Quick Update

The semester is over! Huzzah! And I got my grades back... lame. B+ in Japanese?! So angry. It's only because I had a fever for almost a week and wasn't allowed to go to class. TT^TT But. Now that's over with.

Break has been pretty good so far. Stephanie, Matthew, and Eve came up for a few days and we had Christmas on Monday. Everyone seemed to like the gifts that I gave to them and I liked all of my gifts.

I went to Alex's house for the first time last night. I was ssoooooo nervous, but it went well. His parents and brother seem to like me. And the kitties certainly do, especially Eevee. Dinner was delicious and a fun time. Alex's scarf came in the mail just before I was going to leave, so I was able to give it to him. He was so happy. ^_^ Hopefully he will be able to come over here some time next week.

The stress of meeting his parents held a cold mostly at bay, and now that I'm not stressed anymore, it's hit me head on. It really is just a cold, though, so it's alright.

Maybe more details later.

体が悪いよ。

Ha... well let's see. Aunt Chris broke her leg. Her and Uncle John were riding the motorcycle when a six-point buck jumped into the side of them. She broke a lot of her lower leg and there was a good bit of damage done to the bike, but at least the buck died. Somehow Uncle John was able to keep the bike upright. No one knows how. But. Our plan was to go bring them Thanksgiving dinner.

Everyone except for me left the Tuesday before break. I didn't know this, but it worked out well because I was having Alex sleep over. He's now a very happy Alex.

Thanksgiving was overall alright. It was just Uncle John, Aunt Chris, Uncle Eddy, Mom, and me, so it was pretty boring for me. I needed to write a few papers over break, one of which I spent Saturday in the dorm doing.

I went back home Sunday morning because UN Methodist on Airport Rd was holding a small concert and they wanted us to be a part of it. It was the Mos, Mrs. Roos, Josephine, Chelsea, and me. It was only two songs, but it was pretty fun. We were at the very end of the program, and, not to be egotistical, but we were probably the best there. Of course, we had Josephine, so that's not hard to do.

I've been sick all week. I had a nice fever from Monday night to Thursday, so with the exception of Monday, I didn't go to any classes this week. Japanese is going to suck when I get back to it on Monday... Alex kept me company a lot of the time this week. <3 He has started giving me my gifts for Christmas: "Urawaza," a fun book full of tips and tricks from Japan, a Sun Jar that catches the sun for me, a baby polar bear stuffed animal that he won at a carnival on Duquesne campus, and my new cello bow!! Everything is awesome. You know, besides still being sick.

I've also started giving Alex his gifts. The first one was the pair of gloves because we were talking about how he needs them. I hid them in his pocket when he was in the bathroom. When he found them, he was speechless and soooo red. <3 Next was his wallet because he yet again really needed them. He is so happy with it, and it's a good thing I gave it to him when I did because his old wallet fell into two pieces in his bag a day later. o_O The most recent one was the journal he was eyeing at the bookstore that he decided against buying. Apparently he had regretted not buying it a little bit, so now everything is good. I can't wait to give him his final gift!! I'm so excited for it!

So how about Mom and Dad are on a cruise right now. Yeah, they're off to the Bahamas for a day. They flew down on Wednesday to see Aunt Jan and they stayed the night there before the launch in Ft. Lauderdale. Luckies. I hope they're having a good time.

Hopeless

Leah, what do you think you are doing? You know you can't allow yourself to look forward to anything. You know you shouldn't hope. You know what happens when you do. How many times do you have to cry because you let yourself hope before you realize just how hopeless everything really is?

Home

I'm home for the weekend and it is sooooo nice. To have the comforting smells of home, the same creaky house noises, my own bed. The water is sweeter here. I can take a bath when I want to or hop into the hot tub (before it gets shut down for the winter). I have my Sadie to pick up and hug and kiss until she is annoyed with me. Or pet her on those rare occasions she decides to sit on my lap. My piano is here with all of my music. My mom is here.

I enjoy my life at college. I love learning so many new things and meeting new people. But there really isn't any place like home.

Breathless

I... um... Oh...

Dammit, Julian! Stop looking at me like that! *cries*

I can't get that image out of my head, that conversation after Alex got on the bus. When I couldn't form words besides "I'm sorry," and when I finally could, they were jumbled and stuttered. That conversation that had us both in tears and me hyperventilating later that night, over and over again. It is against my nature to be this selfish. It is against who I am to hurt a friend like this.

I can't do anything that doesn't hurt others.

Disowned

Genevra has officially disowned me. She no longer considers me a friend and has even un-friended me on facebook. I do not understand what I did that was so wrong that she has gone this far.

I will not hope for her to reply. I will not wait for her to reply. I will not expect her to reply. I won't... but I will.

Boyfriend

*grin* I have a boyfriend. His name is Alex. I love him. <3

*flail*

What The Hell...?

There must just be something about me. Maybe I really have used up all of my good karma. For this to happen twice?? Do my friends not want me at their weddings?

Becky is now Rebecca Weiskind-Dey. I don't know when she got married. Is this why none of them ever wrote back to me? Why Becky never thanked me for the birthday present? What does it mean that she didn't tell me about this? Did she get pregnant and decide to get married right away? Does she not consider me someone worth telling this to? Am I a half-forgotten remnant of her past: someone you forget to tell things to simply because you forget to?

?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Balance

Has it really only been a little over a week? It feels like it's has been double that amount of time, at least. On the date of my last entry, Alex did battle with a troll under one of the bridges in Schenley Park and survived, thank God. Before he did that, though, he took me to dinner at Lulu's Noodles and put an enchantment on my ring. The enchantment protects my thoughts from those who would read them and, considering he cannot look in on me when I am wearing the ring, I can assume it protects me in general from that sort of thing. It will also turn the ring black if Alex dies. I will not remove the ring until the enchantment wears off at the end of three weeks or if he asks me to remove it. After dinner we strolled to the bridge and the pond where we had romantic and worrisome conversations. That was a night I will never forget. It is poem worthy and the next time my fingers decide poetry is the way to go, that will be the night it is based on. Until then, I will hold it close to me.

*grin* I went on a date Monday night. *broader grin* With Alex. Wah! it's so crazy! Have I finally gone insane and am just imagining him? But seriously, though, I must have cashed in an embarrassment of good karma for him to have appeared. It's just ridiculous how close to my ideal he is. Take a moment to compare him to Kael. Yeah. CRAZY. So about that date... :D That was my first date outside of a relationship, so it was quite the event for me. He said he likes long skirts, so I was going to wear my black pencil skirt, but I didn't have a date-worthy shirt here. I went to Rue 21 in between classes to find one, but they didn't have any that would work with the skirt, so I wound up buying a dress and stockings instead. He liked it. ^_^

First we went back to the bridge and the pond to see them in the daylight. No trains decided to attack us this time. XD He made me pick where we were going out to dinner, so I decided on Bangkok Balcony in Squirrel Hill (Sukuaru Hiru no Bankoku Barukoni ni simasita). When we left the park, we took a different route that led us up to a playground... which we proceeded to play on. Yay merry-go-rounds!! Aw, so much fun. Dinner was delicious and dessert at Coldstone was thanks to Alex's mom who found out he had a date from his brother. Hehe. It was still early after all of that, so we went to a movie, Zombieland, which turned out to be really funny. ...That's the first time I've ever kissed someone in a movie theater. :DDDDDDDD Afterward we decided to go back to Oakland and walk around for a while. We wound up back in Schenley Park, on Flagstaff Hill this time, and had more romantic conversation. He taught me how to waltz; He bestowed upon me seven of his thirty kisses; He gave me warm hugs; He touched me with magic. Is there anything missing here?

Oh but there is. The amount of good karma I have used in gaining Alex has left me without enough to keep Genevra or Mike, or so it seems as of now. Genevra is pissed that I "blew her off" and didn't mention that the friend I was going to dinner with was Alex. Mike sat next to me yesterday when I was waiting for a hug from Alex. He told me he wants me back and says if I start dating Alex, he will lose all respect for me. Without respect there can't be friendship. He sent me a text later that said "It might end up being a bye." This last part didn't hit me until this morning. I wasn't able to go to Japanese because I couldn't stop crying. The highlight of my day was a fortune cookie that said "A friend is a present you give yourself" and a picture of Alex with a kitty that he sent me soon after I got the fortune.

Throw me into the ocean
where I will float as I drown.

I'm too worried and nervous right now to write the poem I wanted to create. If all goes well, I will still be able to write the poem without a trace of true sadness.

Good Karma

Last night I confessed to Alex that I may have a bit of a crush on him. His response was "I had a hunch. And I think I'm developing a crush too."

You know how in the movies when girls are really happy/excited, they bounce around and squeal? I always thought that moment was exaggerated. Now I know it is completely true. Completely and utterly true. I had never felt elation before last night--never had someone I like return the feeling. And until last night, I hadn't known what it was to be so happy that you cried. I was bawling as soon as I was able to sit myself down. It's not entirely based on the fact that I like Alex and Alex likes me (of course I'm saying this with limitations), but on the fact that this is something I've wanted my whole life: to have someone return my feelings. It doesn't matter that absolutely nothing could happen. Our feelings for each other are only in the developing stage, so this could turn into nothing. That doesn't bother me; I've had my moment. And as I always think to myself, things will work out for the best. That's just how it's done.

I told Alex through text, so I didn't get to witness his expression, but he told me about it during our phone conversation that lasted until 5am. He had gone to a metal show with friends and was eating out with them at Denny's. He had been mid-sentence about how fucking hardcore that metal show was when he glanced at his phone, went silent, and turned red. Apparently I made him blush a couple of times last night. God I wish I had been able to see... But apparently his friends kinda prodded him for answers. I wonder if that was the first time they had seen him blush.

There was so much that was said last night that I can't even find what to type here. That boy is so good at flattery, even when he's just telling the facts. He described what my aura looks like to him: light reflecting off of a shallow pool of water. And I told him that his wit, persistence, and intellect were what attracted me to him. Apparently that made him blush as well.

So much, so much! I'm glad I have Alex.

Come find me!

I feel like I've become really close with Alex. We finally got to hang out on the 11th. Julian, Alex, and I went to Squirrel Hill to see District 9. The movie was... interesting. I'm glad I didn't pay full price for it (we saw a matinee), but it doesn't matter because I finally got to hang out with Alex. Since then we have met randomly a few times when he was in Oakland with Julian. It's so interesting that his view of me is a half evil black man with an afro. XD Of course, he pretends to be a hoodlum brother from the ghetto. It's really funny. He is extremely witty and persistent.

We've gotten to talking a lot on AIM and facebook. The other night we had a question/answer session that lasted for a few hours--he now knows more about me than most of my friends do. And yes, I mean that specifically. Perhaps I wouldn't have told him if he hadn't told me his horrible childhood. We have established a relationship where honesty is a given and we will tell each other anything; at least, that's how it feels on my end. He is very sweet for all his evilness.

And he keeps pestering me to join his band in the spring. It wouldn't be hard to say no if he didn't keep reminding me that he has all of the equipment needed to make my cello electric. *drool* And he uses imaging to make me want to do it, too. How does he know my weak spots?! Damn magicians. I finally got to hear him play his guitar last night because he sent me a few clips of him playing from a month ago. I like his style very much. What he sent me was very calming: just what I like.

We must make plans to eat cake and ice cream together!

In other news, I'm being dragged into kendo. Two weeks ago, sensei's wife broke her arm, so he was at home being a good husband, and Genevra was running practice. She had already brought a shinai up for me... so I practiced with them. This week I sat out, but I'm not being given a choice anymore. Also, Jacobson-san and I are now participating in kajukenbo. I brought her to watch on Thursday and we participated this morning. It's a good time. If she continues going, I will as well.

I've been losing weight recently and I don't know why. I suspect it is because I've been eating a lot of rice, but still! I'm below 100lb. in the morning and I only get up to 104lb! This has had an interesting effect on my abs. They are back to where they were when I was working at the horse barn: when I laugh, the outer sides of the top ones fold in a little and they wind up looking bigger and pointier than they are. So weird.

Last Saturday Isaac, Nobu, Paige, Matthew (who was home for the weekend), and I went kayaking and walked around the North Side a bit. It was a really fun time. Matthew will be up again this weekend with Stephanie and Eve, so I'll be going home.

Liv and Harold have become intimate. I have become... a make-out monster with self control. Which of course means I really want to make out with someone but don't have anyone to do it with. Perhaps I just need cuddling.

Anyway, I still need a shower because kaju is quite the workout. Damn iron crosses.

Aye and Huzzah!

I’m all moved into my suite at Pitt! I was a little worried about Deanna and Melanie, but it seems like everything is going to work out great! Melanie is really opening up to us, so I’m hopeful that we will become good friends. So much has happened in the past few days and classes haven’t even started yet.

Friday night Taesoo got really drunk and had a psychotic episode at Genevra’s house, so Saturday morning was spent making sure he was alive and could hold a conversation. He was and he could, so my job was done. I ran into Jacobson-san at the Hillman Library that day, also. It was nice to see her again. If I recall correctly, we are in the same class, so I will be seeing her again on Tuesday! :D

Harold came back to Pittsburgh and we went out to ½ price dinner with him and his brother at Joe Mamma’s. I’m glad he’s finally back. I wanted to give him a much longer hug than he allowed me to. :/ Maybe I’ll be able to get him back soon. I’d really like to spend some time with Harold without Liv. I mean, I like having her around, but Harold was my friend before he was her boyfriend and I miss having that time with him. I’ll probably wind up telling this to her at some point.

Today I went to church with Deanna, who is also Roman Catholic! Huzzah! I have someone to go to church with! Awesome. Soon after church, I was off to the Renaissance Festival with Matt Harrington and we had a marvelous time! I really missed the good-natured atmosphere of Ren Fest. It reminds me entirely too much of Robert. I miss you, Robert!

Lately I’ve been in a very huggy mood. I think it’s partially because I wasn’t able to visit Becky and I had mentally prepared myself for five minute long Lily/Kael hugs. Being deprived of those and late night cuddling (which I probably wouldn’t have gotten anyway) I’ve wanted to be much more affectionate with the people around me. *sigh*

Damn you hope and expectation.

All summer I had wanted to make a trip down to Maryland to visit Becky, Tia, and Rob. I wanted it to be a surprise visit, so I was collaborating with Rob. I guess in the beginning it was kind of a "I have plenty of time" thing, but then I started babysitting and by the time we hit August, it was almost time to go back to Pitt. And my car wasn't passing inspection. I was down to two optional weekends; I was shooting for the first, but just in case, I had the following as backup. The first was a no-go. The car still hadn't passed inspection. The second weekend, the car passed, but Mom decided if I was dead set on going, which I was, I could take her car. This was finalized Friday night, so I would leave in the morning. I sent a text to Rob saying I'd probably be there around 2:30, but half an hour later, I got a call from Tia. Rob had just told her I was coming. They had just picked up Colin (Daiichi) for the weekend.

Plans terminated.

Why do I even try if it concerns Becky? It never works.

This is getting out of hand.

Baffled

Okay this is really odd. And a bit unsettling. So I have this strong interest in Alex... I've mentioned it before, right? But I swear it isn't anything emotional or physical. I just think he's a really interesting person (Genevra claims he has some weird kind of charm). But now all of a sudden, my daydreams are involving him and are platonically romantic, if that makes sense. It's that kiss the back of the hand, stolen kiss kinda thing. But where did this come from?! I mean, I've only met the guy once! Sure I've read his livejournal, but come on! How much stuff doesn't get put in there? Like 95% of it! And these aren't the deliberate, "I wonder what would happen if..." or "What would I do if..." daydreams. These are the unintentional daydream daydreams. These are ones that I snap out of when things get platonically romantic and I beat them back with a stick going WTH? *sigh* What am I to do... And I'm going to meet up with him on August 4th. Somehow I think these daydreams will only get worse. *headdesk*

In other news, Taesoo dumped Genevra on Saturday night. Jerk. But, he said he didn't think she was the one, so I have to identify with him. I only think he is the jerk because he broke up with her through instant messenger and not face-to-face. I visited her yesterday and slept over. It's rather tiring trying to cheer someone up without being overbearing. I think I just wound up being another body in the house. -_-

Nrrr... so tired...

Odd Feelings

They're really odd feelings: knowing a murderer and someone who would not think twice about killing someone who he thought deserved it. I'm talking about Alex and Taesoo. It's even stranger to think that I am trying to get closer to these people. I want to be their friend. In a way it kinda reminds me of Lily's actions toward Kael. She spent all of that time trying to get him to trust her, to accept her as a friend and then something more. And she did all of this knowing that he had killed hundreds of people with his own hands and weapons. I never thought I would be in such a position... it's so very strange. I'm scared of what they are able to do, but I want them to like me, take notice of me. Shouldn't I be doing everything to stay out of their notice? I feel like it'd be playing my own horn, or something of the like, to say that it feels like I'm following Jesus' example. I know that's what I should be doing anyway, so why does it feel weird to say that I'm doing it and proving it with my actions? Weird. This whole thing is just weird.

Lots and Lots

Let's see if I can recall all of the main happenings.

My last post neglected the mention anything about Tekkoshocon this year. Basically what happened was I avoided Min until the very last day, Mike and I fought, and to top it off, Robert wasn't there. For the Min portion, just before I left on the last day, I decided that I was being completely pathetic. I walked up to him and said hello. Seeing him and talking to him was such a relief. It made me wish I had done it earlier, but it was probably for the best that I didn't--the whole Mike thing and all. I think for the most part, our fight was about trust. I don't remember what was said, but I know it started on Friday before I even went to Tekko. Maybe it was because he didn't have a place to stay, so he wanted to sleep in his car. In Pittsburgh. I wouldn't have it. We both wound up sleeping at Genevra's on Friday night and he went home Saturday night while I stayed in a hotel room with some of the other girls. I guess he didn't realize that Sunday didn't last for very long, and by the time he said he was ready to come, we were ready to leave. So he didn't come, and that's probably why I was able to talk to Min. Genevra's kendo team had a demonstration on Saturday and it was fantastic. ^_^ Robert not being there was a huge let down. I think it is his presence that gives me half of my Tekko energy. I missed him so.

The next big event was Ormond Beach, FL. I went down there with Mike and his mom and on the way back, Mike and I stopped at Matthew's house for a the night. At this point I was seriously considering breaking up with him, so I told him that I wanted that week to be an observation on my part. I wanted to objectively consider whether or not I wanted to be with him anymore. I wanted to have fun with him. The only thing he wanted to talk about was our relationship. And because I didn't want to talk about it at all, every time he brought it up, I get really angry. Finally in the last hour or so our our car ride home (his mom was staying with a friend in FL for the next week), he decided to give it one last go. And that was what it was. I decided to break up with him after he admitted that he had been destroying the relationship. Of course, that wording makes it sound like he was doing it on purpose. He wasn't, but he had just realized that that is what he had been doing. All of his doubting was him distancing himself from me and poisoning the relationship. On May 20, I told him I was done. And so now I am single. Oh, and no longer a virgin. I've been popped, interestingly enough.

Here's a good one. On Father's Day, Dad walked out of the house to get dinner by himself as we were making dinner for him. His excuse later that night was that he was trying to nap because he hadn't slept the night before (complete lie--we were staying in a hotel room for Amanda's wedding and I clearly heard him snoring) and that he heard "banging"--all noise must be "banging" to him--which was us making dinner. I told him that his behavior was unacceptable and please don't do it again. He said if he had said that to his father, he would be picking himself up off the floor. "I noticed," was my response. After him trying to choke me when I had defended Mom, I really wouldn't be surprised if he had gotten beaten around as a kid. So. After he left I shook and cried with rage and hatred. I wanted to scream so badly, but I could only make tea kettle noises if I didn't want him to come back. That was a horrible night.

I have a job now. I'm watching Kim Anna's son David and her friend's son Matt. Really I'm just chauffeuring them around. Mostly to Hartwood Acres to run and to the Hampton pool. I am so tan right now. And the money is really decent too. For three days, one of which I'm watching Matt, I receive around $175. She compensates me for gas (woot!).

So Mom and I have sanded, stained, and refinished the hardwood floors in the living and dining rooms. And we've painted the living room. The past few days were spent cutting and placing the new base boards while Dad was away at Eric's (Greenwood) graduation. All that's left is for them to be tacked in. Oh and on Saturday we power washed the living room carpet. Not as much fun as it sounds, but certainly fun to say.

I've been sick for almost a week now. It started on Wednesday with a high fever and when that went away, it turned into sinus and chest congestion. I've been living with that for most of the time, but this morning I woke up with pinkeye. I've been taking the leftover drops from the last time we thought I had pinkeye (it turned out my eyes just loathe Opti-Free contact lens solution). It's gotten much better since then. I'll be going to the doctor's in the morning to get checked out, regardless.

Yesterday I picked up Taesoo from the bus station. (Genevra was in NYC for a kendo tournament.) Taesoo is Genevra's maybe new boyfriend. I'll wait until she changes her facebook status or until she tells me to be certain about that. He's a 5th degree black belt in Taekwondo from Korea who has spent the past few years of his life being a chef in Boston. They met on OkCupid and have been talking for at least a month now, and he's been out here once before. For the week before I was to retrieve him, he was completely out of contact with Genevra. When he finally sent her an email, it was only five lines long. Three of which were apologies. Apparently he had gotten into a fight and, here is a speculation on our parts, was put in jail for a few days. I'm sure Genevra knows the truth of what happened by now--she's been home since early this morning. Anyway, just to be safe, I brought Alice Lai and Rachel Giovenco with me since they were in Pittsburgh for the Japanese Intensive summer program (and Harold is in Kutztown with Liv). We got something to eat and brought Taesoo to Genevra's because he hadn't slept the night before. We left him to sleep (after I delivered the promise slap for Genevra) and did some shopping at the Lotus Korean food store and and Tokyo Japanese Food Store. After that we went back to their dorm rooms and watched some DBSK. I went to church because I couldn't stop coughing that morning, and I headed home.

I think that's pretty much all I have to say besides complaining about being sick.

Lies. I do have more.

I've figured out what a girlfriend is supposed to feel when her boyfriend doesn't call for a few days. It's twitchy. Partly worried, partly defensive, partly angry, wholly wondering. But of course I only figure this out now. Tch. It's only been a day, but Genevra hasn't spoken to me since they started their trip home from the NYC kendo tournament. I know she got back alright even though she didn't text me when she got home. I stayed up until about 3:30am waiting for her to sign on to AIM, but she never did. She posted a facebook status this morning, though, saying that she will now sleep for a week. But still, I want to hear from her. I left Chocolate Clouds on her kitchen table and two skirts and new flip flops in her room. Not to mention the boy I left sleeping in her bed. You'd think she'd send a quick "thank you," at least. But I must be patient. There is no reason for me to feel this way.

Mysterious

STUPID MYSTERY!! STUPID POWER OF MYSTERY!! -_-

What I'm going on about it how interesting Alex is to me. And possibly attractive. Not in the physical sense, obviously. I've only seen him in person once. o_O I know of the danger that would come with being around him and the possibilities of what could happen. I know he's killed someone. I know he is "damaged." I know of what he is involved with that his lips become burned every Halloween. Truthfully it scares me a bit. Probably more than a bit. But it's so interesting! Maybe I like being scared. Maybe I like my heart racing and feeling like horrible things could happen at any moment--that it is more likely to happen because we are talking about it. And maybe I like that he's taken enough interest in me that he has promised my safety if ever I pass through his home. And I feel like that protection extends to if ever I am in his presence. It makes me think of Genevra's dream and the power he held there. It also makes me think of my feelings for Josh... although Alex is much more intense than Josh was.

But this is just me thinking too much. I know it is. But that doesn't mean I can stop at will.

Okay. Very attractive.

Every Single Step of the Way

Lots of posts! ^_^ Ano... So I got to hang out with Genevra today after Brain and Behavior. It was a gorgeous day, so we lied down in Schenley Plaza and she tanned while I read for Special Topics in Mass Communication. But we also got to talk a bit. I told her about Harold petting my hair last night (but not about him trying to figure out my scent) and she told me that Harold had been interested in a threesome with her and me. *shock* (What's with people wanting me to be in threesomes???) She said she didn't know if he wanted me in there because it was me or because it'd be his chance with two girls at once. I'd say it's because of the two girl thing, but then why would he have been petting my hair? SO CONFUSING!! Maybe I shouldn't have told him I might have a crush on him. It's probably affecting his actions. Hmmm....

So, I might wind up going to Genevra's tonight too. I have to write 1/2 - 1 paper for Mass Comm tomorrow morning, but I need the other half (hopefully) from my ばか partner. And I need to take a shower. If I finish everything by 9 or 10 I'll probably head over there. And I'm sure we'll talk about this whole Harold thing more. And probably about me and Mike. Maybe I'll tell her about Harold trying to figure out my scent...(so awkward to think about =_=)

Short Bits

So, last night my dreams were all in short bits. I remember a couple of them, but the one I remember the most was like an alternate universe of what happened with Harold last night. I was in his bed and I woke up to him petting my hair. Instead of him backing off, though, he leaned in and kissed me. His kiss was very soft, but very sure. Even in the dream I was flustered. But I definitely enjoyed it.

Why do I always wonder what it would be like to kiss the people around me? That's what leads to dreams like these.

Harorudo

So... I was over at Harold's helping him with the picture of him and Liv for Liv's (belated) birthday. He tried to fix it up himself, but I'd already cleaned up the picture so I could print it and have a copy for myself. In the end he wound up using my version and cropping it a little differently. We printed it out at Kinko's and went back to his apartment so he could write a message on the back and give it to Liv tonight. He was going to write it in English, but since he decided on Japanese, it took him quite a while. I wound up falling asleep in his bed.

I woke up to someone petting my hair. For a moment I was confused and didn't remember where I was. Then I did remember and realized the only other person there was Harold. I should have opened my eyes immediately... but I pretended to remain asleep for just a moment more. It was one of those moments where if you didn't open your eyes, you didn't have to question it. Then I opened my eyes and acted confused and kinda awkward. He denied petting my hair. He said he had just put his hand on my head to wake me up. Liar. So... why did he do that...? Why did I pretend to still be asleep? I probably have a bit of a crush on him: not anything to act on, but still. But what about him? How long was he there, watching me sleep? Petting my hair? Does it mean anything? No... it mustn't. I'm looking too far into it. Yes. Anyway, he crawled in with me because his apartment is so cold (so cold!) and tried to figure out what my scent is. Awkward! Now I smell like Harold.

We were probably starting to fall asleep when Liv called. We left and Harold gave the framed photo to Liv. ^_^ lol She was so curious about what the gift was because she knew Harold and I were plotting. Rather, that's what she thought. I was just keeping him on track. XD Liv is so easily deceived by me. ... That makes me feel horrible...

End

Mom picked me up Thursday night and we drove to Massena Friday for the viewing at 7. We stayed at Aunt Karen and Uncle Glen's house for the night. The funeral was Saturday. Grandma was buried in a lovely purple flower-print dress that made her look beautiful.

RIP, Grandma

Grandma passed away this morning. The stroke she had was a bad one and she had a living will, so they didn't put her on life support. She died peacefully in her sleep.

Drained. Sad.

Drained. Sad. Harold didn't make it into Pitt Med, so he'll be moving in a few months. I'll miss the light. Gave him and Liv a day together yesterday, tried to give them as much alone time as possible. Brought him to Liv's house, hung out, went to see Watchmen with them, Mike, Beth, and Kayla then out to Kings for dinner. Took him home, Liv and Harold made out in the back seat then gave them half an hour alone at his place. Harold kissed me on the cheek in thanks. I was flustered and almost forgot to respond. Liv is falling in love with him but doesn't want to because he has to leave and we don't know what his feelings for her are. Mike complains that I spend too much time with Liv. He doesn't understand. I thought he did. Genevra told me I appeared in her war dream, but didn't tell me my part in it. Also, I wasn't included in it when she wrote it down and posted it in her livejournal. And Grandma had a stoke this morning. Grandpa has been having problems with his memory, and must have been out of it, because he didn't report anything all day. Aunt Debbie went to join them for dinner and found Grandma on the floor. They think she had the stroke somewhere around 2am. That's all we know so far. I am sad.

Beauty

I've been wanting to paint something beautiful lately. I wish I knew what.

A few nights ago, it was gorgeous outside and I couldn't help but enjoy it. I climbed my tree barefoot and sat there for a while, doing nothing but enjoying the peace and the beauty.

さあああああ。。。

Genevra has amazing dreams; I've been reading them as she posts them. She told me the other night that I appear in them. That simple sentence brought my need back to the surface. Or rather, it brought it to my attention again. I forget if I've written about it in here before or not... I'm so concerned, or rather, I constantly wonder how people see me. In this case, how does Genevra see me? It feels like with one glance she can see everything about me, except maybe for that one thing... So how will I be in her dream? Will I be on the side of good or the side of bad? Maybe a spy? Hopefully a spy for the good... Or a healer...? But she already pointed out Mallory who is a healer in the dream, so probably not. Genevra went back to her camp where all of the people she loved where and I was not there. Yeah...

I have way too much homework to be typing this now...

Stress to Stressless

So these last few days have been absolutely horrible. There are the problems with Liv and Harold, I told Liv, I had a big test last night in Marketing Fundamentals, and Mike and I had a fight on Tuesday.

I kept on getting interrupted while trying to study for the test, so I wound up staying up until 6am the night before just trying to get it done.

The fight with Mike was, of course, about him telling Adam. Mike called himself "terrible" and I playfully agreed. Apparently it didn't sound playful because Mike thought I was serious and asked me why I thought he was terrible. Obviously, I only have the one reason, so that's what I told him. I got upset because I brought it up again, but what am I gonna do? I'm not gonna lie to him, and if I don't say anything, he's just gonna drag it out of me anyway because that's what he does. He doesn't understand that some things are just better left unsaid.

After the test yesterday, things got better. The test was over, so I didn't have to stress about that. I had planned on going to the buy part of Liv's b-day present right after the test because the store stays open until 8 on Wednesdays, and I decided to call Harold to see if he wanted to come. He wasn't up to anything, so I met him at his アパート and we went to get the present. We started talking about relationships and all of my random thought processes. He was very surprised that I'm not physically attracted to anyone and that I've never had a legitimate crush. I thought maybe Min, but I'm not physically attracted to him. I think I think about him so much because he was the friendship that got away. I dont' think I've ever had a situation where I wanted a friendship and the other person didn't. Anyway, we wound up going back to his place and watched a bunch of random YouTube videos and gave each other massages while folding his laundry and putting it away. XD We talked about the problems and the stress I've been having and I feel a lot better now. He's super curious about my secret, though. He can't figure out what would be so bad that Liv's reaction was what it was. I want to tell him, but he hasn't earned his place and I don't think he knows me well enough to understand the impact that it's had on everyone else. But I feel like I can tell him. I want to tell him, but I won't.

On a happier note, today is Mike's birthday and I'm going home tomorrow! Mike got an HD TV from his parents for his birthday and I'm giving him a nice fountain pen and, if I can find one tomorrow, a new watch. I ordered a magnetic pendullum thingy for him because I wasn't sure if I'd be able to find a watch. Having his birthday and Valentine's Day right by each other is really annoying. I have to come up with more presents than normal. ><

I kinda want to start back up with martial arts again. Thanks Harold. ^_^; He was doing a couple of moves and it got me wanting to do it again. Maybe I'll ask him if he'll be my sensei for a while. XD

Finished

I told Liv. She knows. I should have waited. She has too much on her mind right now as it is. Maybe I should have waited it see if she and Harold worked out. If it didn't, I could have used this to distract her... but what emotion is she feeling right now? I didn't want to make her sad. I think I did. She only looked me in the eye twice after I told her. But that was twice more than I expected. She hugged me and told me it shouldn't have happened to me. Not me. I love you, Liv, but I am strong. I've been handling this my entire life. It is no longer a burden to me. I don't want it to be a burden for you. It's not something you should have to carry.

I'm sorry. Forgive me.

*faints in happiness*

OMG OMG OMG!!!! It's been so long since I've been this happy! Liv and Harold made out!! For two hours!!!!!! With breaks, of course, BUT STILL!! XDDDDDDDD At one point he had his hand on the clasp of her bra and he asked "Ii desu ka?" She wound up saying "Dame," but OMG WOW! And she danced for him! And with him! And they grinded! My heart is beating so fast! And she told me more than an hour ago! Just the thought of it...! I want to break Harold's hand. Liv has finally had a good experience with a guy. And he's ASIAN, which doesn't really matter, but it's still a plus! AOIUHWENVOWEHGSKJ023RHASDVLP0W34'SALGJ0Q4HKJSANDV8Q39GNS!!!11!!!!1!!! I don't know what else to say... I'm speachless! It's all just happy feelings!

My heart is overflowing. ^_^ <3

More On That

-_- But more on that later.

I'm back at Pitt. With Liv! This semester is already much better than the previous ones, and I've only gone through the first day. I still need to drop Magic, Medicine, and Science so I can add Special Topics in Mass Comm. So far things are going pretty well. We'll see if that lasts.

Back to -_- though. I was talking with Liv about Min again. It's definitely a problem that I think about him so much. I wish I could figure out what these feelings were. *sigh* But I'm sure I've talked about that enough on here. Bleh. We were talking about what could have happened if I didn't have Mike when we met. There were a bunch of possibilities... I don't know what would have happened. What was Min looking for when he asked me to hang out after the rave that night? Saa... wakarimasen!!

I miss Robert. *pout*
_{And Min...}