it on purpose. And Min was more outgoing that Mike is. I'm an extrovert, I need other extroverts. Being around intros for a long time drives me crazy! And unfortunately, Mike is a very intro intro.
Actually this topic came up briefly at dinner. Liv did a mini rant on passive people and I said "like my boyfriend." Apparently Min didn't catch this. Too bad, I said it on purpose, too. That caused some problems.
Liv and I went to the Asian boy bands panel when we finished and Sarah and Jesyrae got out of line just in time to take our seats. Sad face. I haven't seen Sarah in a while. Anyway, I didn't really want to go to the panel, I wanted to spend time with Min, but Liv had been having a lot of drama (drunk guys hitting on her) and she needed my company. Min and I made a date to dance at the rave and we left.
Panel was boring, I went to chance into my rave outfit. The line for the rave was HUGE. It went from the ballroom all the way back to Artist's Ally, which was at the complete opposite end of the hotel. Luckily, I spotted Elyssa and Ray in line across from the bar, so I snuck in with them. Sarah and Jessy eventually joined us. There was a max limit of people for the rave, but they nixed that after a while. It was so hot and sweaty in there. So much fun. Unfortunately, Min got stuck working AGAIN. He was selling fake rose buds, shinies, and glowsticks at a table in the back. He gave free roses to me and Liv. ^_^ There was drama involving Liv and Lief, but overall everything was fun. Min even asked me if I wanted to hang out after the dance. ^_^
It was nearing 2am and Min finally got off for a few minutes to dance with me. All I have to say is damn. He's an awesome dancer. I was having a lot of fun until he kissed the back of my neck. Then I reiterated and said "You do know I have a boyfriend..." He heard me this time and immediately backed off. More like stopped dance and backed off a yard. I was immediately sad because it was then I made the connection between how he was acting and what he meant. I told him that didn't mean I wanted him to stop dancing with me. He continued, but he was a lot more hesitant and danced with Liv more than me. Pretty soon Min had to start cleaning up and he left without a word.
With the connection of action and thought finally making sense in my brain, I figured he didn't want to hang out with me after the rave anymore. I asked just to make sure. He needed to think about it. ;_; Time for questions: did this mean he had planned on making out with me? If I wasn't dating Mike, would I? If none of that stuff with Mike had happened, would I? I'm leaning toward yes on all of those.
The rave would be ending soon, so I went to get my things. On the way back, Min was pushing his cart of merch. down the hall. I gave him a weak smile and he pulled over. After a couple stumbled sentences he asked me "What do you want?" Oh that horrid question. There are so many possible meanings to it. So many. Of course the one that stood out was "What do you want from me?" which must be the worst of all readings of that phrase. I was so shocked I asked "What do you mean?" He said to forget it and gave me an excuse as to why he couldn't hang out. Obviously it was because I'm taken.
I felt wretched. Absolutely putrid. I talked with Jake about my naivety on the way back to the suite and he analyzed some of the things I did that would have given Min the wrong impression. I suck. Why can't I control my signals? Heck, I don't even know which signals are doing it! I wish I did know so I could control them. I still felt like shit for leading him on. I really like him. So, I decided to write him an apology, which I did the next morning. I would have just said it, but they tend to have a lot of customers, so I figured written was better. He could read it when he had the time.
In the mean time, I avoided the dealer's room and went to Artists Alley for a hopeful pick-me-up from Robert. He can always make me smile, even if it is evilly. Unfortunately, Robert felt I was looming after a few minutes... he gave me to really weird look when I asked him how he first got into art. Maybe I'll ask what that look meant... Anyway, I took it as my cue to leave, so I decided I had given Min enough time to read and headed toward the Dealer's Room.
The first thing he said was "I'm not good with letters. If you have something you want to say, then just tell me." Thanks for the confidence boost. -_- I basically reiterated what was in the letter, pretty much. I'm sorry, I didn't even realize I was leading you on, I'm naive like that, you're an amazing guy, if I wasn't dating, etc. I think he pretty much forgave me, but I still felt absolutely horrible about it. It was about time for me to get my things and meet up with Jon and Gen to go back to Pitt, so I visited Robert one last time to get my things. I'd given him a mini "I'm feeling bad" rant earlier, so he gave me a big hug before I left.
Ever since I left Min, I'd been on the edge of tears. I just felt so bad about what happened. That's what I really care about. I don't allow myself to hurt people unless it's with honesty, and even then I don't like to do it. If they're hurt, I feel like I've failed my life's goal to make the people around me happy. Which I have.
I met up with Jon and Gen, but they said the shuttle wouldn't be there until 2. They decided to walk around the Dealer's Room. I followed, but I hid from Min because I felt so bad and I didn't want to wind up saying anything wrong, or even giving him a bad look; whether that's a smile or a blank look, I don't know. Thankfully, Min's table is at the very beginning of the room, so once I passed him the first time, I was good.
We left and lounged in the bar area to wait and noticed a shuttle outside. We went out and asked if he was going to the airport; he was, so he took us and canceled out 2pm ride. Waiting around in a mini skirt when it was in the low 40s or less is not fun.
I tend to be detail oriented in some aspects of life and not in others. I am when it comes to smells. When Min and I were dancing, I couldn't help but notice. I couldn't place it at the time, but once I got off the bus and was walking back to the dorm, I knew what it was: city. He smelled like the city. Of course this didn't help since smell is the sense most closely time to memory.
So yeah. Dropped my stuff on the floor, cried for bit, finally fell asleep, got up, took a shower, went to church, came back, cried some more, and cleaned up the room. Now not only do I have a cold and runny nose, I also have a headache from crying, which has yet to go away. I'm completely exhausted from the drama and from the lack of good sleep (thank you freezing rooms, cold, hard floors, and a thin blanket).
I'd go to bed, but I'm sending this entry to Mike and he'll want to talk about it. He's mad I pose for Robert. How dumb. I mean, I'm not doing any harm, and to fit with the journal theme, it boosts my low self esteem levels. Ugh. Anyway, I'm done here.
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