Solutions

I've figured it out! I don't have feelings for Min, Matt, or Keer. Problem solved. Or so it feels, anyway. With that part out of the way, it's so much easier to look at everything else.

I saw Mike on Sunday for the first time in a long while. For the first bit of our reunion, everything was strange and awkward, but then we went geocaching and things got better quickly. He acted so much differently! Almost like a guy! It was strange, but he actually did things that reminded me of what Keer does, like randomly running his nails down my arm. I was like "Woah! He's never done stuff like this before!... Yay!" It was nice. I hope he continues being more himself.

I'm gonna do a movie madness weekend with Keer starting Friday night. Mike isn't too happy about it, but after I told him I don't have feelings for Keer, he's been more cooperative. It's one of those things where he doesn't want to tell me I can't, but he wants me to come to that conclusion. Heh. Not gonna happen. I enjoy my time with Keer. He's fun and I can be completely and utterly open with him. No false words. None at all. It's great. It is tiring, though. Keer has high expectations of his friends, so I'm constantly watching my actions and monitoring what specifics I give out about me. And there are topics where we clash, like with religion. He's one of those "prove it and I'll believe it" people, so I have to watch my religion talk. There's other stuff, but you get the point.

So yeah. I still don't know my feelings about Mike, but I do know about the other ones, so that's a start, at least. I think Mike and I will be okay. I do feel really pressured every time he says "I love you" because that's such a heavy thing for me. Practically the equivalent of saying I want to marry y0u. He tried to explain that for him it wasn't that heavy, but he didn't do a very good job of it. At first I seemed to understand that it was "I love you more than a friend, but not enough to consider marrying you," but he screwed it up and said "but it might be enough to get engaged." Ugh. I think all this stuff is happening/happened because of the pressure. I think I need some non-relationship time, but then again, I think I'm a bad girlfriend anyway, so I should just be single with a close guy friend. I think I'd be happiest in that relationship. But of course, Mike doesn't want that, so...

Mike asked, so I truthfully told him that yes, I snuggle with Keer and we sleep in the same bed when I sleep over there. Needless to say, he was not happy about it, and I can see why he wouldn't be happy, but he needs to learn to see things from my point of view. I don't attach gender to friendship, so if I can snuggle with Liv, why can't I snuggle with Keer? Isaac would say it's dangerous and would give Keer the wrong idea, but Keer and I have established all those things. He knows I only do it as a friend, and even though he likes me, he's not going to try to woo me or anything. He'll let me go to him if that's what I want.

I'm almost getting discouraged about talking with others about heavy stuff like this. Not because I feel awkward or like I'm burdening them, but because I've already considered all of the feedback they give me. Besides me saying everything out loud, I'm not really getting anything out of it. *shrug* I guess I've just figured out how to think from many different angles, so I almost know everything to be considered. Wow. Check out that ego. Ugh.

On a completely different note, I have WAY too much stuff. I was watching a home improvement show on HGTV and they said that we only use 20% of the things we own. It's so true. I don't know if they were counting decorations or anything, but I still have way too much stuff. And clothes, omg. I was content with the amount I had at college and now I come back and I have so many clothes! I went through them once already, but I'm gonna go through them again to weed out even more. As for my room, I'm slowly working my way around it, dusting, throwing stuff away, basically a hard-core cleaning. The garbage man comes tonight, so I need to get a move on and get at least most of it done. C>(-_-) (That's a puff sigh. Yay for new emoticons.)