So this year I am commuting to Pitt three days a week. I didn't think it would be that bad, and really it isn't, but it does cut down on your down time. That hour that you would normally allot yourself for relaxation is taken up by the time it takes you to walk back to your car and drive home. By the time you get home, you have to remove time for dinner, and when you've finally completed everything you need to for the night, you've either fallen asleep doing it, or it's well past midnight and you're exhausted for the next day. This makes me wish a bus came all of the way out here. It would cost about the same, and while I was riding, I could study. No such luck for me.
In other news, I go the WQED FM internship and start on the 20th. This means I'm either going to be working at Walmart 16 hours (read 18 hrs.) a weekend or I'm going to have to take an educational leave of absence. While I hate the thought of not pulling in more money, I kinda need those weekends for all of the work I'm getting piled on top of me from my classes. Truthfully, it's mostly just reading, but it's a lot and from every class.
Perhaps I am just complaining too much. Someone get me a straw.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
The End is Nigh... of Summer, that is.
I like playing my cello. I really do. But sometimes I just don't want to play it for a looong while. Like now.
I don't remember if I posted in here about the wedding I will be playing for Nathan's friend Holly, but it's in a week and the rehearsal is on Saturday. I was supposed to be playing with Nathan, but seeing as he hasn't practiced at all and the only time we got together was when I gave him the music, I'd say I'll be playing by myself. This won't be an entirely bad thing. It will be my first solo wedding and it will be acoustic, so few worries there. It's not even for a big crowd, just 100 or so. But I am sooo tired of practicing this music. I'm not perfect at any of it, but it is more than passable for the wedding. I just want to get this done and over with! I don't know how Alex can play for hours every day. I'm just so bored! I suppose since he doesn't read music, he just improvises everything which keeps it interesting, but still! I'm ready to throw this music in a drawer somewhere and forget about it for a season or two.
I'm not like this when it comes to piano... maybe because I'm so limited on the time I can play without getting yelled at or having to play over the tv. But when I learned Requiem for the Living, I just kept at it until I could play it through perfectly. Why can't I apply that to this wedding music? It really is frustrating.
I just need to last one more week.
In other news, I am finally going on a picnic with Alex tomorrow. Duquesne's classes have already started, so I kinda feel like we didn't get it in this summer, even though it is still technically summer. We haven't gone to Kennywood yet either, but I'm sure we'll get there.
I am more excited for Labor Day, though. The day I get to clean Alex's room. >:D He is dreading it, I'm sure, but hopefully the clean room with help prevent him getting sick all of the time. He burns incense, which isn't a bad thing, but all of that smoke and ash builds up, not to mention everywhere he hasn't vacuumed in years. I want to buy him some sheets that actually fit his bed, but I feel like that would be intruding upon his mother's territory and disrespectful (although he really needs sheets that fit...). I just have to look forward to the day when we live together and I can take care of all of that stuff without having to go through this though process. That will probably still be a while from now, though. *sigh* One day.
I don't remember if I posted in here about the wedding I will be playing for Nathan's friend Holly, but it's in a week and the rehearsal is on Saturday. I was supposed to be playing with Nathan, but seeing as he hasn't practiced at all and the only time we got together was when I gave him the music, I'd say I'll be playing by myself. This won't be an entirely bad thing. It will be my first solo wedding and it will be acoustic, so few worries there. It's not even for a big crowd, just 100 or so. But I am sooo tired of practicing this music. I'm not perfect at any of it, but it is more than passable for the wedding. I just want to get this done and over with! I don't know how Alex can play for hours every day. I'm just so bored! I suppose since he doesn't read music, he just improvises everything which keeps it interesting, but still! I'm ready to throw this music in a drawer somewhere and forget about it for a season or two.
I'm not like this when it comes to piano... maybe because I'm so limited on the time I can play without getting yelled at or having to play over the tv. But when I learned Requiem for the Living, I just kept at it until I could play it through perfectly. Why can't I apply that to this wedding music? It really is frustrating.
I just need to last one more week.
In other news, I am finally going on a picnic with Alex tomorrow. Duquesne's classes have already started, so I kinda feel like we didn't get it in this summer, even though it is still technically summer. We haven't gone to Kennywood yet either, but I'm sure we'll get there.
I am more excited for Labor Day, though. The day I get to clean Alex's room. >:D He is dreading it, I'm sure, but hopefully the clean room with help prevent him getting sick all of the time. He burns incense, which isn't a bad thing, but all of that smoke and ash builds up, not to mention everywhere he hasn't vacuumed in years. I want to buy him some sheets that actually fit his bed, but I feel like that would be intruding upon his mother's territory and disrespectful (although he really needs sheets that fit...). I just have to look forward to the day when we live together and I can take care of all of that stuff without having to go through this though process. That will probably still be a while from now, though. *sigh* One day.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Pursuing what is expected
My professors have started posting the books we will need for the new semester, and it just doesn't seem... correct, somehow. I have one more year of university life left for me, but I feel like I've already dropped into finding a real job and wanting to think about my first apartment even though I can't because of not having that real job yet. O_O Going back to Pitt for classes now just seems surreal.
Harold is in Japan now, and Liv will be there in less than two months. It feels like they are pursuing their dreams while I am pursuing what is expected of me. In these moments I really loathe the chance I was denied of going to Japan for a semester. One could argue that I still have that chance. I could go in the spring. But not only would that cause complications with my graduation, I would be getting out into the job market a semester later than the rest of my graduating class, which is quite the disadvantage it seems. One could also argue that it doesn't matter when precisely I enter the job market because jobs are opening and closing at their own leisure. While this is true, more jobs are made available in that spring/summer time frame because employers know there will be new graduates looking for a job. Besides, getting out there beyond on time just doesn't sit well with me.
All of this adds up to a rather annoying feeling which I cannot even begin to name. Like being smart enough and competent enough to move on to the next grade but being held back for a year. Like when you are trying to run in your dreams, but your legs will only move in slow motion.
It could be that thing feeling is spurring on by getting a job at Walmart. This is a menial job, but I get paid and I get taxed like a real job. Up until now, I've been working for private owners and getting paid under the table. The new arrangements conjure different thought processes and emotions.
At the same time I don't feel like I am doing this because it is what is expected, but because it is what needs to be done. To support my creative boyfriend I will need to provide extra income and save for hard times. Besides, what would I do with all of that free time? So there is a bit of plain desire to have a steady job. I just hope I can find one where I will actually be happy going to work.
Harold is in Japan now, and Liv will be there in less than two months. It feels like they are pursuing their dreams while I am pursuing what is expected of me. In these moments I really loathe the chance I was denied of going to Japan for a semester. One could argue that I still have that chance. I could go in the spring. But not only would that cause complications with my graduation, I would be getting out into the job market a semester later than the rest of my graduating class, which is quite the disadvantage it seems. One could also argue that it doesn't matter when precisely I enter the job market because jobs are opening and closing at their own leisure. While this is true, more jobs are made available in that spring/summer time frame because employers know there will be new graduates looking for a job. Besides, getting out there beyond on time just doesn't sit well with me.
All of this adds up to a rather annoying feeling which I cannot even begin to name. Like being smart enough and competent enough to move on to the next grade but being held back for a year. Like when you are trying to run in your dreams, but your legs will only move in slow motion.
It could be that thing feeling is spurring on by getting a job at Walmart. This is a menial job, but I get paid and I get taxed like a real job. Up until now, I've been working for private owners and getting paid under the table. The new arrangements conjure different thought processes and emotions.
At the same time I don't feel like I am doing this because it is what is expected, but because it is what needs to be done. To support my creative boyfriend I will need to provide extra income and save for hard times. Besides, what would I do with all of that free time? So there is a bit of plain desire to have a steady job. I just hope I can find one where I will actually be happy going to work.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Early Risin'
It's 2:25 in the morning and I'm pretty much ready to go. The case is this: we are headed to the beach and I get to drive first, which means I get to start driving at 3am. I've only had less than four hours of sleep, but I feel pretty good. Everyone else is still asleep, although I suspect Mom will be getting up shortly. Because now is during that precarious time of night when the water softener is running, I can't do more than quickly wash my face for fear of staining the toilets just in time for us to leave. I'm sure this will happen anyway when everyone else wakes up.
I hope this trip will be a good one. It is Isaac and Nobu's first trip to Ocean Lakes with us and also the first time we've gotten our own place instead of sharing with Matthew and Stephanie. Hopefully this will minimize Dad's moodiness, or at least minimize our contact with it. Overall I am hopeful.
I will miss my Alex, as I always will, but I'll call him at least every day. I miss our long phone conversations, but I don't think we'll get to have any this week. But we'll see.
It is now time for me to get dressed and make some breakfast for the journey!
I hope this trip will be a good one. It is Isaac and Nobu's first trip to Ocean Lakes with us and also the first time we've gotten our own place instead of sharing with Matthew and Stephanie. Hopefully this will minimize Dad's moodiness, or at least minimize our contact with it. Overall I am hopeful.
I will miss my Alex, as I always will, but I'll call him at least every day. I miss our long phone conversations, but I don't think we'll get to have any this week. But we'll see.
It is now time for me to get dressed and make some breakfast for the journey!
Monday, July 5, 2010
4th
Today, well, technically yesterday now, is Independence day. I had a very American lunch with Mom and then went to work from 3-11:30. It isn't until you're kept from doing something you do every year but never really cared about that you realize how much you need that thing. Today, for example, we would usually have the American style lunch and dinner and set off a few small fireworks in the backyard. I was stuck in Walmart this year for all of that. We could hear the fireworks going off while we were working inside and it was depressing. It felt like the year Mike went to a friend's New Year's party instead of giving me my first New Year's kiss. I know that it is silly to be down about missing fireworks with my family one year, but I can't help the feeling. Hopefully next year I'll get to be here for that.
On the subject of work, damn was it slow today! So slow, in fact, that I spent almost the entire second half of my shift learning self check out and in soft lines fixing clothes. 11:30 could not come soon enough.
On the subject of work, damn was it slow today! So slow, in fact, that I spent almost the entire second half of my shift learning self check out and in soft lines fixing clothes. 11:30 could not come soon enough.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Twix
It's an interesting feeling of loss, discovering that you truly desire something and then find out it will never happen for you. It's the feeling I have now about marriage and having children. None for me. I've decided to put it out of my mind as much as possible, considering hope is evil and I should never allow the feeling to occur. Alex will just have to put up with my crying spurts about it over the coming years.
In other news. Lies fall from your lips like sand through an hourglass. That doesn't pertain to anyone. I just thought of the line a little bit ago and wanted to write it down.
I feel like work has really restricted the activities. I'm sure it hasn't as much as it feels like it has, but there isn't much I can do about that feeling. I'll just have to deal with it.
I can't wait for the day Alex and I live together.
In other news. Lies fall from your lips like sand through an hourglass. That doesn't pertain to anyone. I just thought of the line a little bit ago and wanted to write it down.
I feel like work has really restricted the activities. I'm sure it hasn't as much as it feels like it has, but there isn't much I can do about that feeling. I'll just have to deal with it.
I can't wait for the day Alex and I live together.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Battered
I hate when simple things turn out to be difficult, time consuming, and very frustrating. You go in with an attitude of "Oh, this should only take 10min, max," and then nearly an hour later you're trying not to cry from frustration and texting your ex boyfriend because he is the only person you know who would know what the hell you're doing wrong. And then remembering how much you hate texting with him because he drags on forever. *sigh*
Work is going well. They've been giving me plenty of hours, so my paycheck should be nice when I get it on Thursday. I'm not really fond of standing for so long and my left elbow kinda hurts every now and then, but oh well. Money is money, and it's nice to see my account being replenished after draining what I did when I was at school.
Work is going well. They've been giving me plenty of hours, so my paycheck should be nice when I get it on Thursday. I'm not really fond of standing for so long and my left elbow kinda hurts every now and then, but oh well. Money is money, and it's nice to see my account being replenished after draining what I did when I was at school.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Loathsome
There are few things I hate with the fiery passion of a thousand burning suns. One of them is pretend ass cello music. This is music that is written or transcribed by violin players. You can tell because you never use the entire bottom half of the cello. 7/8 of the music is played on the A string in ridiculous positions while that 1/8 is just touching the D sting. What about the G and C strings? They apparently don't exist to many players, which is very unfortunate for me and the cello because those are my favorite stings and THE CELLO WAS MADE TO PLAY LOWER NOTES. It is there to add a rich bottom to music which is almost never utilized in solo cello music. Instead, people are determined to show off how close cellos are to their violin counterparts by playing the highest notes possible. When music is transcribed for cello, the transcribers seem to forget the cello has a range below the cello's middle D. ARGH! The bottom two strings are what sets the cello apart and they are so rarely used! They have the richest, most beautiful tone and yet they are ignored for pinched, violin-like wannabes.
Despicable. Detestable. Disgusting.
This rant occurs now because I have begun practicing for Holly's wedding, and picking out the music has been difficult because of my lower skill level and the atrocities of the solo music as written above. Hopefully I have found a sufficient amount of music that I will be able to play well enough for the wedding. *sigh* We'll see.
Despicable. Detestable. Disgusting.
This rant occurs now because I have begun practicing for Holly's wedding, and picking out the music has been difficult because of my lower skill level and the atrocities of the solo music as written above. Hopefully I have found a sufficient amount of music that I will be able to play well enough for the wedding. *sigh* We'll see.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Jobtastic
I suppose I am officially hired at Wal-Mart now. I went in for the interview on Wednesday, went back on Thursday to sign paperwork and do the drug screening, and I go in for orientation on Tuesday. They are gonna start me off at $8.90, which is pretty cool considering minimum wage is $7.25. They must have liked me. I wasn't expect three people to interview me at once on Wednesday, but oh well. I got the job, so what does it matter? Now Dad can stop bitching at me. Although, I just know he's gonna start it up again next summer to find a real job. I wish someone would come up to me at my graduation and hire me on the spot.
Brittany is off to Ireland next week, so we're gonna hang out on Sunday after church. Even though she's going there to take a class, I'm still kinda jealous. I've always been on the fence about wanting to travel, but I think if I had the chance and the resources, I'd do it. Maybe when Alex's books sell, we can visit some fun places.
It seems like I've been out of school for a while now, but I know it hasn't been that long. Next semester is still a long way off. I have to keep reminding myself that summer has only just begun.
Brittany is off to Ireland next week, so we're gonna hang out on Sunday after church. Even though she's going there to take a class, I'm still kinda jealous. I've always been on the fence about wanting to travel, but I think if I had the chance and the resources, I'd do it. Maybe when Alex's books sell, we can visit some fun places.
It seems like I've been out of school for a while now, but I know it hasn't been that long. Next semester is still a long way off. I have to keep reminding myself that summer has only just begun.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Books and Jobs
This will be a summer of reading and working. At least, that's what I hope. I already have lots of stuff to read: Alex's stories, Dresden Files, Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell, etc.
The job part is the problem, though. I have the babysitting gig again, at least, but that won't start until mid-June. I'd like to be making money now, please and thank you. Elissa got me to apply to Wal-Mart even though she hates her job and will probably quit soon. That one looks the most promising considering I got to talk to one of the managers and she seemed to like Elissa and Ray enough when I mentioned them. Because Elissa was talking about quiting the electronics department, that's what I said I was looking for, but I'm open to anything. They're apparently looking for cashiers, and I would much rather cashier than work in electronics. So there's that. I just hope they call me... I've applied to some other places too, the flower/produce place by Hammer's, Fashion Bug, Subway down my Mom, and the snack bar at Ice Connection. I really hope I have better luck this time around.
Alex told me about his friend Andrea and the job she has at a company that he does not remember the name of. She got it through an internship and it sounds like a completely awesome job. Once Alex finds out the name of it, I'm gonna look it up. They work with kids and Andrea works with commercials and advertising on a station that sounds similar to PBSkids. Doing what she is doing would be so cool and so perfect. And since it's in Robinson, it wouldn't be too horribly far away. Here's to hoping... ugh. There I go again.
The job part is the problem, though. I have the babysitting gig again, at least, but that won't start until mid-June. I'd like to be making money now, please and thank you. Elissa got me to apply to Wal-Mart even though she hates her job and will probably quit soon. That one looks the most promising considering I got to talk to one of the managers and she seemed to like Elissa and Ray enough when I mentioned them. Because Elissa was talking about quiting the electronics department, that's what I said I was looking for, but I'm open to anything. They're apparently looking for cashiers, and I would much rather cashier than work in electronics. So there's that. I just hope they call me... I've applied to some other places too, the flower/produce place by Hammer's, Fashion Bug, Subway down my Mom, and the snack bar at Ice Connection. I really hope I have better luck this time around.
Alex told me about his friend Andrea and the job she has at a company that he does not remember the name of. She got it through an internship and it sounds like a completely awesome job. Once Alex finds out the name of it, I'm gonna look it up. They work with kids and Andrea works with commercials and advertising on a station that sounds similar to PBSkids. Doing what she is doing would be so cool and so perfect. And since it's in Robinson, it wouldn't be too horribly far away. Here's to hoping... ugh. There I go again.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Summer, Begin.
My junior year of college is over already. It feels like that year flew by faster than the others, but maybe that's just because I had Alex this time around. He makes everything easier and happier.
I'm half looking forward to this summer and half not. This is my first summer with Alex, and we intend to make it a good one. While I'm excited for that, I really need to make money. I'm going to call Eric today about working at the horse barn this summer and Kim Anna already asked me about chauffeuring again this summer. I'd like to get a part-time job on top of that, but no one ever wants to hire me, so I don't have much hope for that. I'll still apply to some places anyway. What I'd really like is an internship, but I've already tried for those for this summer and I got nothing back. So I'm gonna look at BC3's list of summer classes to see if there are any good skill classes I can take.
In league with that, I'll be finished up with all of the requirements for my Comm major and Jap minor at the end of next semester, but not enough credit hours to graduate. So I'll be taking bunches of skill classes that last semester. Maybe then people will like me for jobs... Here's to hoping. Damn. There I go hoping again.
Matthew and Eve are coming up on Thursday for Mother's Day. I'm excited to see them again. Eve is gonna be such a little girl now. Alex and I are going to the Murder By Death concert on Friday, so I'm gonna bring him home to meet them before the concert.
The weather has already started being nice. I've been opening the windows in my room nearly every day since I returned home. This bodes well.
I'm half looking forward to this summer and half not. This is my first summer with Alex, and we intend to make it a good one. While I'm excited for that, I really need to make money. I'm going to call Eric today about working at the horse barn this summer and Kim Anna already asked me about chauffeuring again this summer. I'd like to get a part-time job on top of that, but no one ever wants to hire me, so I don't have much hope for that. I'll still apply to some places anyway. What I'd really like is an internship, but I've already tried for those for this summer and I got nothing back. So I'm gonna look at BC3's list of summer classes to see if there are any good skill classes I can take.
In league with that, I'll be finished up with all of the requirements for my Comm major and Jap minor at the end of next semester, but not enough credit hours to graduate. So I'll be taking bunches of skill classes that last semester. Maybe then people will like me for jobs... Here's to hoping. Damn. There I go hoping again.
Matthew and Eve are coming up on Thursday for Mother's Day. I'm excited to see them again. Eve is gonna be such a little girl now. Alex and I are going to the Murder By Death concert on Friday, so I'm gonna bring him home to meet them before the concert.
The weather has already started being nice. I've been opening the windows in my room nearly every day since I returned home. This bodes well.
Monday, March 1, 2010
"She will not like it because they are not pants."
Friday was Alex's birthday, so I decided to throw him a surprise party. Now, with his awesome perception, I didn't think it'd be much of a surprise, but he claims to have been very surprised when I ushered in a bunch of his friends. The party went well, overall. We sat around and talked; ate ice cream, Oreos, and pretzels; Deet and Alex tried to jam; and we watched Big Fish, which is a very appropriate movie for Alex's birthday. For presents, I gave him "Guess How Much I Love You," a book of Sherlock Holmes stories, a Tom Waits shirt, a Levenger fountain pen, and some ink to go with it. He liked all of the presents... especially the Catholic school girl outfit I wore that night after everyone left... *shifty eyes*
Saturday we traveled to Alex's home where we had Alex's birthday dinner party with his family. He got a 160G iPod, so now he can carry ALL of his music around with him. Sunday he had to work the afternoon shift, so his mom and I went to church and went out to eat. I got to do homework and play with the kitties when we got back. I really wanted to clean the pile next to his bed, but he said I'm not allowed because one of my birthday presents is somewhere in there. I made his bed instead. I had dinner with his parents before he got home from work and we watched Sin City before going to bed.
This morning was fun fun. Not. I got a ride with Mr. Moore and Zachary to CCAC, but we didn't get there in time for me to catch the 67A to Oakland. I wound up taking the 77B with Nik (we met at the bus stop and he got off the bus before me) to the top of Craig and walked as quickly as possible to my art class. I made it just in time with all of my stuff. We have a test in that class on Wednesday, so she let us out a bit early and I was able to get to Japanese in time for once. I actually think I did well in Japanese today. I got a B on my oral midterm, though. :(
This week is Alex's Spring Break, and mine is next week, which is pretty lame, but I'm sure I'll get to see Alex a few times this week at least. I need to get the recommendation letters back from Dr. Gareis and I need to finish my essay so I can turn in my Ritsumeikan application. At least I have everything else.
To explain the journal title: Alex said this to me when he was half asleep. He was talking about the present hidden in the pile. So cute. <3
Saturday we traveled to Alex's home where we had Alex's birthday dinner party with his family. He got a 160G iPod, so now he can carry ALL of his music around with him. Sunday he had to work the afternoon shift, so his mom and I went to church and went out to eat. I got to do homework and play with the kitties when we got back. I really wanted to clean the pile next to his bed, but he said I'm not allowed because one of my birthday presents is somewhere in there. I made his bed instead. I had dinner with his parents before he got home from work and we watched Sin City before going to bed.
This morning was fun fun. Not. I got a ride with Mr. Moore and Zachary to CCAC, but we didn't get there in time for me to catch the 67A to Oakland. I wound up taking the 77B with Nik (we met at the bus stop and he got off the bus before me) to the top of Craig and walked as quickly as possible to my art class. I made it just in time with all of my stuff. We have a test in that class on Wednesday, so she let us out a bit early and I was able to get to Japanese in time for once. I actually think I did well in Japanese today. I got a B on my oral midterm, though. :(
This week is Alex's Spring Break, and mine is next week, which is pretty lame, but I'm sure I'll get to see Alex a few times this week at least. I need to get the recommendation letters back from Dr. Gareis and I need to finish my essay so I can turn in my Ritsumeikan application. At least I have everything else.
To explain the journal title: Alex said this to me when he was half asleep. He was talking about the present hidden in the pile. So cute. <3
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Alias
I have a new phone! Yay! It's certainly a good thing because my other one was starting to break... I now have the Alias 2 phone by Samsung and it's pretty snazzy. I've been making all sorts of ringtones and background pictures for it since I got it, and now I've lost track of time. This is the same phone that Liv got a few months ago, and she hasn't had any problems with it, so hopefully mine will be just as obedient. The only thing I'm kinda eh about is because it has a full keyboard, I don't have the automatic spell check anymore. I hate looking at words I've written and going "...Is that right?" I am not very good at spelling... :(
But Polar Bear still loves me! <3
But Polar Bear still loves me! <3
Sunday, February 14, 2010
がっかりした
Last week was the Blizzard of 2010. I was supposed to go the Zachary's birthday dinner party on Sunday, see a free viewing of Wolfman on Tuesday, take Alex to Video Games Live at Heinz Hall on Thursday, see The Machine with Alex and friends on Friday, and go either to the Black & White Ball on campus or to a Japanese Rave on Saturday, but none of it happened. Everything was either canceled, rescheduled, or Alex couldn't do it. *sigh* Last week was supposed to be an exciting and fun week. It turned out to be very boring and very lonely. The buses weren't running or weren't running down by Alex's house, and none of his friends wanted to drive out on the horrible roads, so there was no way for us to see each other. Meanwhile, Liv and Harold saw each other every day. Eeennnvyyyy.
If Mr. Pekor decides he wants to, we'll be going to see Wolfman tonight, but it's getting late, so that probably won't happen. Also, Alex has asked me out on a fancy date for tomorrow night. This will be an excuse to finally wear my prom dress again.
To make up for the three days of canceled classes, Pitt is making us have classes on two Saturdays, one being my birthday. Really, it's up to the professors whether or not we actually have class on those Saturdays, so I think most will try to work around that.
Lent in coming up quickly. Ash Wednesday is this Wednesday, so I really need to remember to eat on Tuesday. I always tend to forget about that...
Oh! I got my hair cut on Monday, so now it's about as short as Liv's. I like it.
I spent Friday night at Alex's house. It's getting less awkward for me to just talk to his parents or his brother, which is a very good thing. Hopefully I won't feel awkward at all about staying at their house for 8 hours while Alex works. But then, I don't want to be that much of a bother, so I probably won't do that anyway.
The deadlines for Japan applications are coming up quickly. I must get moving.
If Mr. Pekor decides he wants to, we'll be going to see Wolfman tonight, but it's getting late, so that probably won't happen. Also, Alex has asked me out on a fancy date for tomorrow night. This will be an excuse to finally wear my prom dress again.
To make up for the three days of canceled classes, Pitt is making us have classes on two Saturdays, one being my birthday. Really, it's up to the professors whether or not we actually have class on those Saturdays, so I think most will try to work around that.
Lent in coming up quickly. Ash Wednesday is this Wednesday, so I really need to remember to eat on Tuesday. I always tend to forget about that...
Oh! I got my hair cut on Monday, so now it's about as short as Liv's. I like it.
I spent Friday night at Alex's house. It's getting less awkward for me to just talk to his parents or his brother, which is a very good thing. Hopefully I won't feel awkward at all about staying at their house for 8 hours while Alex works. But then, I don't want to be that much of a bother, so I probably won't do that anyway.
The deadlines for Japan applications are coming up quickly. I must get moving.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Black Lotus
It seems like time just isn't right recently. I've been with Alex for a little over two months now, but it feels like we've been together for so much longer than that. Almost four months ago, Alex and I went to Lu Lu's Noodles and walked to Schenley Park. That night Alex would almost die while fighting the troll (that damn troll). I feel like we've been through so much already that it couldn't have possibly been just two months, or four depending on which way you are counting.
Last night Alex and I retraced our footsteps that night in Schenley Park. I think we'll do it every season until we can do it only once a year, remembering the night that really set our relationship into motion.
Yesterday Alex brought me my first bouquet of flowers:
He said he got them for me simply because he loves me. Each of the eleven roses he picked out by hand and arranged around the lily that he had to send an employee to the back to retrieve. This, of course, makes me feel girly and swept off my feet. I don't particularly mind the feeling. ^_^
Last night Alex and I retraced our footsteps that night in Schenley Park. I think we'll do it every season until we can do it only once a year, remembering the night that really set our relationship into motion.
Yesterday Alex brought me my first bouquet of flowers:
He said he got them for me simply because he loves me. Each of the eleven roses he picked out by hand and arranged around the lily that he had to send an employee to the back to retrieve. This, of course, makes me feel girly and swept off my feet. I don't particularly mind the feeling. ^_^
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Cantabile
I've been watching Nodame Cantabile recently and on some points I really feel like I identify with Nodame. She attends a music school for piano but she wants to be a kindergarten teacher. Everyone keeps telling her that she has so much talent and that she should strive to be a professional piano player, but if her dream is to be a teacher, why must she? The boy she likes, Chiaki, wants to be a conductor and is constantly berating her for wasting her talent. Every time Alex says I should do something and I tell him I'm not good enough his response is "because you don't practice." Every time he says that it kinda hurts. Like he is berating me for wasting my life. I know if I wanted to be a professional cello player, for example, I could become good enough to at least be part of a good orchestra, but I don't have any desire for that. I love music and art, but they are only hobbies to me. They are just things I enjoy doing in my spare time. I don't think I should be yelled at because it is not something I want to do with my life. But then I think about all of the people who wish they had my talent but don't, and I feel horrible. I feel that stab that makes me want to cry. And I just want to forget about it.
And, of course, that leads me to thinking about my future and lack of initiative. Do I even want to go to Japan? I've never been one who was really into traveling... Am I secretly hoping Mom tells me not to go even if I get in? If I didn't have Liv and her ambitions, would I have any of my own? I'm sure I would, but picturing life without her, I feel like I wouldn't have any at all. I suppose my ideal future has always been to just be happy. I never cared what it was I would be doing with my life or what hobbies I would have. The only picture I ever had of my future was of a small garden full of flowers surrounded by green grass. Nothing else. No thought of a job, no thought of a family or friends, nothing besides that garden. It isn't even a full image. I can't see beyond the tops of the flowers. Is the sky blue? Are there any clouds? I think so because of the vibrant colors of the petals that only appear in the sunlight.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be here... like this isn't the right place or the right time. But I don't feel like I should be somewhere else either. There isn't a place for me. I'm not right. I wonder if some of the people who commit suicide have thoughts like these. Probably, right?
And, of course, that leads me to thinking about my future and lack of initiative. Do I even want to go to Japan? I've never been one who was really into traveling... Am I secretly hoping Mom tells me not to go even if I get in? If I didn't have Liv and her ambitions, would I have any of my own? I'm sure I would, but picturing life without her, I feel like I wouldn't have any at all. I suppose my ideal future has always been to just be happy. I never cared what it was I would be doing with my life or what hobbies I would have. The only picture I ever had of my future was of a small garden full of flowers surrounded by green grass. Nothing else. No thought of a job, no thought of a family or friends, nothing besides that garden. It isn't even a full image. I can't see beyond the tops of the flowers. Is the sky blue? Are there any clouds? I think so because of the vibrant colors of the petals that only appear in the sunlight.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be here... like this isn't the right place or the right time. But I don't feel like I should be somewhere else either. There isn't a place for me. I'm not right. I wonder if some of the people who commit suicide have thoughts like these. Probably, right?
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Fringe
For all of my practice and desire to be good with words, I know that I am not. To be able to properly express myself... to finally be able to portray my emotions to others and have them understand... I know this will never happen. I wish I could just stamp my emotions on a page and give them to the people I try to communicate with. "This!" I would shove it in their faces in frustration. "This is what I am experiencing!" Oh how simple that would make everything. They would touch the paper and know, and everything could finally carry on.
My self esteem has been pretty low lately. Ever since Alex told me I have ADD. He was joking, but what I was describing described ADD perfectly. I don't know why this has resurfaced the low self esteem, but it has. It makes me want to forget that I have any talent in anything. I don't have talent in anything. I can't play the cello. I don't even know how to hold the bow. The piano? What are these black and white things? Singing? My voice isn't programmed for that. Don't be silly. There isn't a scrap of creativity in my head. Why would anyone want me for anything? I'm not a good friend, a good student, a good girlfriend, a good catholic, a good person, a good human. The only thing that I can do right is give hugs. And really, what kind of skill is that?
Tonight I went to International Guitar Night at Duquesne. This was the opening piece: Fringe Hinge by Brian Gore. There were three other guitar players. Itamar Erez's style combined Arabic sounds with Judaic. He even had to add extra frets to his guitar to get the right notes. Stephen Bennett played slide guitar and harp guitar, although he didn't utilize the harp as much as I thought he should have. The last, Lulo Reinhardt, who plays gypsy jazz and flamenco, added an interesting contrast to the other players. They all played individually at first and then played together in groups for the rest of the show, which lasted a little over 2 1/2 hours. I had hoped to bring Alex with me, but alas, he had to work and couldn't switch shifts. I posted a plea on facebook, but the only person who responded was Scott, but he obviously couldn't come, being in Georgia and all. So I wound up going by myself. I really enjoyed the show, but I really wish someone would have come with me. It was lonely.
Alex was supposed to come over tonight, even if he couldn't come to the show, but he wasn't able to get a ride. There are no classes tomorrow because of MLKJ Day, so he says he'll be able to come. I hope so.
My self esteem has been pretty low lately. Ever since Alex told me I have ADD. He was joking, but what I was describing described ADD perfectly. I don't know why this has resurfaced the low self esteem, but it has. It makes me want to forget that I have any talent in anything. I don't have talent in anything. I can't play the cello. I don't even know how to hold the bow. The piano? What are these black and white things? Singing? My voice isn't programmed for that. Don't be silly. There isn't a scrap of creativity in my head. Why would anyone want me for anything? I'm not a good friend, a good student, a good girlfriend, a good catholic, a good person, a good human. The only thing that I can do right is give hugs. And really, what kind of skill is that?
Tonight I went to International Guitar Night at Duquesne. This was the opening piece: Fringe Hinge by Brian Gore. There were three other guitar players. Itamar Erez's style combined Arabic sounds with Judaic. He even had to add extra frets to his guitar to get the right notes. Stephen Bennett played slide guitar and harp guitar, although he didn't utilize the harp as much as I thought he should have. The last, Lulo Reinhardt, who plays gypsy jazz and flamenco, added an interesting contrast to the other players. They all played individually at first and then played together in groups for the rest of the show, which lasted a little over 2 1/2 hours. I had hoped to bring Alex with me, but alas, he had to work and couldn't switch shifts. I posted a plea on facebook, but the only person who responded was Scott, but he obviously couldn't come, being in Georgia and all. So I wound up going by myself. I really enjoyed the show, but I really wish someone would have come with me. It was lonely.
Alex was supposed to come over tonight, even if he couldn't come to the show, but he wasn't able to get a ride. There are no classes tomorrow because of MLKJ Day, so he says he'll be able to come. I hope so.
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